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I'm finding having a newborn hard. Tell me to get over it and that it will pass...

(51 Posts)
KimchiLaLa Wed 18-Oct-17 22:29:18

I didn't want to hijack another poster's thread by posting this on theirs but I guess I just need to do a random brain dump of how I feel having a newborn. It's just the constant eat/sleep cycle. It's so monotonous and given my baby - who I love - was three weeks early, was so small, I am so focused on her feeding I find it hard to do much else - it just occupies me mentally.

I'm also getting anxious because you're desperate for them to sleep more in the night but my baby seems to have reflux so while she's an amazing day napper, she struggles in the night. But I know she is still not that bad - she goes for 2.5 - 3 hour stretches. But when she wakes with reflux and not hunger pain, I just want to stop her crying.

I was going crazy trying to implement a Gina Ford type routine, which I shouldn't have done as I became obsessed with it, so now I'm trying to just broadly stick to an EASY type one, pulling what I want to from it.

I'm trying to get out more but as a first time mum even simple things like using the car seat for the first time are fear inducing! Going to do that tomorrow and hoping that in a few months it's all second nature.

And, the truth is I get a lot of help at home - a lot of family helping in the day, bringing meals etc. So it should be easy for me, but I am finding being relatively housebound very dull. Signed up for a few classes with a friend and hoping that gives our day some structure.

Lumpylumperson Wed 18-Oct-17 22:33:06

Yes. It’s very hard and yes, it’ll pass.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now but it won’t be long and this feeling of everything being exhausting l, unfamiliar and scary will be a dim and distant memory.


AgentCooper Wed 18-Oct-17 22:39:42

Sending you a big hug and lots of sympathy Kimchi flowers

I have a 2 and a bit week old DS. He was 3 weeks early (I was induced due to obstetric cholestasis) and was very jaundiced so feeding has been stressful from the start due to how lethargic he was. I love him to pieces but am finding it all pretty hard, especially when he just won't settle. He is up from 1-4am every night and to be honest I struggle with going to bed and knowing I'll be up again in a short while for three hours and it will take several attempts to settle him at 3am.

God, it's hard!! He is the most wonderful wee guy but I'm knackered, and terrified of DH going back to work on Friday as he's been getting up to give him a bottle of my expressed milk for the first morning feed.

Chocolatecake12 Wed 18-Oct-17 22:40:05

It definitely will pass although it doesn’t feel I like it in the middle of the night!
It’s the little things like getting out that are so important In The early days, just talking to others in the same situation often helps.
I felt this way too and my eldest is now 16!

UpLighter Wed 18-Oct-17 22:44:17

Sounds like you are doing great. Make sure you sleep when dd sleeps so you get some rest too.
How old is your dd? Have you spoke to hv or dr about possible reflux?
We encouraged a basic sleeping pattern with dd but otherwise just went with the flow. All babies are different and no one knows your dd better than yousmile

BowlingShoes Wed 18-Oct-17 22:45:43

I felt exactly the same. Reflux is awful. Is your DC on medication. Mine was a different child on the right dose of Ranitidine.

Looking back, I wish I'd prioritised sleep whenever I could and cuddles. That's what I tried to do by the time I had DC2, but there's less time for it then. Don't stress about routine. I realised after a stressful few weeks that routine comes much more easily after about 4 months.

The newborn phase seems like an eternity when you're in it, but it does pass more quickly than you realise. Just do what you can to get through it.

KimchiLaLa Wed 18-Oct-17 22:47:03

Thank you all, and AgentCooper that does sound really difficult. I know what you mean about DH going back - mine does the weekend feeds and to be honest I dread weeknights and love weekends even more right now as I know the onus isn't on me to get up. He also does the last night feeds but when you know you'll be up at 3am you just hate going to bed.

I keep telling myself people do this 2, 3 and even more times so it can't be that bad...

babypeach Wed 18-Oct-17 22:48:51

I remember feeling knocked sideways by the constant, 24 obsession I had with feeding my 1st who was a slow gainer. I almost cried when my husband would go to bed as I felt like I ws totally separate from the normal night/day cycle, just constant feeding and sleeping lol.

But it totally does pass. Partly you adjust to the new reality and generally it gets easier week by week.

Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes xx

Jayfee Wed 18-Oct-17 22:48:59

For both of mine the first 6 weeks the baby was all consuming but it does get easier. After that I found mother and baby groups helped a lot and joining a babysitting group...when you babysit you get a night of peace, watching telly and when you want to go out you have a reliable group of adults and you can depend on whoever babysits.

LuluJakey1 Wed 18-Oct-17 22:50:50

It does get easier. DS (now nearly 3 ) was a doddle but DD (6m) has been much more fussy and there were times I felt demented by the monotony of the routine. She has not been terrible, now usually wakes once at night but can be awake ages. Have had some nights where she has hardly slept which I find unbearable. I hate not sleeping. She was formula fed and DH takes turns getting up and he is great with both of them. I am SAHM at the minute and I was a Deputy Headteacher so I found that hard as well because a lot of my self-confidence came from work. But she is a little personality now and much easier than she was and I am organised again. With both of them I found getting out for a decent walk every day helped my mental health. There are still times I wonder what I am doing and how I ended up doing it but I wouldn't swap this time with them.

welshweasel Wed 18-Oct-17 22:52:47

I found having a newborn (mine was 5 weeks early) utterly relentless yet mind numbingly tedious and hugely anxiety provoking all at the same time. I got nothing out of it and didn't feel this huge rush of love for my son that I was told I'd get. It passes I promise. Hang in there, everything changes so quickly x

KimchiLaLa Wed 18-Oct-17 22:53:08

She's three weeks.

I am going to my GP about the possible reflux which I am sure she has, in the meantime we are trying to burp her regularly to help whatever it is and we've raised her Moses basket. Also holding her up on us after each feed so it helps the milk settle.

I cooked dinner today which made me feel somewhat normal - I've hated not being able/feeling like I can do "normal" tasks in the house, which I suppose some people enjoy.

I just want to enjoy her more.

FoxyinherRoxy Wed 18-Oct-17 22:55:41

It is hard, so hard. And boring. No one tells you that.

Sit tight. Don’t try to do too much. If the car seat is daunting, use a sling. Be kind to yourself. No one is looking at you expecting you to be super Mum. Clean your teeth and have a shower daily. That will do for now.

I have four. They are teenagers types. I joke that it was easier when they were newborns. Then I read posts like yours and remember it went in a blink of an eye.

Again. Be kind to yourself. It gets better. It changes into something else.

BowlingShoes Wed 18-Oct-17 22:57:01

I used to look at people in bafflement when they asked me if I was enjoying it. Having a newborn is a huge shock to the system. I enjoyed DC2 so much more because I knew what to expect. I still feel a bit guilty that I didn't get much pleasure at all from DD1's first few weeks, bit I know she doesn't remember anything about it.

Ca55andraMortmain Wed 18-Oct-17 22:57:35

It's so so hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. You are doing a much better job than you think you are.
Things that made it easier for me:
Going out every single day
Having a shower every single day
Making dh look after the baby for at least an hour every day (where he was not allowed to come and ask me anything and I didn't have to do any chores, just spend some time on my own)
Day time naps
A sling to keep her upright

It passes but it can feel like it never will. I look back on those days now and realise that in the scheme of things they didn't last long, but at the time it felt like forever. But it will pass. You're doing well.

KatnissMellark Wed 18-Oct-17 23:02:07

Oh my god it is so fucking hard, especially when they're unwell/unhappy. I was there six months ago. But now DS sleeps through, smiles, laughs, plays with his toys, naps regularly, laughs like a drain at the cat, interacts with other babies. AND. IT'S. AWESOME. And so much easier.

KimchiLaLa Wed 18-Oct-17 23:06:53

I think that's it, I'd love for her to smile at me but obviously right now she can't engage and I just read the signs when she's hungry or gassy or overtired. That's not her fault, none of it is, I don't want to wish her first days away, but I think I'll enjoy her more in a few months.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 18-Oct-17 23:09:47

Three weeks is the pits. You won't have recovered physically. You still don't know what you are doing. Baby doesn't even smile just eat, poo, sleep, poo, cry, poo.

It gets better, much better.

I reckon babies start smiling at 6 weeks because if the little fuckers didn't then that's about the point you'd chuck them out the window. When you get that first crooked smile it feels good.

The constant baby giggles at four months are so much fun.

Getting a bit more sleep at 8-12 months is bloody marvellous too.

My eldest made me a lovely omelette the other day and hoovered the floor when we were home alone. We had a chat full of laughter over some stupid YouTubes he showed me. He's a good lad. Cried non-stop for the first 6 weeks of his life though. Nearly broke me.

KenBarlow Wed 18-Oct-17 23:14:08

There have been several times since having DS where I 100% believed that I couldn’t cope with much more of it (whether that be sleepless nights or challenging behaviour) and the bad times have always passed.
It’s so difficult and at times it feels like it will never end, but the hard times do pass I promise you OP smile

Wincher Wed 18-Oct-17 23:15:29

Oh god I hated the newborn weeks. People tell you to enjoy every moment as it goes so quickly but it doesn't bloody feel like it at the time. It was truly hideous. I remember people telling me it gets better at 6 weeks, then at 12 weeks etc, which is all very well but when you have hardly any sleep every day feels like a lifetime, never mind a week or longer. But indeed it DOES pass, and you end up looking back with rose tinted spectacles and cooing at newborns in Sainsbury's. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself and to your partner. You'll get through this xxx

Wincher Wed 18-Oct-17 23:19:33

And yes, classes are great - the baby will get nothing from them but YOU will and that's what matters. At the moment the best thing you can do is find other people who live as close as possible to you and who are going through this too and drink tea together, cry together, then when you can go and drink gin together. My eldest is 7 now and some of my closest friends are the people I met in his first few weeks (whose children are now in the same class at school, even though we live in London - but it's like starting at university, don't panic if you don't hit it off with the first people you meet as you will carry on meeting mums for years).

Boringnamechange1 Wed 18-Oct-17 23:24:24

My baby was also 3 weeks early and small so like you I was constantly feeding her, couldn't let her sleep too long as had to get her weight up (not that she'd sleep long anyway!) I'm a single parent so the first few weeks I really struggled as also have a 5 year old. I posted on here in desperation as she cried constantly and had to be held. All the replies said it would pass. Yeah right I thought, but sure enough by about 6 weeks she was sleeping through the night. Now at 5 months she is sleeping 12+hours through the night. I am so thankful for this as I don't know how I'd have coped on my own any longer it was the toughest few weeks of my life. It really does make a difference when the colic stops and you get a full nights sleep and get into a routine. It definitely does get better as they get older although I miss my tiny newborn

Lostmyemailaddress Wed 18-Oct-17 23:31:59

DS3 was 8 weeks early and had was diagnosed with reflux at 4 weeks after being home from hospital for 8 days. I remember feeling so helpless at the time but it did get better and by 12 weeks old he was a happy smiley baby and didn't need the reflux medicine anymore. Dd3 was full term but was a low birth weight and has reflux and even though she was my second to have it I felt the same helpless feeling with her. She's 3 months now and still has it but is still smiley. I've found feeding her when she wants to even if it's only small amounts helps and after a week or so she was taking small amounts often through the day then having a cluster feed of 2-3 small feeds in a couple of hours before bed then she slept for about 3-4 hours during the night. She follows a similar pattern now and is now on a 5-6 hour stretch at night so we aren't quiet sleeping through but its getting better slowly. She was 6 weeks old before she gave me her first smile after sneezing sick over me and even though she still has reflux she smiles most of the time now.

KimchiLaLa Wed 18-Oct-17 23:36:30

I reckon babies start smiling at 6 weeks because if the little fuckers didn't then that's about the point you'd chuck them out the window. When you get that first crooked smile it feels good.

This made me laugh out loud!

People keep telling me 6 weeks is where it al changes. I try not to count down to it. But I can't wait for it, and to get my hands on that rantidine.

KimchiLaLa Thu 19-Oct-17 00:23:18

Tonight hasn't been the best night so far. DH took her for the last feed of the night and she has taken 2.5 hrs to settle. She doesn't usually take that long. So she's been awake for the whole time we would sleep until her next feed. She always takes ages to settle with him and I find it hard to direct him as to what to do with her but he takes ages to change her nappies, feed her etc. He tries but as he doesn't do it as much it's not as easy for him.

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