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10 year old arguing when parented

(26 Posts)
Nothimnotmenothernotthee Wed 18-Oct-17 21:39:16

This is going to be hard to explain and doubtless I’ll sound really weak and pathetic

DS is 10 and just generally quite difficult. He is stubborn and abrasive and loud and very quick to flare and strop.

He is becoming harder and harder to parent.
Asking him to do tasks like tidy up his mess or telling him it’s bedtime are resulting in continued answering back and low grade refusal.

I feel like he gets angry when we try to enforce what are normal parenting rules.

Me: come on then It’s bedtime (will have had fair warning, wind down, bath, plan re reading etc etc)
Ignores me, wanders around or sits downstairs and plays with the cat
Repeat many times
Goes upstairs
Moans
Complains
Comes back down
Tell him again, firmer
Argues
Repeat and repeat
Eventually goes but now being nasty and saying don’t bother saying night to me etc.
Starts shouting.
We ignore him
Continues
Eventually firmly tell him to stop.
On and on.
Cries. It’s unfair. Why didn’t we just let him Do X. Why are we so horrible.

If we shut the door. Screams.

You get the picture.

It sounds very minor but I am getting fed up with every simple parenting aspect being a drawn out battle.
It’s really wearing especially after a long day

He gets loads of positive attention

He doesn’t have any SEN.

It’s what my mum would say is ‘a lack of respect’ but I know respect has to be earnt and I’m clearly not managing that.

His dad and I parent very similar, we aren’t push overs. No difficulties with the other kids.

Today we have had rudeness and low level tantrums over choosing lunch in a cafe, using scissors safely, being asked to pack a bag for sports camp and then bedtime which is still going on.

Any suggestions.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Wed 18-Oct-17 21:51:59

oh how I could have written your thread not bloody exhaustingband causes sniping between me and DH as well!

What I have done this week is take her back to toddler route and she now has a tick chart with timings on.

We have older DC so I think she is trying to keep up with them in regards to staying up late etc and she is obsessed with the bloody iPad so that's on the list:

No iPad after 7pm
Then she has to bath, sort her uniform, clean her teeth, sort lunch box out etc etc

Everything needs to be done ready to read for 30 minutes at 8.30

I'm marking my place for more ideas she is a lovely girl and we have a wonderful relationship but the chatting back and bedtimes make me want to pack a bag and leave!

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Wed 18-Oct-17 22:44:31

We hace one just like this too. Think there may have been a slight design fault 10 years ago, just waiting for the recall.

One thing that helps up with bedtime is saying that every 5 minutes they stay up after they’ve been asked to go to bed, they go to bed 15 minuted earlier the next night. That’s cut down the pissing about at bedtime for us but still need to work on the other shit.

Nothimnotmenothernotthee Thu 19-Oct-17 07:26:48

Well it’s good to know I’m not alone!
I feel like I’m getting it all wrong and yet the other two are easy as anything and I don’t have different rules for them.

What shall we do?

noblegiraffe Thu 19-Oct-17 07:32:09

Implement sanctions for refusal to follow instructions?

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Thu 19-Oct-17 07:37:51

Exactly the same problem with 10 year old ds. He has HFA so every argument is accompanied by impeccable logic and recall; why are you saying this now when 10 days ago you said that etc. Oh god shut up you little sod (I think but don’t say).
Stay calm is the best plan. And reasonable; I tend to say look, you’ve had a good day at school, really good piano practice, why ruin the day now?

SmileAndNod Thu 19-Oct-17 07:42:16

Having just endured a stroppy 10 yo DS throwing himself on the floor like a toddler because I said he will not be spending the entire half term looking at a screen you have my sympathy.

Is it an age / hormone thing? Tiredness from the first term back at school? I don't know but it's bloody annoying!

Lweji Thu 19-Oct-17 07:42:21

FGS, he's 10, not 10 months.

DS is reminded that by getting to bed too late he'll be too tired in the morning.

That if nobody tidied up we'd live in a big mess.

Involve him, give him responsibilities. Don't just tell him what to do or punish him.

ofudginghell Thu 19-Oct-17 07:42:39

Got a 7 and 12 year old that fanny around at that crucial time of day that things need to be organised and be in bed for hmm
I have a chalk board in kitchen with a few things in for Am routine and pm routine here.
Things like get bags ready,homework done and put away,shower,clean teeth etc etc,tidy up after themselves.
If they don’t follow it and don’t get organised and be ready and in bed by bedtime or they come up and down the stairs they have less tech time the next day. Simple.
I tell them calmly that’s what will happen and then I don’t get into a discussion at all with them about it. I walk away.
They soon get the message. wink

VanGoghsLeftEar Thu 19-Oct-17 07:42:58

Having only the one, I lean heavily on friends for information about development. All of my mates say being 10-13 is crap.

My 11 yo DD is a very strong willed girl who, in the face of a bully who has turned most of her friends against her, simply told them to stop being sheep and be themselves, or she will find other friends. And she did. But for a time she was withdrawn and getting too obsessed by her hobbies, so getting her to do her chores and even out of the house was tough.

We don't tolerate backchat, snidely remarks, or disrespect. She has a list of things to do each day, and on Sundays she has to tidy her room, or, no pocket money. She saves up her pocket money for her hobbies so this is important to her. She was asked to polish her shoes yesterday and she resisted until she was told Comic-Con was coming up in London soon and her ticket could easily be sold to another geek instead of her. She did the polishing.

Just give consequences. If your son is yelling, dont yell back but use your "indoor voice" as my husband terms it. If he is rude, or disrespectful, sanction him. For example, stop him doing something he enjoys, or something you WERE offering as a treat. Offer treats for good behaviour. Follow through everything. Don't carry on the argument. Say, this conversation is over, and make sure it is. If you are having bedtime issues it sounds like he's after attention. When my one wants attention I just give her the look and ignore the bad behaviour. You will find The Look that scares him!

Lweji Thu 19-Oct-17 07:48:45

If you are having bedtime issues it sounds like he's after attention. When my one wants attention I just give her the look and ignore the bad behaviour.

If you understand that your child wants some attention, why not give proper attention before the bad behaviour escalates and instead of threats?

Talk to them. Ask them about themselves and what they're feeling. Listen to them. Consider their point of view. Offer yours.
Don't turn these times into a battle. You are the adults. And they are learning to become one. Teach them what it means to make decisions and be an adult.

megletthesecond Thu 19-Oct-17 07:49:29

I have a 10yr old like this too. He won't even do things for rewards and isn't bothered about sanctions. He's an angel at school apparently confused.

ferriswheel Thu 19-Oct-17 07:51:12

Mine are too young for this but I think I'm planning a rewards system for when the properly cheeky shit hits the fan.

Say each child had £1.00 pocket money a week in a jar in ten pences. Every time there was cheek that child loses 10p. Immediate consequence and reward for those who are compliant.

I was also wondered if, on the weeks no one lost a penny, there was a team pot that got a pound .

Nottalotta Thu 19-Oct-17 09:45:15

Mine are also too young for this but my nephews are about there.

When you say you don't tolerate, what do you mean @VanGoghsLeftEar ? I ask because so eine told me they didn't tolerate the 2 year old pissing about at nappy hange/getting dressed. I'd like to not tolerate it but can't stop the little dear!

corythatwas Fri 20-Oct-17 15:05:40

By age 10 he may well be hitting pre-puberty and be rebelling against the world in general: I know my 10yo did (plus some general shit that had made him feel perhaps his parents weren't all-wise, all-powerful people able to protect him from all harm sad). Puberty is much earlier than it used to be and the world is a big and bewildering place. Many worry about moving up to secondary, or about growing into adults, or about not being able to perform as expected.

If we are talking general Sturm und Drang and "the world is a horrible place", then losing 10p out of a jar may, frankly, not solve that many problems. Riding it out will help, though: calmly insisting on basic behaviour but gradually involving him more and more in the decision-making process. A sense of humour will help, sometimes a bit of kindness, but at the same time letting him know that you won't take any rudeness because everybody deserves being treated like a human being.

ferriswheel Fri 20-Oct-17 19:24:53

Cory

I agree wholeheartedly with your post? As a single mum with three very close in age how do I not accept rudeness? Any tips?

corythatwas Fri 20-Oct-17 23:38:13

Call him on it every single time. Calmly but firmly. Imagine yourself as somebody very experienced and firm- old-fashioned headmistress (twinset, pearls, grey hair, seen generations of little horror). Do what she would do, say what she would say.

Wolfiefan Fri 20-Oct-17 23:42:24

Yep consequences.
Rude. No x box. (Or whatever! I have a teen so that's the threat here!)
Do it now or its two days.
Move away or ignore to allow them to think and make a decision. Don't keep talking or justifying or arguing and inflame the situation.
Every time.
Decide in advance what will get consequences (shouting or non compliance) and what you will ignore (sulking and muttering to himself?)

ferriswheel Sat 21-Oct-17 22:37:08

This is good. Anymore tips?

yummyeclair Sun 22-Oct-17 11:56:14

Ditto could of been my 6 year old D'S who is going on 16! His back chat, rudeness and disrespect all low grade but relentless so I too Don't want to get out of bed sometimes. Lots if good advice been posted so far . He is an angel at school too and I am currently cultivating my sense of humour plus the pocket money and consequences helps . Try not to take it personally and remember they will appreciate the laying down of boundaries when they look back. smile

2014newme Sun 22-Oct-17 12:01:12

If my children are in bed within 10 mins if it being bedtime they can read in bed fir half hour. If not, they can't. Try similar, if he us in bed within 10 mins he can watch tv/have WiFi or whatever the following day. If he's not, he can't. Follow through.
I

2014newme Sun 22-Oct-17 12:02:57

Also gave a fixed bed time. My kids know what the bedtimes are for each day if week urs on the fridge. It varies because Fridays they gave a later activity, Saturday is relaxed etc so Monday 8pm bed time, if in bed by 8.10 can read for half hour
Etc

tigercub50 Sun 22-Oct-17 12:06:17

What is HFA?

tigercub50 Sun 22-Oct-17 12:06:41

Oh sorry just realised High Functioning Autism

DonkeyOil Sun 22-Oct-17 12:13:56

Today we have had rudeness and low level tantrums over choosing lunch in a cafe, using scissors safely, being asked to pack a bag for sports camp and then bedtime which is still going on.

I do sympathise op. I think this must be the age when practicing to be a teenager begins! I'd advocate an approach which I never mastered, which is to pick your battles. Just out of interest, what were the triggers for the situations you mention above (other than the bedtime conflict, which seems to be universal!)?

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