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I've failed misereably

(7 Posts)
Mulberrybaby Sat 14-Oct-17 23:55:19

Our son who is 31 has been living and being supported by us whilst attending university, he only started this September. We don't charge him rent and even lent him £3k to buy a car two month ago to enable him to get to and from uni and his part time job.
He has always been a bit of a problem child always straddling the acceptable line with his behaviours. Our children have been privileged attending public schools (that we're still paying for now as we increased our mortgage to pay the fees) Our other son 2 years younger has been as good as gold and is doing very well in his career, did everything as was expected, going to uni, taking a gap year and then slowly but surely worked his way up the career ladder in his chosen career.
On the other hand DS1 has never ever achieved his true potential, didn't work for his exams, got ok grades but deemed very poor by his teachers as he didn't work hard enough and TBH has never applied himself to anything other than sport.
He has gambling and drinking problems, we have bailed him out paying off credit card debts for him (he has paid us back) etc etc
We supported him this year, whilst he did an access course and didn't work even though he could/should have.
We then agreed to take on a student and have him live with us for six months so that our son, a qualified TEFL teacher could teach him English in our home for six months.Our students father pays two months rent and tuition fees in advance, all was well with the first payment.. then our son told us the father hadn't paid him for the next two months and this has been going on for about six weeks or so, I had my suspicions but husband wouldn't listen to me, which caused so many rows between us. We have now found out that DS1 was paid but he decided to buy himself a new mobile £500 and clothes etc with the money, basically he has lied and stolen from us after everything we have done for him. We are devasted that he had done this and asked him why, he is in total denial that he had stolen the money and worryingly he can't see that whay he's done is wrong. He doesn't see it as stealing as he says he is going to pay us back, just like he is going to pay us back the money for his car.
He has currently moved in with his girlfriend who sadly for her, adores him and never questions or challenges him... she knows that we have not been on speaking terms for a few weeks before he moved in with her but she still doesn't know why and she won't push the isssue so is oblivious to it all. We certainly won't tell her but I can't help but think she would over look it because she loves him so much. She is a very decent, honourable, hardworking lady.
What would you do if you were in our position. I don't want him here anymore but I can't help think he's on a very slippery road to ruin but I have reached the end of my tether and have mentally switched off from it all, I think this is my way of dealing with it all as I have been so low over the past year or so of him moving back in with us. Self preservation.
I know this sound hideous but at this moment in time I don't think I want to see him again! He has kicked us both in the teeth so many times over the years, letting himself and us down and DS2 is livid and can't believe that he's stooped thus low and wants nothing more to do with him.
Please could you give my any suggestions or advice? I know the way I'm feeling is not right, a mother should love and be there for her children no matter what.😭

bastardkitty Sun 15-Oct-17 00:03:39

I wouldn't let him come back. It's time for some tough love. You've been far too lenient with him. He needs to hit the ground with a bump.

Kleptronic Sun 15-Oct-17 00:18:45

No you need to have him stand on his own two feet. You have supported him above and beyond what is usual, and he has stolen from you and lied to you.

Have done now. He is an adult, let him provide for himself.

IsThisTheRealYou Sun 15-Oct-17 00:57:57

What a horrible situation. Is he speaking to your husband or to his brother at all?

How do you normally contact him? Do you just send texts or emails? If so then I guess should could send a message to him. I would keep it very short. Tell him that you don't want to lose touch but that you are understandable very disappointed that he took the money and lied about doing so. I'd tell him that you would like to put it all behind you but want him to pay the money back within whatever framework works for you. I think it might help if you give him a way out of the conflict if you see what I mean. I'd ask him for his opinion and then see what happens. I'd try to avoid anything too emotive and anything that could be seen as too big an ultimatum otherwise I suspect you might not hear from him again. I'd also be careful not to make any threats even if they are subtle.

My guess is that he will ignore it.

If he does get in touch then you can see how it goes. I wouldn't want him to live at home again.

Maybe if he contacts you again then you can slowly build up some sort of new relationship. The new relationship shouldn't include you bailing him out ever again.

Mulberrybaby Sun 15-Oct-17 01:19:37

Thank you so much for your replies, ITTRY it's not so much about paying us back the money it's the deceipt and lies that really hurt.
There's no communication at all he's been gone just over a week now but there was no communication between us for two weeks prior to him leaving.
No his younger sibling isn't talking to him since finding out what has happened today, he text his brother some home truths and the replies made DS2 so angry that he was nearly in tears. The boys relationship has never been good as younger sibling has always struggled to understand his brothers behaviour and been embarrassed In the past especially whilst at school
Where did we go wrong?

Aquamarine1029 Sun 15-Oct-17 18:42:23

... a mother should love and be there for her children no matter what.

Nope. Not a chance, and I fear this may have contributed to the horrible position you've been left in. Of course we love our children and always will, even when they disappoint us, but bailing them out constantly does them no favours. He is a grown man who acts like a teenager and has been supported like a teenager for much too long. It doesn't appear that he has ever had to face the realities of adulthood. LThe only thing you are "guilty" of is going WAY above and beyond in trying to help him for far too long. You did this out of love. It also appears that your son is a first class narcissist. It is obvious that so long as his needs are met, he doesn't give a damn how his behaviour or laziness affects anyone else.

It's high time you cut the apron strings. Permanently. If he falls flat on his face, OH WELL. It's time for him to grow up and it's time for you to stop feeling guilty for the choices a grown man has made. Let him twist in the wind. He deserves it.

Changerofname987654321 Sun 15-Oct-17 20:54:38

Yes to loving him but no to treating your very adult DC like a child. You if continue to enable childish behaviour then it will continue.

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