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Dd1 thinks I love dd2 more

(8 Posts)
PhyllisWig Sat 14-Oct-17 21:27:30

Sorry, bit long. They are twins, 8 years old.

Of course I don't love dd1 less but I do find dd2 easier. Dd1 is a massive daddy's girl and has been since birth. She is quite an emotional child, very verbal, wears her heart on her sleeve. She is bright kind and very very funny but she tends to the whingy and perceives injustice at every turn which tbh can be a bit draining.

She gets lots of physical affection, has friends at school and lots of love from both me and dh. I work full time in a senior role so it's not massively unusual for me to only see her for half an hour a day in the week but dh picks them up every day and I spend all weekend with both girls.

I try to spend good time with them both on the weekend but she wants constant attention, playing with etc. In the week she's self sufficient so I get the fact she wants my attention when she can have it but she ends up constantly complaining about nothing being good enough.

I snapped today when she started to cry during strictly because I cuddled her sister. I've spend the whole day with dd1 pottering, playing and chatting. Poor dd2 has been ill on the sofa and I've pretty much left her to her own devices so wanted to have a few minutes with both of them together. Apparently this means I don't love dd1!

Obviously something is making dd1 insecure but when I try to talk to her I can't work out what. Things she comes up with are around me not feeding her i.e. Letting her eat sweets, not telling her sister off for things I've seen she isn't guilty of or doing household jobs instead of playing. She is 8 though so not a baby and should be able to grasp the fact that food doesn't cook itself.

Any ideas on how I can give her more security without leaving out dd2 (who is much more reserved and self sufficient thus easy to overlook).

RandomUsernameHere Sat 14-Oct-17 21:46:26

Hi OP, I have twins too. They are much younger than yours so I can't really comment from experience on this, but could it help for you and your DH to spend time individually with each DC, maybe at the weekend? It's hard though as that would eat into your time together as a whole family, which is precious.
Or if you have any friends or family that are willing to look after one DD, you could do something with the other.

bottlesandcans Sat 14-Oct-17 21:50:41

Half an hour a day isn't enough and she is clearly demonstrating that to you.

picklemepopcorn Sun 15-Oct-17 06:06:46

Try playing some Theraplay games with them, or her, in your 1 2 1 midweek time. It's very intense. It involves things like using a straw to blow a cotton wool pad back and forth to each other, hand massages, drawing on her back, etc. It builds emotional connection. She'll. feel more secure.

RandomUsernameHere Sun 15-Oct-17 07:26:23

Bottles that's not a very constructive comment. OP has said she works full time in a senior role and her DH picks their DDs up every day. Would you have a problem with it if the roles were reversed? I don't know many fathers that are able to spend more than half an hour a day with their DC during the week, so why should it matter if the mother is the main breadwinner?

Ecureuil Sun 15-Oct-17 07:29:55

Half an hour a day isn't enough and she is clearly demonstrating that to you

DH only sees our DC for half an hour a day during the week due to his working hours/commute. It’s just the way it is. Bills need paying.
Could you implement something where once or twice a month you take them both out individually doing something each twin particularly enjoys?

Xmasbaby11 Sun 15-Oct-17 07:37:17

I'd take them out individually at the weekend or at least do separate activities with them, you and dh taking one dc each.

My dd aren't twins but they are close in age and vye for my attention. Individual time makes a massive difference to their behaviour and mood. Tbh I think individual time for any dc is important, but even more so for sensitive children. It sounds like your dd1 is getting plenty of attention though so it's tricky!

PhyllisWig Sun 15-Oct-17 08:49:12

Thanks everyone. Yes in an ideal world I'd be home earlier but even on a good day I'd have a hour max because of my working hours and commute. DH is a fab hands on dad and our working set up has been like this since I went back after mat leave so it just is was it is.

I think individual time is the way forward. Dd1 is showing signs of being a great cook and I love cooking so that's a way forward. That and putting my phone down a bit more I think.

Appreciate the help thanks.

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