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Parenting

Single Mom Involved With Social Services

53 replies

SingleMamaa · 11/10/2017 23:49

Hi
Wandering if anyone could help or give me some advise...
I’m a single mom to two boys, I have recently got into a new relationship after being single for sometime with a man who I have been friends with for 4/5 years.

He has a child to an ex partner who was very controlling and abusive and police had previously been involved with them, this is over6 years ago.

3/4 months into our relationship social services have knocked on our door out of the blue saying he poses a threat to my boys and has to leave the property for the night till they come back and speak to me the following day to carry out some assessments.

I have no issues with them carrying out what they need to but can they just come and tell him to leave? How long does he have to stay away for?
He is amazing with my boys not rude or abusive we are a very happy family, can someone please help?

TIA

OP posts:

Report

SerendipityFelix · 11/10/2017 23:57

You are not a happy family. You’ve been in a relationship for 3/4 months (is it 3 or is it 4?) Either way if you can count the relationship easily in weeks, then it is massively unfair on your children to include him as your family.

Do you think social services are intervening for their own amusement? You’ve just been told by an authority whose purpose is to safeguard your children, that this man poses a risk. Why is your first response to defend him?

Just from that one post it seems you have pretty poor boundaries. Listen to SS. They are prioritising your children.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 12/10/2017 00:00

i think you've had half a story from him. Listen to SS. Find out what he did.

Leave the drama, your kids don't need it, even if you want it.

Slightlydizzydaily · 12/10/2017 00:16

I think you need to put the dc 100% first. In this situation whatever the ultimate concern they have turns out to be you need to do everything to comply with SS to show them you are properly protecting the dc. There may also be real risk here.

Some people are very charming and persuasive at first - many abusers begin like this and then only turn nasty months down the line once they have gained trust.

You need to listen very carefully to what police and SS tell you. I would ask for full Sarah's Law andClare's law disclosures - if he has convictions for dv or child sa you want to know about them.

I'm sorry you have had a shock on this but glad the authorities are trying to safeguard you and the dc

SingleMamaa · 12/10/2017 00:24

Serendipity felix

I’m not defending him I am asking for advise as I have not been in a situation like this before

I have known him as a friend for almost 5 years now and he has not been involved with no domestics

As for relationship we have been living together for 3 months 3 weeks!

I have put my boys first and always will hence asked him to leave for the night.

I am fully aware of his past relationship with his baby mother and she has been arrested twice for turning up at his parents home kicking off with them but all this was over 6 years ago

I have no issues with SS being involved or doing any assessments as they are only looking out for the welfare of my kids I only wanted to know whether this really was a matter of staying away for one day or would this turn into something long term? Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

Also as for happy family we are very happy together that includes the relationship he has with my boys! Even though it’s been just short of 4 months it starts off from somewhere and gradually builds up over time just because it’s a short period of time does not mean people can’t be in a happy relationship

Thankyou for your reply

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 12/10/2017 00:33

I would presume if it was that urgent to get him to move out you would be a priority

Graphista · 12/10/2017 01:39

Why on earth are you rationalising and justifying?

SS turn up and TELL you he is a risk to your children - the only thing you need to do is get him gone!!

I really do not understand people who prioritise an adult over their dc, I include in that ALL parents who move in new boyfriends/girlfriends less than a year after starting the relationship. Why? What's the rush?

You have NO IDEA what he's done you don't know what happened in his previous relationship abusers don't go round shouting about what they've done even the victims don't!

Get this guy out of your and DC's life NOW.

abbsisspartacus · 12/10/2017 01:50

Just do what they say could take a few months

lumleyy · 12/10/2017 01:54

agreed just do what they say, there’s a reason they’ve said he’s a danger so wait and find out

peppapigearworm · 12/10/2017 02:43

He is amazing with my boys not rude or abusive we are a very happy family, can someone please help?

SS don't do such a thing without very good reason, he must pose a very serious danger. You are together a matter of weeks, he shouldn't be anywhere near your children in the first place, never mind living with them (after what, a week?)

you need to grow up, get rid of him, and try and be a better parent, or get used to a lot more SS involvement.

Bubblebubblepop · 12/10/2017 02:44

As for whether he stays away for the night or long term isn't that up to you? If they come tomorrow and tell you he rapes his children are you seriously going to ask them that?!

Basically if he poses a danger to your children and you carry on seeing him they'll take action to protect your children against you. Because you're putting them in danger

You're a fast mover. Bad men like that.

Atenco · 12/10/2017 03:34

That must be such a shock, OP. I'm so sad for you. Everything that people are saying here is true, but they should also understand how hard it is for you.

JigglyTuff · 12/10/2017 03:47

No atenco. I don't need to understand that. I need to understand why a woman has moved a man age barely know into her house with her children.

And why her first thought isn't 'Christ, what terrible stuff has he done for them to do something so drastic' rather than 'Are they allowed to do this?'

JigglyTuff · 12/10/2017 03:47

FFS: a man she barely knows ...

peppapigearworm · 12/10/2017 03:48

No, we should not. It should not be even slightly hard.

Graphista · 12/10/2017 07:04

No it's not hard - my child ALWAYS comes first

Lagerthaisfabulous · 12/10/2017 07:09

Op, his ex may have been abusive. But that could also just be his story. They could have both been abusive. You only know his side. Because no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

What you do know is that SS are saying he is a danger to your children. That should be enough to keep him away. SS dont just do this on a whim.

You shouldnt be worrying about where hr is going to sleep. You should be worrying about your kids.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 12/10/2017 07:13

you only have his side of the story OP. You’re only going to hear the bad bits about his ex, he’s hardly going to tell you about the time he slapped his dc is he. You need to wise up, listen to what SS have to say about him and act accordingly. If he is a danger to your children, are you so desperate that you would ignore what they say and allow him to stay? You do know they can take your children away if they deem them to be in danger?

AdalindSchade · 12/10/2017 07:18

Social services can't force you or he to do anything. But what does it say about you as a mum if they tell you he may pose a risk to your children and you say 'I don't believe you'?

Fragglewump · 12/10/2017 07:19

Oh dear. I can assure you there is very very strong evidence he is a risk to your children. If you do not take action your children could well be removed from you and placed into foster care. Do not choose a dubious man over your children. I foster and the thresholds for anyone to intervene are shockingly high - i.e. Your children are at risk. Get rid of this man.

Steeley113 · 12/10/2017 07:25

Social services don't knock on your door for no reason. He's clearly sold you a pack of lies. Get full dbs disclosure on him and put your children first.

WellThisIsShit · 12/10/2017 07:29

Knowing someone for 5 yrs must give a skewed sense of security I think.

However, knowing someone a bit for a long time isn't any guarantee that they are safe or healthy to be around. All it means is that he's had a lot of time to tell you nice stuff about himself.

You may feel like you're a 'happy family together' but in reality, you've only been close to him for 3/
/4 months and cannot be a family together at all!

You need to ask social services exactly why he's a danger to your children.

And you need to protect your children. Put them first.

This is serious. If you ignore social services concerns, and if you move him back into your home without a full 'all clear' from ss, you risk losing your children.

I'm not going to soft pedal it to you as your post doesn't seem to 'get it'. Social services won't hesitate to protect your children if they decide you can't be trusted to put your children first. You're either a threat to your children or a protective force. You can't be both protective and eager to move this man back in. Social services reasoning is very clear in these circumstances, and they won't be reassured by you telling them how lovely your partner is, how your children 'love him' and how much you trust him. They aren't looking for reassurance from you, they are looking for signs that you are capable of putting your children's safety first. Any excuses will just convince them you cannot be trusted to safeguard your children.

So, ask them what he's done and how dangerous he is. Don't ask how quickly you can move him back in to have full access to your kids...

PoppyPopcorn · 12/10/2017 07:31

How can you both be a "single mom" and a "happy family"?

Please don't put this man before your children as you will lose them if SS thinks this person is a danger to them.

MaverickSnoopy · 12/10/2017 07:35

It's fairly unusual for a partner to move in so quickly at the start of a relationship. What was the reason? I feel that it could add to the bigger picture.

marble11 · 12/10/2017 07:36

My ex met a new girlfriend and he told her all sorts about me that I was violent and I had been arrested etc.

She believed him. Despite how violent he alledged I was I still had DD living with me.

6 months into their relationship her kids were removed.

I then received a phone call off her parents via Facebook telling me they had concerns about what he was telling her and the children. I told them to go and ask about Clares Law.

Of course they then found out the truth it was all him...

You need to tread carefully here. Put your kids first.

Worriedobsessive · 12/10/2017 07:37

Did you move this man straight in? You've been together 4 months and he moved in 3 months 3 weeks ago? Is that right?

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