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Struggling to find my place(16 Posts)
I've posted here before and received so much support and advice, for which I'm very grateful.
In summary, this year has been tough. DH and I had a sickly newborn and DS was in hospital for about 4 weeks after the birth. The dog died. DH shut down his business and is currently suffering from mild depression. Finances have been tight due to the closing down of the business and we had some legal issues to resolve related to the business.
DS is now 9 months old and I'm 23 weeks with our second.
annoyingly can't really afford a second now but I conceived before the business was shut down
Despite all the shit we've had to deal with, I like to think that generally I'm pretty upbeat. I've been tired and fed up lately but am quite chilled out with DS and am lucky enough to have found my swing with our little routine.
My massive struggle at the moment is that I'm really finding it hard to settle into any friendships. I know a lot of mums now and have put lots of work into building relationships with people but I think where I have so much on my plate I'm really struggling to deal with the dramas and anxieties that so many people seem to have around looking after their babies.
I guess in the analogy, my cup is empty. I make all the right noises when anyone is struggling, etc, but am just generally fucked off with it.
I feel like a bitch that I dont want to give any more but I also really don't want to be alone. I'm already feeling pretty lonely where DH has been emotionally absent due to the depression.
I know I'm the one with the problem - I'm now currently distancing myself from the third group of mums I've integrated with and am beginning to feel like people aren't that willing to meet up with me anyway. But then I'm not sure if that's in my head.
I really don't know how to fix this. I just need my own little space with a few friends away from coffee shops. Friends who aren't too scared to take their babies swimming and aren't still panicking about feeding their babies finger foods at older than nine months. I'm not being horrible to my friends, I just literally can't deal with the anxiety of others any more. I have no idea how to manage this.
I'm seeing my midwife on Weds and will have a chat to her. I should be seeing my therapist but currently finances are only stretching so far and DH needs priority for paying for therapy at the moment.
I'm just so stuck
my last thread lots said I was likely suffering from pnd. This is probably true but I'm managing okish on the whole
It was a bit garbled, sorry.
Here's my previous thread for context
I wouldn’t rule out Post Natal Illness either. It seems like you are coping with the baby but not much else. Have you thought about getting in touch with APNI and talking about how you are feeling?
Could your GP refer you for some free therapy if finances are tight?
I'll have a look at the link, thank you. I can't work out if it's just me being a bitch. We've just had so much to contend with lately. Thankfully things do seem to be settling down.
I don’t think you are being a bitch at all. Sounds like you have had a year of big changes and you are a new mum who’s struggling and could do with a bit of extra support. Hope you find some
Thank you. I really just don't know where to turn. I'm so tearful again today and feel like my relationship is in tatters. I don't think it is but I'm just so unhappy. I'm seeing the midwife today and am going to book a gp appointment I think
It sounds as if you've had a relentlessly stressful and draining year. Pregnancy and looking after a newborn are both exhausting and you've been doing both at once. Grieving for a loved pet, financial worries and caring for a depressed partner are all emotionally exhausting and dealing with all three would be tough enough at the best of times. You need some time off and some support and some tlc.
I agree that talking to the gp would be a really good idea. I also think you & your DH should consider reassessing your therapy priorities considering how important it will be for you to be well in the next few months. In the meantime if at all possible negotiate bits of time for yourself to do 'battery-recharging' kinds of things (whatever will make you feel a little better - baths, walks, time alone to read, anything that gives you back a bit of you. I know how inadequate that all sounds but it really can help).
You're not being a bitch. You've been looking after everyone and now you need a rest and some looking after yourself
It really does feel like it's been a hideous year so far. I saw the GP this morning and he's done an emergency referral to the community mental health team. No idea what that means or what happens next so we shall see
What I'd really like is to be able to.spend some time with dh but he's not hugely interested these days
Good for you . I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone. Is there anything you & DH used to enjoy doing together that you could organise? Or just sort out a babysitter and go out for a drink or to the cinema?
Finances are really tight but we were given a gift voucher for my birthday for a pub so went out on saturday and DH has a works night out this saturday which I'm also invited too. That'll be nice.
I really hope we'll be ok. At the moment, I'm not too sure
Google 'free things to do in place' wherever you are, I just tried it for my city & randomly for slough & loads of stuff came up for both of them
My relationship was a right mess when dc1 was under 1, I think it's pretty normal for the first year or two with kids. Hang on in there
Have you tried hanging out with mums that have older children but with second/third/fourth your DS's age?
I know what you mean about new mum anxieties, that first year does weird things to your head and it gets a bit wearing.
Mums of more than one are usually much more relaxed, less judgemental on parenting styles and easier to talk to IMO.
FWIW I found some great mum friends once my first started nursery. I found the intensity of it all lessened and the conversations were more interesting.
This forum maybe of use to your DH in terms of the business.
Thank you all. I have an idea of where we can go for free on dh's birthday over the weekend now. Going to borrow a carrier from the sling library on Friday.
I have put my name down on the waiting list for a toddler group so am hoping that.might be useful to meet people. I guess I'll be a mum of two very soon so hopefully can meet other mums with two or more kids!
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