Intense loneliness and unhappiness... feel like terrible parent(8 Posts)
I really hope it is okay to post this here, because I don't know where else to turn and I have no one else to talk to.
It has been a long time since I had any friends, and my life revolves around looking after my 3yo and working full-time with a very long commute. It sounds simple, but it is exhausting. My dh and I rarely talk anymore, and we don't go out. We are just about coping with keeping things going.
I have got to the point where I don't want to speak at all anymore; all I want to do is sit and cry. I just can't cope any more and have no one to turn to to talk about anything. I'm at home today and my little one is downstairs playing on her own, while I am lying on my bed crying. I feel like such a terrible mother, but I don't know what to do.
Over the last few years, my world has got smaller and smaller and it now has no one to talk to in it.
I'm so sorry you feel like this. You could speak to your gp or health visitor, no shame in asking for help-I did. If you are looking for new friends you could try the mush app.
I tried reaching out to my GP and was told to book a double appointment because I felt as though I was breaking. Unfortunately, it didn't go well; she was distracted and unwilling to talk about what was happening and more interested in asking about my job (which is quite interesting). So, I left with no help and feeling even worse than I already did.
I feel so guilty for feeling like this. On the face of it, my life is normal and has the same stresses as everyone else's. For some reason, I just can't cope. I don't know why.
The thought of meeting someone else, or making friends, now terrifies me because how can anyone want to befriend someone who is so broken and unable to talk about anything?
You need to get help. And can I say your post sounds like something I’d write? It’s fucking exhausting isn’t it?
Your gp is one point of call if you would consider antidepressants- they’re no panacea but they can help. But of course that’s up to you.
What you need is twofold. Short term, you need help to take some of the logistical and emotional load off. Longer term you need to make choices about how your life is arranged.
The NHS will only give you CBT unless you manage to pull off a miracle and get proper therapy. Can you afford to pay privately to see someonewho can give you some proper therapy? If you can, do. I did - it’s been lifesaving.
Then you need some time to yourself. Any family nearby? I have no one in this country so DH and I take turns to give each other some alone time - you need to carve out some time, to do what you want to do, whatever that is. Even if it’s ‘sit alone and read.’ It’s vital.
Long term - what you’re doing isn’t working. Something has to change. What can change? Can dh give you a night off once a week? Half day at the weekend? You do he same for him? Something is going to have to give.
Ignore what other people do. They aren’t you.
And above all - be kind to yourself. Parenting young kids and holding down a demanding job is really hard.
I felt the same. I have a good job, no money worries, nice house etc etc so there should have been no reason for me to be depressed but I was. I think you should go to another gp, medication has helped me, But it took a long time for me to ask for help. I find it very hard to make friends so I understand how you feel there. I often arrange to meet up with people but pull out at the last minute as I'm anxious about how it will go and what they will think about me.
Now your DC is a bit older maybe meet some other parents for <grits teeth> playdates?
You have the DC in common and can chat about them without feeling pressured to make small talk about normal life or actually make friends. I hated toddler groups as I am quite shy, but I went to them regularly as they helped my social skills as well as my DDs
Meet away from home on neutral ground (e.g. The park, soft play) then you can make excuses and leave if you can't cope. Build up your confidence gently, then move on to home visits or longer days out.
What happens at the weekends? Do you get a chance to do things all together that are fun, or is it all about getting stuff done before Monday?
Can you afford a babysitter and make time to go out with your DH, just for a simple evening out so you can talk?
Have you got any annual leave available? Could you take a day or two and do some things for yourself, things that you would enjoy?
I think I'd ask to see a different GP, ask for a double appointment, and write down the things you want to say. You could use what you've written here as a starting point, and you could say what happened at the last appointment and how that made you feel. Hopefully a different GP will give you a better response. Maybe the GP surgery has a doctor who has an interest in mental health who can see you.
You're not a bad parent at all btw, otherwise you wouldn't be worried about it. You're allowed to feel how you feel, it doesn't make you a bad parent.
It's a shame you had a negative experience with the GP - I wonder if she thought she was being helpful focusing on your work? could you ask to see a different doctor? If not could you look on the BACP website and find a psychotherapist who offers cheap sessions in your area?
Here is my opinion - I think working full time and caring for a child is insanely hard. It makes life a treadmill and you don't get to enjoy much of anything - I also think it puts too much pressure on weekends.
Can you make a list of changes that you could (potentially - don't rule things out for being impossible - consider everything) make.
- could you go part time?
- could you take some time off to sit and think things through/ find someone to talk to/ find counselling etc
- could you and your husband both drop a day? so you both feel better?
- could you make changes in the way you communicate with him - can you find a friend/ relative to babysit while you go and just have a pint in the local pub - no need to spend lots of money - I find that my husband and I get on much much better out of the house and away from the kids
- can you make a list of enjoyable days out - beach/ woods etc and get out of the house at weekends
The most important thing I would want to say to you is that it IS hard - you aren't failing! its literally fucking hard - if you are unhappy you need to make changes - slowly but surely you can change things.
keep posting too x
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