Crap mum. Struggling. Need help

[Whatislife123]

Hello. I really need some help on how to be a better mother. I have a 2 year old and for most part we have a lovely time together however I am struggling badly with my anger issues.
around once per week i shout at him. Not prolonged shouting but enough to scare him and make him cry. I feel so awful and guilty after and feel like the shittest parent on the planet. I lack compassion and have no patience.
I myself had an abusive childhood which consisted of beatings and shouting swearing. Lots of anger from parents. I really want to give my my lovely toddler a better childhood then i had.
Please can anyone give me some tips, book recommendations etc on how to manage my anger and be a better parent. Thanks.

[chloechloe]

You're not a crap mum! Crap mums yell at their kids and don't give it a second thought. And given your upbringing it's not surprising you're finding yourself in this situation.

Are there particular types of scenario that set you off? Maybe work on identifying those situations and trying to avoid them? I tend to lose my temper if I'm stressed because I'm running late in the mornings so make extra effort to get myself organised the night before so we're less rushed. I also find it helps to voice how I'm feeling - I tell my 2.5 yo that I'm starting to lose my patience and then move away to try and calm down. It's ok and even good to voice your feelings - kids need to learn that their actions provoke different kinds of feelings in adults. I find removing myself from the situation usually is enough to diffuse the tension, like today when my DD was having a tantrum and refusing to get dressed. I walked away to get on with something else and she calmed down straight away.

[Hassled]

Does it make me also a crap mum if I think that actually shouting once a week at a 2 year old isn't so bad? You have a tipping point - I really don't think it does a child any harm to know that Mum has a tipping point - you can push things so far and then that's enough. And two year olds are notoriously hard work - it's relentless.

One tip I heard on MN which really did help me years ago was the "pretend there's a TV film crew in the room recording you" trick. It sounds like bollocks but when you feel yourself losing it, just think about that film crew and the documentary they're making. It makes you hold back, take a breath, get some perspective.

And it gets easier - it really does. Hang on in there.

[Whatislife123]

Thankyou all for your advice. I lose it when i am stressed or tired. I shall be taking all your advice on board and hopefully my tantrams will go.

[missymayhemsmum]

When you are boiling over, take a step back and think about why you are angry. Are you overtired/hungry/ worried/scared?
It's ok to say to a child' I'm sorry, I was angry and tired. I shouldn't have shouted at you' . In fact, it sets a good example. What is worse is to make your emotions your child's fault.
Cliche, but take a deep breath and count to 10.
Find some silly-swear words

[Loopylind]

Having kids doesnt come with an instruction manual and there’s no Oscar night presentation award. So dont beat yourself up about it, but do try to put something in place to identify it and control it when it happens.

I saw this the other day, not tried it myself but maybe it can focus you?

thedeliberatemom.com/stop-yelling-today/

Good luck and remember you are human.

[BerryBee]

Hi OP, I struggle with managing anger too. I had a shit childhood and have a lot of repressed anger from it. It's so so hard. Like you i'm so worried about this impacting on my DD.

Try looking into mindfulness meditation and also a book that enables you to deal with the repressed anger from your childhood. I have this one:

<a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Gael-Lindenfield-Managing-Dealing-Frustration/dp/B00I60KA9C?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">//www.amazon.co.uk/Gael-Lindenfield-Managing-Dealing-Frustration/dp/B00I60KA9C?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Good luck. And you are a great mum for having the insight to do something and recognise the issue.

[Blogwoman]

Hi OP, I found this book so helpful when my children were young, showing ways of dealing with various situations and behaviour <a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1506635929&sr=1-1&keywords=talk%20so%20kids%20listen&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">//www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1506635929&sr=1-1&keywords=talk%20so%20kids%20listen&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 It has text and cartoon strips, showing the 'wrong' way of dealing with your child's behaviour and a better way.
Good luck - great you're looking for solutions.