Wedding: Do I attend?

[Blueeyes91]

Hey all,

I'm quite new, so I'm really sorry if I'm posting in the wrong area.

Last year one of my best friends asked me to be her bridesmaid. I instantly said yes. Then this summer she purchased all the bridesmaid dresses, shoes and jewellery (she's supper organised).

Well since agreeing to the bridesmaid and sorting the dress, I've fallen pregnant. I'm due to give birth mid April and her wedding is at the very start of June 2018.

I live in London and her wedding is in Glasgow. My partner and I have planned to drive up and stay in a hotel. Only now that plan is going to include a wee baby. Who will be being BF...

I'm not sure if I should be going, it's a long way to travel. That dress is definitely not going to fit me. And I'm worried how it will be for baby...

My best friend and I do clash a little and so it's not uncommon for us to fall out. Unfortunately I know a lot of her responses already, before I even say I'm not going (not that I've fully decided). I already know telling her I'm pregnant isn't going to go down well.

What would you do? Am I over thinking this?

[Bumdishcloths]

I think I'd lose my mind if someone tried to police me into being the same size from one summer to the next by buying a bridesmaid dress a year early

It's a very long distance for a new mother and small baby, and the journey will be made longer by frequent stops to feed/change etc. I think your friend would be unreasonable to expect your attendance, and if she reacts badly then she's not a terribly good friend.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

If she's any kind of friend she will be pleased about your being pregnant.

Maybe you could ask to pull out of being bridesmaid but ask if ok to attend with bf baby.

All birtgs/babies are different, so hard to say how you will be feeling by then 're travelling.

Personally, with my first after an ELC all was well and I was pretty slim and able to travel. Second after another section, I still looked pregnant for ages but was pretty active soon after. Third after another section, definitely not slum and slower recovery. But that's just me!

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Sorry about typos!

[uhoh2016]

I think you should still go and be bridesmaid. Can your mum or partners mum travel with you too look after baby especially why the ceremony is on. You could nip in and out to feed baby etc. You don't know that the dress won't fit but could you perhaps exchange the one she's already got for a bigger size and get it altered if needs be. Your best friends wedding is a one off occasion or it should be anyway I think long term you'd both be gutted if you missed it

[Bumdishcloths]

It's a 7 hour journey. That's without stops. Yes all babies are different, and all births are different, but that is a massive commitment of a journey to make...

[TisapityshesaGeordie]

Technically you could fly up - flying with a small baby is easier than you might think. But it's not something I'd have been up to within a couple of months of my first DC being born. My second, yes. But he wasn't a CS, and unlike his big sister, he actually slept.

[Elkalv]

Driving more than 2 hours is not recommended for babies ( sitting in car seat), then also baby is not going to be vaccinated and probably not going to have much of a routine with feeding and sleeping. Baby can also get easily overstimulated with too many people around. I think it might be too stressful for both you and baby to enjoy this occasion, so perhaps let your friend know sooner rather than later and she can invite someone else.

[badg3r]

Get the train. London to Glasgow with a tiny baby on the train is fine. No stop start through airport security and you can feed whenever you need to unlike in the car.

Is the wedding at a hotel? Can you get a room there? If there are six weeks between your due date and the wedding then realistically you're looking at anything between 4 and 9 week old baby. I wouldn't commit to being away from them for the day at that age, basically all they do is eat, cry and sleep!

I'm also not sure about being a bridesmaid. Worst case scenario, baby is crying for a feed as friend walks down the aisle. Or you get sick down your dress and it is very obvious in the photos. You already sound like your friend is not going to be very understanding of the initial news, how is she likely to be of things go wrong on the day?

On the plus side, if you are from Scotland, you could tie in the wedding with a trip to your folks' so everyone can meet your new baby.

[badg3r]

Sorry, didn't actually get to the point! In your position I would go to the wedding if you can take the baby, but not be bridesmaid and leave around 9.

[RoryItsSnowing]

I personally wouldn't go, you might be doing fine but you might be really struggling with establishing breastfeeding or dealing with other struggles of a newborn/ c section recovery.
Seven hours in a car is crazy with such a small baby as it will realistically be a LOT longer. You'll also be shattered. And I wouldn't take a tiny baby on a train full of germs until they're a few weeks bigger.

[talkshowhost97]

Firstly congratulations!

The biggest problem you have here is that you just can't know. Any number of posters will come on and say they would have been fine to go with a 4-6week old baby or that they couldn't even have contemplated leaving the house. You can't know yourself, let alone us be able to predict .

One thing is sure, you need to bow out of being a bridesmaid asap. If the bride reacts badly to your wonderful news then that says a lot about her. It's understandable that she will be disappointed, but a good friend would be able to put that to one side and see the bigger, happy picture.

Make the offer that you still really want to come but cannot promise or confirm 100% until baby has arrived. Best case scenario, all going well, you can still attend as a guest with DH on hand to help and remove baby as needed.

I would echo other posters that IME flying or the train with that age of baby, if you are feeding on demand can be easy. Much easier than with a toddler. Driving much less so as you need to stop frequently for car seat safety and feeds. (but again you state that you will be feeding, that's an unknown too even if you really want and intend to).

In your shoes I would pick the train as easier to take all the stuff you will need and pre-book 12 weeks before the wedding as there are very cheap advance fares on that route but if you wait until just weeks before it costs more than a mid-haul flight! Don't need to tell the bride that it's booked but saves you one more set of logistics after the birth if you decide to go. And cheap enough to write it off if you can't go.

Good luck breaking the news.

[Helbelle75]

Congratulations!
I personally wouldn't go. I had an emcs in April and our dd is breast fed - we wouldn't have been able to do that journey in June. She is now 5 months old and we would have to seriously think about it.
We've not tried the train yet, so that could be a consideration, but i personally think it would be too stressful.

[greentea4me]

I would definitely go, but by plane. Not by car!

[blueskyinmarch]

I would think that the first step would be to let your friend know and gauge by her reaction what you should do. You may be fine to be bridesmaid or you may not. She might be totally flexible about it or she may prefer you to come as a guest if you want to but not be a bridesmaid. Start with letting her know and take it from there. June is a long way away.

[mindutopia]

In that situation, personally, I would opt out of being a bridesmaid, but keep open the possibility of attending the wedding (unless you are absolutely sure you do not want to). Depending on baby's age, you honestly may not be able to fly (I think the minimum on many airlines is 6 weeks?), though not sure if you were planning to. Attending a wedding as a guest at that age wouldn't necessarily be a big deal, but you will likely want to leave early in the evening because you'll be exhausted and ready for bed. But your focus and attention will be elsewhere than on her big day. I'd step aside, let her have bridesmaids who will be totally focused on her for the day, and keep open the option that you may still be able to attend (but also that you may not) and leave that decision for a later day.

[Jackiebrambles]

I think you should tell her and say you think you need to pull out of being a bridesmaid, explaining the bf and dress stress. This is plenty of notice. And if you telling her you are PG doesn't go down well then she's being a massive twat!

But she's your best friend so i think you should still go for her big day, but just as a guest. And don't drive - get the plane or a train.

Tiny babies sleep a lot. So actually the age your little one would be they will be pretty portable. But a car journey would be stressful I think.

[Jackiebrambles]

I didn't know that babies have to be 6 weeks to fly, I thought they could fly earlier than that. Definitely check that!

Getting a passport takes a while though but of course you wouldn't need that for Scotland, I guess a birth certificate would do for the baby's ID?! I have no idea!

But I'm in London too and sometimes there is a long wait for an appointment for registering the birth....in order to get the certificate...so bear that in mind!

[schoolgaterebel]

I’d pullout if being a bridesmaid but just attend as a guest.

The stress of fitting into the dress, BF while at wedding etc. As well as the fact you will be heavily pregnant at any hen do etc.

I think it’s best to let her know ASAP

[RandomMess]

I would pull out of being bridesmaid but do my utmost to attend the wedding. Unless things are utterly hideous for either you or the baby (ie one that cries all the time or major birth trauma for you) young babies are very portable and will sleep most places.

[Blueeyes91]

Thanks for all the suggestions guys!

I think I'm just feeling very daunted about telling her. She's been so organised so early. I do hope she will understand me pulling out at least of being a bridesmaid.

Unfortunately neither mine, nor my partners family are near Glasgow and so I don't think I can ask them to travel and help out with care.

I know time will tell as to whether or not I'll be feeling up to the wedding in June. Unfortunately public transport will probably be out of the question due to prices. But perhaps we could do a staggered journey north and try and 'holiday' a bit as we go to make it more manageable...

Who knows! April is a long way away... ish. My 12 week scan is tomorrow. So wish me luck on Thursday when I will be breaking the news to her that I won't be a bridesmaid. I'll never be ready to fit into it, let alone get in and out of it easily to BF.

[talkshowhost97]

Unfortunately public transport will probably be out of the question due to prices.

If like I said in my previous post you book advance train fares around 12 weeks ahead it really won't. You can get London to Scotland fares for £20-30 return. Even paying for 2 adults that's cheaper that the fuel would be driving. I would do that and just write it off if you can't go. If you decide last minute to go, yes train fares will be hundreds each.

[talkshowhost97]

Good luck for tomorrow's scan and for telling the bride on Thursday

[Peachesandcream15]

You can't possibly drive. You're going to have to stop at least every 2 hours and realistically, more often than that.

[greendale17]

I wouldn't go.

Will you fit into the dress?

[user1499169579]

I went to two weddings in ds first six months. And three more by the time he was two, including one on a Greek island.

My brides maid had a 4mo ds at my wedding. And flew in from Spain for the weekend.

By the time of the wedding your husband should be able to care for ds/dd for an hour solo. He can walk him in the pram/sling during the service whilst you attend to bride at service. (At my wedding the dad held his ds and if he made any noise it doesn't feature in any of my memories of the service)

But you probably can't do the whole getting prepped together in a hotel etc experience so should discuss/manage her expectations about that that with her.

During the reception you can sit at top table with your dh and baby in a sling so you can bf/baby can sleep.
My ds did this contentedly til midnight.
With a few 'outings' for cuddles with guests.

With regards to the dress.
Talk to a dress maker. Explore how to make a dress that could work for bf-Ing and be in keeping with the style the bride has chosen.
And get it made
Or wear the 'correct' style dress (in new size) for service, but make /buy something in correct colour scheme that works for bf-ing for the reception.

I say all this based on the presumption you love your bride, are enthusiastic about supporting her, but are worried about the logistics.
If not, this would be a perfect reason to bail.
But you don't need to, so long as she and you both care for each other.