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Parenting

Rejected by my toddler

6 replies

TooFew · 22/09/2017 20:33

Had a pretty bad day today so am hoping someone that's been through this can pass on some words of advice. None of my friends have gone through this so feeling in the dark and have definitely hit a wall.

My toddler has been going through what my DP calls a 'daddy phase' for about 9 months now. We both work and it's pretty 50/50 when it comes to her. I have one extra day off with her.

It's become worse more recently where she'll only go to him if she's hurt, been slapping me in the face, shouts no at me a lot and doesn't want to give me kisses etc. I'm continuing to remain consistent and upbeat with her and not let it impact how I am with her (which is pretty bloody hard) because that's just the way it is and I'm her mum. My DP has been doing a great job of 'promoting' me to her and is affectionate to me around her when she's in a rejection mood.

The only thing she had been ok with up to this evening is me putting her to bed. Till now! She had a full hysterical fit tonight and it really hit me hard this time and I couldn't hold in a little cry (shamefully in front of her which I feel terrible about) I'm usually a very strong character and can handle most situations logically and calmly but feel broken. I pulled myself together and persevered. I managed to calm her down by singing to her and she eventually relaxed.

I'm quite sure my mental capacity can't cope with that every night and I don't want to upset her. We're at a loss for what to do. Do we carry on as normal and let the phase (if that's what this is) ride out or do I let DP take over whenever she rejects me? Is there anything else I can be doing? Or should stop doing?

Feel like I'm failing on this.

OP posts:
kickingk16 · 22/09/2017 21:28

Hi OP- we're going through this at the moment in reverse with our DD, so although I can't offer you much in terms of advice, I just wanted to let you know you're not on your own with this and I think you're doing an amazing job in dealing with it when it's so incredibly tough to experience. Flowers

My DP and I are similarly 50:50 (he does nursery pick ups / drop offs, I'm with her for 2 days a week) and he's so lovely with her, but in recent months she's started to only want me for certain things, push his arms away, refuse to do things with him, orders him away, won't let him pick her up, especially when she's tired or under the weather. I can see that it's really hurtful, though he tries not to show it and can really upset him sometimes.

When she's like this and requests only me for things, I try to instead do things as a family (e.g. family hug), and talk to her about being a family and doing things with mummy and daddy together. I've no idea if that's the best approach and there are times we both concede and let her have her way for sake of speed / ease but it sounds like you're doing all the right things too and I'm sure your phase will end soon and she'll be a mummy's girl before long!

Is it easier if you spend one on one time with her? My DP sometimes finds it easier when I'm not around, so we try to arrange solo activities as well as family outings.

Others will probably have far better advice than me, but please hang in there - you're not a failure at all, you're a wonderful mum doing a brilliant job of staying positive in the face of a really hard toddler phase. Xx

TooFew · 23/09/2017 09:32

Thanks for replying kicking We have a similar trick when she rejects me of having a family cuddle. Like you say we don't know if this is a good tactic or not but it makes me feel a little better.

Yes she's much better when it's just the two of us. We have 1 day a week when it's just the two of us and she's fine with me. Ita just when DP is there. It's particularly tough when she's hurt and every instinct makes me want to comfort her but she becomes distressed when I try if DP is there and only wants him.

I know I should just be grateful I have an active partner in her life that she adores. It's just hard to carry on as normal when she rejects me. Thanks for your kind words...it was uplifting to read Smile

OP posts:
WhatWouldGenghisDo · 23/09/2017 20:31

Don't take it personally OP! She's working on her relationship with your OH at the moment for whatever reason, and it's probably also a lot about control and wanting to be in charge of what happens to her (same as when toddlers get really het up about being given the wrong plate etc). It's not a rejection of you in any serious or long-term way. If anything it shows how relaxed she is about her relationship with you - it's not that she doesn't think it's important, it's just that she's sure it's unbreakable Flowers

Chances are in a year she'll be going through a mummy phase and you'll be wishing you could get the occasional moment to yourself

It sounds like you're handling it really well. Group hugs sound lovely. IME being really consistent about who does what and explaining that "it's mummy's turn to do x today, daddy will do it tomorrow" etc can help. But mostly I recommend having a cup of tea and a sit down when she wants her dad and reminding yourself it's just a normal phase.

mollysfriend · 23/09/2017 22:56

My son is totally a daddy's boy and I get completely sidelined sometimes. It's hard not to take it personally. Once, I took him out after his baby brother was born and he begged me to take him home to daddy because he didn't like me and he loved daddy. In my hormonal state, I was in tears (without him seeing me) and was so hurt but I did read that children don't realise they can love more than one person at once so while it's daddy at the moment, it will be your turn again soon.
Sounds like you're dealing with it great, try not to take it personally and of course, don't make him feel guilty.

d270r0 · 23/09/2017 23:01

Try doing lots of things just you and her. Play with her, make her laugh, put things on your head and look surprised when they fall off, tickle her, etc. My dc love it when I tickle their backs really gently. Try to do lots of fun, close things with her and this will change.

TooFew · 24/09/2017 11:34

Thanks all for your advice.

D27 I've been keeping myself fun and when she pushes me away and shouts no at me I've just started tickling her and it's really helping break the mood.

I've definitely been cautious not to put any guilt on DP Molly. He's been really supportive which I'm massively grateful for.

Its been really helpful putting this on here and getting advice. It's really reassuring to know it's not something I'm doing wrong and many others go through it. Thank you

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