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Feel guilty that sometimes I don't want my ADHD son. Anyone else feel this?

(70 Posts)
LanaDReye Mon 31-Jul-17 17:50:23

He's 7, about to start a low dose of Ritalin to help him focus. School feedback prompted this and I completely agree.

His dad (my ex) lets him sit for hours with electronics to shut him up on the occassions he has him. I take DCs out, spend time with him talking, so I get all his anger when he has his moments.

There are times when I feel so alone and desperately don't want the hard work any more. I work part time, see friends, have dated, but having a child that turns into an inferno of anger and can't focus is really tiring. My DD (11) tries to help and has managed to do well at school and socially despite the stress at home. I feel for her, she just wants normality!

Sometimes, when he is flaming mad and I have shown patience for ages, I tell him that I don't love nor want him anymore. Often, like now I have to walk away and have a moment to rest. I'm fed up of seeing my friend's DCs having straight forward days out and I'm dealing with a DC that can't follow basic social ques or instructions and rages over something that doesn't even make sense.

Then I feel guilty as he can be a lovely and caring boy when he's not in a negative 'moment'. Then I think maybe it's just me and someone else could do better sad

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jumpinguphigh2 Mon 31-Jul-17 17:53:12

I tell him that I don't love nor want him anymore

That's abuse. You disgust me. Get some help.

LanaDReye Mon 31-Jul-17 17:56:06

Thanks jumping please let me know your experience with a DC with SEN?

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Msqueen33 Mon 31-Jul-17 17:57:33

@jumpinguphigh2 get stuffed.

I have three kids and two are diagnosed with asd and ADHD and at times it is very very hard. My youngest is nearly five and is non verbal and yes in my darker moments I wish we'd not had her. But I adore and love her but it is hard.

I would be careful with what you say to him as it will damage his self esteem. You need to say it in your head or somewhere else.

Have you talked to his dad about what they do together?

You have my sympathy as people with NT kids just don't get it.

Anecdoche Mon 31-Jul-17 17:57:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jumpinguphigh2 Mon 31-Jul-17 17:57:53

I have 3 boys, aged 7,6,6, 7 year old has autism and SPD, the twins both have ADHD and one is deaf. They have pushed me to the edge of sanity, but I would never ever hurt them especially mentally.

Loopytiles Mon 31-Jul-17 17:58:19

It sounds really hard, but it's emotionally abusive to tell a DC you don't love or want them.

Hope you will seek any available help for yourself to help you cope with the very difficult situation.

PurpleDaisies Mon 31-Jul-17 17:58:54

I teach children with special needs including ADHD and you're certainly not the only parent to feel like this. It's exhausting and relentless at times. Ritalin can make a massive difference but just be aware you have to perserve because it can be worse before it helps.

Have you thought about support groups (in real life or online) for others in your position? You can say all the things that other parents might judge or struggle to understand.

Sometimes, when he is flaming mad and I have shown patience for ages, I tell him that I don't love nor want him anymore.

This really stood out as something that absolutely has to change though. He's seven. It isn't his fault. Say you hate how he's behaving, day nothing and leave the room to kick things but please don't tell a vulnerable child you don't love him or want him.

jumpinguphigh2 Mon 31-Jul-17 17:58:56

Msqueen33 your abusive post towards me is misplaced. biscuit

Liadain Mon 31-Jul-17 18:01:00

Way to be supportive, jumping. I'm sure you're all keen to help out? Maybe going to take the lad on a day out to give his mum a break? Nope, thought not...just want to get a dig in, I see.

I'm not a sn parent, but having had a seriously stressful home thanks to a brother with autism I know how fucking stressful it can be and that you can hate it. That's human. You need a healthy outlet for it op - journaling? Any parent support groups around you?

Hopefully the ritalin will turn things around for you.

jumpinguphigh2 Mon 31-Jul-17 18:03:52

Liadain if I minded him I wouldn't mentally and emotionally abuse him. Drop him off.

CatchingBabies Mon 31-Jul-17 18:10:12

Are you serious? You TELL your child that you don't love him and don't won't him? No wonder the poor kid has issues. That is emotional abuse and would be investigated if he told anyone that. And for the record I have a 14 year old son with autism, ADHD, moderate brain damage and sensory processing disorder. Believe me it's hard and I've felt at the end of my tether several times. I have NEVER told my son I don't love him or don't want it, you are disgusting!

BrioLover Mon 31-Jul-17 18:10:39

Helpful first response there <eye roll>

That sounds incredibly hard. I am at the start of a SEN journey with DS - he is 4 and has traits of high-functioning autism, sensory processing disorder and ADHD. I can completely understand those feelings of envy when looking at your friends' children and seeing how easily they get on with school and family life.

Have you had any parent coaching? We were referred via the SENCO at school. There is a charity near me called Add-Vance that provides it and the coaches specialise in ADHD/ASD.

Do try to change the language around the not loving him or wanting him though. He's already being left to his own devices at his dad's, and at 7 will notice that, so it's crucial he knows he is safe and loved at home with you. Can you use phrases like "I don't like this behaviour" and "this behaviour is making it difficult right now so I am going to walk away". (I find this really hard by the way and have to walk away without saying anything more often than not!)

flowers for you

LanaDReye Mon 31-Jul-17 18:11:48

Thanks I know it's wrong and that's why I walk away if I can. I always talk about the behaviour afterwards as the reason why I was unhappy and say I do love him.

It's the moments where I feel worn down and can't think straight as he is screaming at me how much he hates me and how much he hates his life because we have to do something normal like walk to the end of the road as we couldn't park nearer and he's already decided three or four things were wrong in a park 'just because'. I do the talking nicely, try distracting, try being blunt, try just walking. He will physically hit and kick. My daughter will try to help, but he says things to her too. It's only when he loses it that he is like this.

When he's calm we have a good relationship, but I need to remind him at least 5 times to do anything that he neefs to do. It's frustrating for us both.

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MaisyPops Mon 31-Jul-17 18:12:49

Don't be so bloody insensitive jumpinguphigh2
Here is a parent who is holding their hands up saying 'I'm really struggling and feeling crap' and you just wade in calling them abusive.

The OP doesn't need telling that it's unkind to say the things she has said. What she does need is a spot of compassion and support through a difficult time so she can get back towards a better place.

PurpleDaisies Mon 31-Jul-17 18:13:23

Unfortunately, however much you apologise and explain afterwards, those words of "I don't love you or want you" can't be unsaid.

CatchingBabies Mon 31-Jul-17 18:13:35

It's not wrong it's abuse. Look up the legal definition of emotional abuse. If a parent was beating their SEN child because they couldn't cope would everyone be saying poor parent it must be so hard? There is supporting people and there is telling them cold hard facts that what they are reporting is child abuse and needs to stop.

PurpleDaisies Mon 31-Jul-17 18:14:06

Sorry, pressed post. You HAVE to find a way not to sag that to him, however upset you are

Coloursthatweremyjoy Mon 31-Jul-17 18:15:58

I have one with ADHD and ASD...I love him to bits, I dont always like him that much. He can be amazing, he can also be very very hard work. I have an elder child with Aspergers who is very quiet and laid back but together it can be very full on.

I walk away, a lot. I will confess that I have shouted. I told him that I wish someone else looked after him. He was so upset "you dont want me anymore" that's not what I said but it did teach me the hard way to watch what I say. It also helped me when a neuro scientist I did some work related training with told me "you know how we talk about fight or flight? He is in that state all the time." Wow.

I sometimes feel like I wish things were different and I have told very close friends and DH that I wish I hadn't had him. (out of his hearing). The thing is its not true, I just wish he didn't have ADHD or ASD for that matter. It helps to separate him from his conditions.

We are on a medication break at the moment...I have just come back from a full on day out, keeping his interest and fielding his interactions with other children. He is having some XBOX time and is currently getting very enthusiastic...I'm tired...you aren't alone.

He went on a school residential for 3 days last year...sometimes I fanticise about respite care...

LanaDReye Mon 31-Jul-17 18:16:22

Thanks for the useful comments on here. I will read through these later and investigate. I haven't had any help beyond some photocopied sheets from a children's developmental centre (he has visited since the age of 4 as initially he was worse at school than home and SENCO suggested this).

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Spottytop1 Mon 31-Jul-17 18:17:35

You may talk about it afterwards but the words you said initially will stick in his mind.

No matter how you feel it is important not to say things like that to him - think it, mutter it when he is out of earshot and cry when he is out of sight/hearing... but do not say that to him.

Emily7708 Mon 31-Jul-17 18:20:30

I've got a severely disabled child who displays immensely challenging behaviour most of the time. I can honestly say that I have never in my life told him to his face that I don't love him or want him. That's extremely abusive. I can't believe you admit to doing that, or that several posters seem to think it's justified.

Coloursthatweremyjoy Mon 31-Jul-17 18:20:43

Oh...mine hates his life to...if the car is too far away...if we need to stop and buy milk...if he was told off for talking in class. I find it helps to sympathise "I know it's awful isn't it...if there were more spaces we could have been closer...stupid Tesco." Then we laugh.

LanaDReye Mon 31-Jul-17 18:21:05

I'm sorry that others know this feeling too flowers

It helps me to know this and it's ok to say that I shouldn't say what I have. It is only at the worst points and we talk about it afterwards. I would say 99% I hold it together or walk away. I feel wracked with guilt when I don't. Being honest on here helps.

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LanaDReye Mon 31-Jul-17 18:23:39

Colours you both laugh. Yes that's how it would work with my DD, but not with a child with SEN! You don't know what you are talking about!

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