Almost 3 year old well behaved with everyone else

[MummyWuks]

My DS is 3 years old at the end of the week.

With everyone else (nursery, grandmother, friends, people on street) he is perfectly behaved. Everyone who knows him says how friendly and confident he is, he will cuddle anyone he meets, often sings them a nursery rhyme or tells them he loves them.

With me he is completely different. Every morning he screams until my mum comes downstairs (we live with her) shouting he doesn't love me, "I don't like you here" "I don't want you mummy go away" "don't play me". Then as soon as my mum or his sister come down he runs up to them with a huge cuddle and smile.

At the dinner table he shouts "don't sit me" if I sit near his chair and asks to nestle in to my mum or whoever is there. When we go out he is absolutely fine until I have to hold his hand or look after him.

Yesterday we had friends over and the 9 year old who was playing with them got very distressed as my boy suddenly started screaming at me "don't join in mummy go away, I don't want you, I don't love you". It went on for about half an hour. This was because I sat down next to them playing his train set.

When we go out people are often amazed how he suddenly starts screaming at me and behaving completely differently.

His sister also favours other company but not so blatantly. I've tried ignoring it, saying it's not nice, being firm, counting, taking to quiet room, one-to-one outings, lots of hands on play which gets rejected. I'm so upset because he adores anyone but me. I know the parent is there for the child and not the other way around. But I still wish I could have a good relationship with my children. Has anyone got experience of this.

[golfmonkey]

I'm not sure how to help, but that sounds horrible for you, I'm sorry. Clearly if he is well behaved around other people you are doing a good job. Does he go to a childminder/nursery? Are you a single parent and if not is he the same with his other parent? Wonder if because you give him the most care he acts up around you as he knows you love him unconditionally and will always be there for him. Doubt it makes it any easier to handle though

[golfmonkey]

Ps my daughter age 2y8m often tells me to go away but does it with all her primary caregivers - her dad, and grandparents who have her 2 days a week. It's not consistent though. She's not like that in nursery but it's a different environment there.

[LapinR0se]

So the people around you give in to that behaviour??

[Sunnydaysrock]

Of course he likes you, but it sounds like he's been given to much control and been allowed to get away with the behaviour. It's not nice for you and think you should be more consistent with the discipline and make sure the other family around are on the same page as you..as Super nanny would say!

[Tilapia]

I'm not surprised you're upset, OP. I'd be very sad about this too. I'm sure it's just a phase though.

[MummyWuks]

Thank you for all the replies.
Yes, it just happened again as another friend left. Friend's mum reacted by fussing over him and saying he was upset, he then smiled and said he wanted her. After she left it immediately started again. Most people will treat it as a tantrum. My mum will tell him off for doing it but he still goes to her. My daughter now knows it's not nice and copies it less but still is quite influenced. He was a very unsettled baby and from a young age would stop screaming if approached by strangers in street stopping the pram. He only likes me cuddling him if unwell if not he squirms and screams off my lap. Thank you for the empathetic words I appreciate it a lot.

[MummyWuks]

Forgot to write that he is in nursery 3 days which he loves, everyone says he's the most confident child there and all the other parents report they adore him as he's so cuddly and chatty. I am a single parent.

[LapinR0se]

I think you need to tell other people not to give him attention and affection when he is behaving like that. It is totally reinforcing what he is doing.
So if he is shouting he doesn't want you and nestling up to granny she should say, No I don't like how you just spoke to your mum and I will not cuddle you unless you apologise to her.
Also he doesn't get a choice who puts his coat on or brushes his teeth or fixes his breakfast. That's not his decision.

[MummyWuks]

My mum tries to do that, but no one else does. They are so happy he likes them they don't seem to mind how he is with me. I have explained before it reinforces the behaviour but people act like it's unimportant. Today we had an hour long tantrum as he didn't have the programme he wanted on tv - I'm not allowed to have anything on that he doesn't like watching or he will scream at top volume. Then mum comes in "enough telly now" - and it's pretty much "ok nanny" or babysitter and he is completely fine!

[LapinR0se]

Let him scream. You are allowed to do whatever you like. I know it's horrible, really and truly I do as I have an almost-3 year old who tests boundaries all day long.
But you are the one in charge

[Silverthorn]

My ds went through a phase a bit like this with his dad (dh). He would only want me to do everything not daddy. We worked through it by me being the one to tell him it was not nice to say that to daddy, etc. You need to get grandma and frienda on board on sending him back to you and exclaiming how mean he is being and then trying not to get too involved in escalating it. Let him have a tantrum on the floor about it while everyone ignores until he lets you put his coat on.
Also, my ds would refuse to hold my hand while walking in the street. This is a safety issue so it was either hold my hand or he goes in the buggy or has baby reins on.
Sounds really disheartening. Try to bear in mind they don't really understand what they are saying.