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Parenting

Feeling excluded by proxy

2 replies

Magnoliahaze · 24/06/2017 12:05

I'm sure I just need to get a grip, chin up and get on with things but feeling oretty crap just now for my son. He's an amazingly empathic, funny, energetic, sporty, artistic, loyal, handsome almost 10 year old kid who struggles with learning at school (dyslexia and possible ADD). He has a tendency to be drawn to the naughtier boys in class and at clubs although doesn't cause trouble himself. He does hang out with these boys as well as the more mainstream behaved kids. We moved to a very middle class small town a couple of years ago, my husband and I both have professional jobs and do what we can to pitch in with local activities our kids are involved in. We embrace all members of our community and have had kids from both sides of the track round for plays. The trouble now is that there are loads of special turning 10 parties and my adorable son is not getting invited to these big bashes. A mum that I have made friends with, whose son is very similar to mine in his friendship choices, although she doesn't encourage the naughty boy friendships by refusing play dates, has suggested that my son is being excluded from these parties because he's associated with the naughty boys- WTF. I mean these are 9-10 year old predominantly middle class kids, they're not delinquents getting into trouble with the police. Some of the parties my son has been excluded from are for boys he considers to be good friends, he's been to play dates with them and they've been to ours for plays and parties, the mum's will stop and chat to me when we meet in passing. I'm not hugely socially confident in new situations or big groups and I'm generally a slow burner when it comes to people realising I'm actually quite nice and developing friendships as my default setting is why would anyone want to be my friend (I was bullied at school = low self esteem) My husband suggested that maybe our son was being excluded because people didn't like us? I don't know what to do- should I continue to encourage the naughty boy friendships or go all out with inviting the good kids round and invite their mums for coffee too? I even hate the language im using with good and bad!! I haven't been embraced by the naughty boys mum's either as there does seem to be a bit of a class divide going on. Feeling very confused and a bit lonely just now. All advice welcome.

OP posts:
EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 24/06/2017 20:18

Could it just be that they can invite limited numbers and your DS just isn't one of the few? Children can be very funny who they want at a party anyway, DD once claimed that she didn't want to invite her BF but instead wanted to invite a girl she had spent 3 years saying how awfully the girl behaved.

Do you want to fit in with people who wouldn't invite your son because he has a varied social group anyway?

Magnoliahaze · 24/06/2017 22:16

Thanks for the response pop music, I'd love to think that's what's going on but the reality is parents are socially engineering friendship groups for their kids and I have an issue with my son (and by proxy me) being socially engineered out of these groups, I'm talking big whole year group kinda parties here, not we can only invite 12 kids kinda parties. The sad think is I can see it having an effect on his confidence. So do I continue to embrace his friendship choices and accept that means social exclusion as parents fear these kids will be a bad influence or do I risk further damiging his mental health by discouraging these friendships in the hope he will be more accepted by the "good" kids parents because to be honest I'm also concerned that these kids are not a good influence but at least they are being there for him????? Ni one said parenting would be this hard!

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