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"Nights off" for mums

(19 Posts)
iMombie Fri 23-Jun-17 21:18:43

Hello fellow parents...
Just wondering if anyone else's OH 'lets' you go out for an evening or for nights away? I'm a SAHM I'm finding it increasing difficult to go out-out without being massively guilt tripped about doing so.
I have tried to encourage him to get a hobby or go out and see his friends more but he doesn't want to. He thinks I should stay in too, and want to stay in.
If we end up arguing about it, he pulls the "you're a bad mum" card. I've now been told I'm allowed out once a month. Is this normal, or am I being completely unreasonable?
Thanks in advance

user1471549213 Fri 23-Jun-17 21:31:23

Everybody deserves a night off or two if they feel like it! Your partner sounds very controlling. My partner goes to gigs and football matches on occasion and did a course in something he loved one night a week too. I have my evenings out with friends whenever I want them too. I'm currently on maternity leave & unpaid at the moment so it's not like we are loaded either. If money is the issue then I would set aside a little every week if possible to pay for it but just because he doesn't want to go out doesn't mean you shouldn't. I think, especially for stay at home parents, you need a break for your mental health! Last Friday I was going to lose my mind if I didn't get out of here. Went to friends for a glass of wine & a chat. It doesn't have to be expensive nights out either. Stick to your guns.

AssassinatedBeauty Fri 23-Jun-17 22:28:19

I wouldn't be with a man for very long if he told me what he "allowed" me to do. He's not in charge of your life. There is no reason that being a SAHM means you can't go out on your own to do hobbies or socialise.

Guilt tripping you and attempting to control how often you go out is abusive. I'm not sure I'd give him any more chances tbh, is not be convinced he could change his attitude.

RhubardGin Fri 23-Jun-17 22:33:44

Mums and dads need a break every now and then, together and separately.

He sounds very controlling OP. Is he like this in other areas of your relationship?

Does he go out without "asking for permission" or can he do what he likes?

Heirhelp Sat 24-Jun-17 09:17:02

He does sound controlling. My DH encourages me to go out. We don't get the opportunity to go out together due to a child who won't go down to sleep well and a complete lack of baby sitters.

How confident is he with the children? Does he ever do anything with them without you?

RoganJosh Sat 24-Jun-17 09:20:50

He says 'you're a bad mum' for going out in the evening? Are you out till 4am and unable to look after them the next day? Otherwise how does he justify that logic?

SailAwayWithMeHoney Sat 24-Jun-17 09:26:57

He sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive (guilt tripping, "letting" you go out, wanting to spend all your time together)

You're not being unreasonable at all, he very much is however.
Is he controlling in other aspects of your life too?

NerrSnerr Sat 24-Jun-17 09:27:08

She shouldn't be 'allowing' you out. That doesn't sound like an equal relationship to me.

luckiestgirl Sat 24-Jun-17 09:29:44

That sounds very controlling and unkind. My DH used to encourage me to get breaks. I would go to the cinema once a week and he would occasionally pay for me to go to a spa hotel with a friend when I needed a proper break.

m0therofdragons Sat 24-Jun-17 09:34:34

I ask dh more to confirm it's convenient rather than get his permission iyswim. I definitely go out probably once a month but occasionally more - last weekend I ended up out two nights in a row. Dh knows I'm very social but he isn't so it works well. As far as being a bad mum goes, I think it's healthy for my dc to see me having a social life and good friendships and that I'm not just mum. I haven't stayed away overnight yet but plan to this year as dc are older. Dh is currently at Glastonbury although he's working. He'll also spend time enjoying his sport. It's about balance and being equals.

Frazzled2207 Sat 24-Jun-17 09:42:47

He sounds horrid.
Generally speaking we both do a hobby regularly one night per week each. And there's never been any problem about going out on other nights as long as we let the other know asap.

GoodyGoodyGumdrops Sat 24-Jun-17 10:06:19

My goodness! My dh was practically pushing me out the front door, saying "Go. You know you'll enjoy it."

Of course you're entitled - not 'allowed' - to go out. My dh also seems fairly fulfilled by a tiny social circle. I'm not. We need different things. He is also entitled to parent without you. He is also obliged to do some of the parenting without you.

This is about controlling you. Not supporting you. Not nice.

Neverknowing Sat 24-Jun-17 10:17:31

He's a dick.
Looking after your child IS a job except you don't get to come home in the evenings and stop working. Surely he's a bad dad if he can't look after his child for a couple of hours.
Just for perspective I go to the gym three times a week and my DP looks after our daughter. He also looks after our daughter when I want to go out, I just don't take the piss. Tbh once a month sounds like a good amount if you mean properly going out Ie for hours on end, getting drunk etc. But if you mean taking a couple of hours for yourself to go for coffee then he's an arse, he's also going about jt in the complete wrong way. He's putting you down to get what he wants.

gamerwidow Sat 24-Jun-17 11:13:01

My DH doesn't 'allow' me to do anything. If I want to go out and it doesn't conflict with something we've planned to do together then I go. I normally just tell him I'm going out on X to do Y and he'll do the same if he wants to go out (which he rarely does)

PinkHeart5911 Sat 24-Jun-17 11:19:59

Dh doesn't 'let' me I just tell him I am going out on x night, I even go out more than once a month.

If you want to go out more than once a month, you should be allowed to do so. Who is he to say you are only 'allowed' to go out once a month? What is his reason for this? If his siting at home anyway why can't he care for his own child? Honestly I would tell him to fuck off with his once a month rule!

I could not be in a relationship with somebody that guilt trips me everytime I want to go out and them leave to care for there own children.
Going out when you have children is nothing to feel guilty for, being forced to stay home when you want to go out will drive you insane

iMombie Sat 24-Jun-17 13:26:57

Wow...Thank you so much for your responses, it's comforting to know I'm not the one being completely unreasonable.
I go out one night a week to play netball, but he has a gym in the outbuilding so he doesn't leave the house for that but he's works out once a day for at least an hour. He does talk to me before he goes out with his friends, but it's rarely he does go out.
He says the time I spend at toddler groups is socialising with friends. It's not quite the same has getting dressed up and going out for a meal though!
I'm not a big drinker so never been too hungover the next day, normally struggle with lack of sleep and sore dancing feet that's all!
Just hate feeling like this then the guilt on top of that is just a bit much sometimes. Thanks for your time smile

Marmite27 Sat 24-Jun-17 13:32:08

Goodness me that's hard. My DD is nearly 2 and I generally have one night out a month, however I swim twice a week and do a boot camp and park run once a week with out her.

Sometimes it's after bedtime, sometimes DH is left with her awake. He encourages it, so I get head space like he does. He also swims, gyms and cycles and roughly has a night out every month. So pretty even for us.

AssassinatedBeauty Sat 24-Jun-17 14:36:12

He's an idiot for thinking that toddler groups are socializing for you! I take it he's never been to one in sole charge of the children. It's not like you can relax!

NapQueen Sat 24-Jun-17 14:39:07

I know of a dad who calls his wife a bad mum when they all go swimming and she takes herself off for a lap or two "*in the same effing pool he is in with ther dd*. I just couldnt be in that sort of relationship.

Theres no "letting" in our house. We run stuff past one another (me- you out on fri eve? Dh - no. Me - ok am gonna go out with the girls. Done).

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