Son won't see me!

[nicky1969]

I split with my ex 5 years ago. We have 3 boys, now aged 16, 13 and 10.
My ex took the split particularly badly and became a very nasty abusive 'victim'!! He has, from day one bad mouthed to the kids, to the point I have had no contact with my eldest for the last two years since our matrimonial home was sold. (I had to take him to court to force the sale). Ex told my son I didn't love him(son) and was after all the money etc...

I am now losing my 13 year old. I understand from my 10 year old, that Ex continues to bitch about me and apparently, my 13 year goes back to Dad and tells him if he's argued or upset me whilst at mine. Since the split we have had 50/50 co parenting with the youngest two on a week on /off basis.
Last year my 13 year old 'decided' he only wanted to come to me every other weekend. Obviously I was devastated and went to court to stop this, but the judge decided my 13 year old could choose what he wanted!!!!!! The fact that since the change, he was hanging out every night and his attendance at school had gone from 98% to 86% didn't factor into it..

Anyway..... last weekend he was so rude, disrespectful and argumentative that I turned off his playstation as punishment. He just phoned his dad who picked him up within half hour and he was gone a day early. He has now text to say he won't come at all this time, which is the second time over the past couple of months. As we have been to court and have a document to say he should come, where do I stand??

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

The reality is that teenagers always rebel against their parents and if it's easier for them not to see you then that's their choice. You can't force them.

If they're being lazy and refusing to come I'd maybe scale back the visits to suit them.

Hopefully when your kids are older they will realise all that you have done for them.

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Been there op. .
Advice would be to take a step back.
Exh actually told my 3x ds I was a prostitute!!
1 ds stopped contact as df was letting him run wild. Home schooled after expulsion. Drugs /fights. A year later he lives full time with me. Nc with df. Model child back at school - just done gcse's. And ds 2 followed 6 months later. Again nc with df and fab at school and at home. 1 ds to go now!!
Karma is true op. Be patient.
I occasionally had text them to reinforce i still loved them but no pressure about visiting. No gifts for Xmas which was hard but wasnt going to be seen trying to buy them or being a mug for handing over hard earned cash for such blatant lack of respect. It paid off. . We have the best relationship ever now. . For my mh I had to choose the route I did. I had ptsd after the divorce and couldn't take anymore of his actions. He has paid the price for how he treated me and the boys.

[stilllearnin]

In my experience (which has been pretty awful), it will come and go. My 16 year old is much better now and is very even about being involved with me. My 13 yr old is very confused and sometimes wants me and sometimes makes up awful stuff as a reason to reject me. I bumped into a friend recently who had been through similar and both her kids are with her now. She says you have to be patient, they do know that you love them and have been a good parent despite what they feel compelled to portray to your ex.

i don't know about the legal side at all but I do have tips about the utterly gruelling situation of parenting from afar and the rejection, if it would help?

[stilllearnin]

Absolutely justmade it is very very tough, but you have to keep your faith in them and yourself.

I feel so much for you OP. We are in the same boat

[nicky1969]

Thanks guys, people tell me things will change, but knowing you have been through the exact thing gives me hope. I do still text my eldest every couple of weeks and tell him I love and miss him but never anything back.

Justmade. Your story is what I also dread, eldest is a good quiet lad, but 13y is a different kettle of fish!! So glad you got your kids back and back on the right track. Xx

[stilllearnin]

I'm working today. But keep going nicky I will post later

[stilllearnin]

Ok these are the things I do to parent from enforced sidelines. You're not quite in this position though. And really if you let ds flex his wings a bit it could blow over.

Anyway, I think about what parenting is and what my child needs. My ds needs conversation and dd needs boundaries. I do as much positive parenting as I can even if they won't see me. Stuff like being in touch with their school, bringing clothes or any kit you know they need (uniform etc), I bring them both food as ex doesn't cook and they have dietary requirements, keep in touch with positive adults in their life (family, friends) people that can dilute poisonous messages from your ex without causing conflict- who will naturally add balance.

Also I write a journal to dd. I haven't shown her this but one day that might be appropriate. The idea is that she can reject me but I can show her that I thought about her all the time. It is painful though.

That sums it up really. Never lose sight of the fact that you are their mum. Demonstrate this as often and is as many ways as you can. My counsellor says they are in a fog and you have to shine like a beacon that you are still there. (If none of that made sense feel free to ignore )

[stilllearnin]

Also you have to endure. It is tough and will get better and worse in turns. Keep faith in yourself and them. You will endure but it's worth thinking about what supports you. You need to be in one piece when the dust settles.

[stilllearnin]

I see justmade did a different tack with no xmas presents. Basically, it's the old thing that you need to know your kids and how they react. You do know them so trust yourself. Good luck

[Paddymam84]

I know this is old but I’m going through this now. Any tips gratefully received

[Paddymam84]

Hi - how did this work out? I’m going through this with my 14 year old son my only child. Haven’t seen him in a month after a lovely holiday and lots of presents etc. it’s like he’s turned against me. Very vindictive critical and controlling father who has facilitated this but I can’t prove it. 💔😭 any help appreciated I feel like I’ve lost him.

[Nicky19692]

Hi Paddymam
im so sorry, I know what your going through. Unfortunately I have no good news to tell you as far as my circumstances. It’s now been more than 6 years and I’ve still had no contact with my two eldest boys and about 4 years since I saw my youngest.
The boys are now 17, 19 and 23. I have been to court, when middle one was 12, but judge said he could live where he chose, even though his attendance at school was poor when with his father. When my youngest changed, almost overnight and very similar to your son, I spoke to social services about my exs controlling behaviour and my concerns, they were no help. Basically you can’t force a child to see a parent if they don’t want to. They have all blocked me on Facebook and messenger etc changed phone numbers so all I can do is send Xmas and birthday cards, and ask them to get in touch.
i pray your son sees sense soon, especially as he hasn’t got any siblings to encourage him otherwise. ❤️

[stilldumdedumming]

Hi @Paddymam84 I'm sorry you're going through this. I was on this thread back then.

My relationship is brilliant with ds. He was 16 then and 23 now. We speak every day and we are great together. It's left its mark but we rarely speak about it and he knows the whole situation was complicated.

Dd who was 13 back then got worse before it got better. But we are definitely getting there. She's much more likely to turn to me than anyone else.

It was very tough though. I did have supportive parents/ grandparents and that helped. Also I never stepped back. I was told that if they step away you step forward- and there are lots of ways to do that but you might have to rethink what the parent relationship looks like.

It's not perfect but it's a lot better. Unrecognisable actually. As you can see, it's not guaranteed but you have to try.