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Son won't see me!

(10 Posts)
nicky1969 Thu 15-Jun-17 21:46:17

I split with my ex 5 years ago. We have 3 boys, now aged 16, 13 and 10.
My ex took the split particularly badly and became a very nasty abusive 'victim'!! He has, from day one bad mouthed to the kids, to the point I have had no contact with my eldest for the last two years since our matrimonial home was sold. (I had to take him to court to force the sale). Ex told my son I didn't love him(son) and was after all the money etc...

I am now losing my 13 year old. I understand from my 10 year old, that Ex continues to bitch about me and apparently, my 13 year goes back to Dad and tells him if he's argued or upset me whilst at mine. Since the split we have had 50/50 co parenting with the youngest two on a week on /off basis.
Last year my 13 year old 'decided' he only wanted to come to me every other weekend. Obviously I was devastated and went to court to stop this, but the judge decided my 13 year old could choose what he wanted!!!!!! The fact that since the change, he was hanging out every night and his attendance at school had gone from 98% to 86% didn't factor into it..

Anyway..... last weekend he was so rude, disrespectful and argumentative that I turned off his playstation as punishment. He just phoned his dad who picked him up within half hour and he was gone a day early. He has now text to say he won't come at all this time, which is the second time over the past couple of months. As we have been to court and have a document to say he should come, where do I stand??

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Thu 15-Jun-17 23:51:40

The reality is that teenagers always rebel against their parents and if it's easier for them not to see you then that's their choice. You can't force them.

If they're being lazy and refusing to come I'd maybe scale back the visits to suit them.

Hopefully when your kids are older they will realise all that you have done for them.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 15-Jun-17 23:57:59

Been there op. .
Advice would be to take a step back.
Exh actually told my 3x ds I was a prostitute!!
1 ds stopped contact as df was letting him run wild. Home schooled after expulsion. Drugs /fights. A year later he lives full time with me. Nc with df. Model child back at school - just done gcse's. And ds 2 followed 6 months later. Again nc with df and fab at school and at home. 1 ds to go now!!
Karma is true op. Be patient.
I occasionally had text them to reinforce i still loved them but no pressure about visiting. No gifts for Xmas which was hard but wasnt going to be seen trying to buy them or being a mug for handing over hard earned cash for such blatant lack of respect. It paid off. . We have the best relationship ever now. . For my mh I had to choose the route I did. I had ptsd after the divorce and couldn't take anymore of his actions. He has paid the price for how he treated me and the boys.

stilllearnin Fri 16-Jun-17 00:00:41

In my experience (which has been pretty awful), it will come and go. My 16 year old is much better now and is very even about being involved with me. My 13 yr old is very confused and sometimes wants me and sometimes makes up awful stuff as a reason to reject me. I bumped into a friend recently who had been through similar and both her kids are with her now. She says you have to be patient, they do know that you love them and have been a good parent despite what they feel compelled to portray to your ex.

i don't know about the legal side at all but I do have tips about the utterly gruelling situation of parenting from afar and the rejection, if it would help?

stilllearnin Fri 16-Jun-17 00:03:29

Absolutely justmade it is very very tough, but you have to keep your faith in them and yourself.

I feel so much for you OP. We are in the same boat

nicky1969 Fri 16-Jun-17 07:19:24

Thanks guys, people tell me things will change, but knowing you have been through the exact thing gives me hope. I do still text my eldest every couple of weeks and tell him I love and miss him but never anything back.

Justmade. Your story is what I also dread, eldest is a good quiet lad, but 13y is a different kettle of fish!! So glad you got your kids back and back on the right track. Xx

stilllearnin Fri 16-Jun-17 08:37:08

I'm working today. But keep going nicky I will post later flowers

stilllearnin Fri 16-Jun-17 19:44:19

Ok these are the things I do to parent from enforced sidelines. You're not quite in this position though. And really if you let ds flex his wings a bit it could blow over.

Anyway, I think about what parenting is and what my child needs. My ds needs conversation and dd needs boundaries. I do as much positive parenting as I can even if they won't see me. Stuff like being in touch with their school, bringing clothes or any kit you know they need (uniform etc), I bring them both food as ex doesn't cook and they have dietary requirements, keep in touch with positive adults in their life (family, friends) people that can dilute poisonous messages from your ex without causing conflict- who will naturally add balance.

Also I write a journal to dd. I haven't shown her this but one day that might be appropriate. The idea is that she can reject me but I can show her that I thought about her all the time. It is painful though.

That sums it up really. Never lose sight of the fact that you are their mum. Demonstrate this as often and is as many ways as you can. My counsellor says they are in a fog and you have to shine like a beacon that you are still there. (If none of that made sense feel free to ignore grin )

stilllearnin Fri 16-Jun-17 19:46:44

Also you have to endure. It is tough and will get better and worse in turns. Keep faith in yourself and them. You will endure but it's worth thinking about what supports you. You need to be in one piece when the dust settles.

stilllearnin Fri 16-Jun-17 19:51:09

I see justmade did a different tack with no xmas presents. Basically, it's the old thing that you need to know your kids and how they react. You do know them so trust yourself. Good luck

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