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Help? Men!!!

(14 Posts)
user1489875480 Sun 04-Jun-17 12:00:59

I just have this feeling I don't love my husband anymore. The main reason why is that I don the feel he puts me first. Before our son came along, he played golf every weekend. I started to get lonely and quite sad. At the time, I had counselling through my GP it was that bad but I put it down to work stresses and failiure to conceive. Just thought it was a period of low mood.

I fell pregnant the year later and was delighted. I thought my husband would give up golf and we would be this perfect family loving weekends together. Of course my Facebook feed is full of those type of posts - couples with their families enjoying times out, couples enjoying date nights etc. The baby came a month early. I haemorrhaged and had an emergency section after being taken to hospital in an ambulance. It was extremely swift! No time to pack my bag etc.

After a few nights in hospital, I came home with a tiny 4lb+ baby. The first Saturday, my husband went off to play golf all day. This continued. As I'd had a section, I couldn't drive so was more or less housebound as my family and the majority of my friends live in a different county. I had visitor after visitor. Although I was delighted to see my loved ones, I was in a lot of pain and was doing too much hosting everyone.

Anyway, that all passed and our baby has flourished. He's in a brilliant routine and I'd say he's an easy baby. He's now nearly one so he's trying to walk and climb up everything!

I'm still secretly feeling really down about my marriage. I just feel my husband plays golf every single weekend. Last weekend I had my first ever night off childcare. I've had one day off! Understandably, I'm feeling tired!

It's not ideal but I'm pregnant again - only about 9 weeks. My hormones are crazy and I'm very tired. I feel my husband and I argue frequently. We never do anything as a couple but he does things with golf. Next weekend he's going to a luxury hotel. He never asked, I just saw it on the calendar in the kitchen.

I thought, being pregnant, that I should listen to my body. I came to my parents for a long weekend to get some help with childcare and some time off the chores. Not once in 3 nights has my husband text or called to ask if I'm ok. He's asked about our son but that's it.

I just feel like shouting "What about me?" I'm feeling very low. Not sure if it's depression. I basically feel that my ideal day to chill out would be to be in a hotel room somewhere without my phone and just sleep.

I feel I can't leave him. I don't want my children brought up in a broken family but I'm secretly down every day.

We sleep in separate rooms, never go out just us, have very little in common and argue. Just don't know what to do.

Oh, and since knowing I was pregnant, I asked him to give up golf just for 3 months after tea baby is born. He said he'd okay less but wouldn't give it up. Says it all really.....

AssassinatedBeauty Sun 04-Jun-17 12:16:15

I'm sorry, from what you've written he barely interacts with you and doesn't seem interested at all. No wonder you're feeling lonely and down! If he's your husband he's supposed to love you, and to work in partnership with you. That's not happening. I think you'd be happier without him and you'd stand a chance of meeting someone who actually loves you!

I have a family member who had a husband like yours. She had 4 kids eventually that he had very little involvement in, never stopped the golf etc. When the youngest was 18 he left her, divorced and got together with a younger version of her. I felt like she'd wasted all that time waiting for him to change, and then he binned her anyway. Don't end up in that position!

GrubbyWindows Sun 04-Jun-17 12:36:19

Oh that is hard!! I think you know you could cope alone- because you do!! He needs to either shape up massively or shop out! Coming from a "broken home " is better than coming from a home with that sort of role model.
Being pregnant is tough at the best of times. You don't need this.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 04-Jun-17 14:45:47

It sounds like your husband is having an affair. Has this crossed your mind?

user1489875480 Sun 04-Jun-17 15:08:38

I have wondered that but I don't think so.although I wouldn't know if he is on the golf course or not.
Just feel sh*t! Now back from my parents and I can't think of anything to say to him.

AssassinatedBeauty Sun 04-Jun-17 15:13:56

He has already checked out of the relationship whether or not he is having an affair. You don't have any emotional closeness or support, or any practical support. He pretty much provides the money and little else. He does what he wants when he wants without consulting you. Are you happy to continue on with such a minimal "relationship"?

user1489875480 Sun 04-Jun-17 15:17:50

That's exactly what I think. It's sad to say but I'm not sure what I gain apart from a few hours childcare in the evenings if he's back from work and financial security. I'm the main breadwinner (just) but not when I'm on maternity pay.

GrubbyWindows Sun 04-Jun-17 15:36:13

Christ, if you are the main breadwinner too, there is just no question, kick him out!!! He can't behave like this! (Or show your son that this is an acceptable way to behave)

overmydeadbody Sun 04-Jun-17 15:47:09

If you stay with him your children will be living in a broken home. What you have now is a broken home. You can fix it by leaving him.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 04-Jun-17 16:20:07

The current environment you're living in will do FAR more damage than if you leave him. There is no debate about this.

chloechloe Sun 04-Jun-17 20:50:40

Sorry you find yourself in this position.

I remember you making a similar post a few months back and it seems that nothing has improved, with the added complication of being pregnant again.

I think you really need to give him an ultimatum to step up his game, assuming you think you can / want to get the relationship back on track. I am 5 months in to having two children with a similar age gap and it's hard even with a supportive partner. Having said that it seems that you're doing everything, you're pretty much a single parent anyway. Don't place too much emphasis on providing your children with a traditional family set up. If you're just together for the sake of it, it will be obvious to the kids. They need to see positive examples of parents who pull together as a team and love and support each other. I know now is not an easy time when you're in the first trimester and hormonal and emotional but I think you need to be giving a lot of thought whether to stay in this relationship. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

user1489875480 Sun 03-Dec-17 23:48:20

Hi again. I'm posting again. I've just read through my old threads dating back from March when I first posted and then this one in May.

Sadly, I'm now considering separation as I've just been brushing things under the carpet relationship wise.

At my 12 week scan in July I discovered I had had a silent miscarriage. I took the pill option and was severely ill - in A&E and then hospital. This all happened the week I returned to work after mat leave. I was devastated but to be honest I thought it was not meant to be. The pregnancy hadn't felt right. I felt as if I was the only one excited.

Thankfully I'd had counselling lined up as I'd been feeling low again for a few moths. I had CBT. I didn't really have counselling for the miscarriage, I just had to be strong. I felt really alone but the CBT was fantastic for me.

Fast forward 6 months and I'm still feeling the same in my marriage.

So....what do you actually do to separate? How do I know it's definitely over and does anyone have any advice? Xxx

Magda72 Mon 04-Dec-17 19:54:37

Hi OP - so sorry for all you've been through.
I'm not in the uk so I've no legal advice but practically I would just say to you to contact a solicitor and take advice on how best to leave him as you'll want to protect any joint investments or assets.
Good luck - it really does sound like leaving him is the best thing to do - you deserve so much better.flowers

InDubiousBattle Mon 04-Dec-17 21:02:46

Op, you might get more advice if this was moved to the Relationship board? Just report your post and ask MNHQ to move it for you. Sorry about your loss and the situation with your husband. He won't change and you deserve better.

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