How do you deal with being dumped by a friendship group at 35?(16 Posts)
I am trying really hard not to sound and behave like a 4yo, but here goes anyway! Where to start? I have 3 children (5,4,2). I made friends with a group of mums, through our pre school daughters (4). One of which I was there for through a lot. She relied on me for childcare, ear to listen, social life for her and her daughter for quite a while. She had problems with her husband, job etc. None of this was a problem. I counted it as a solid friendship and was happy to be there for her whenever.
We formed part of a group, another mum of which is a long standing friend, who I still have a lot of contact with. I still spend a lot of time with her, she just avoids telling me complete truths because she knows it'd upset me. There were a couple of other mums, all of us with daughters in the same class who I thought got on well socially with and without our daughters.
Anyway, I seem to have been frozen out. They're not rude to me, I just don't hear from them, or get told half truths about meet ups, parties, gatherings etc. E.g. They just happen to all have booked tickets for the same thing on the same day, or a party is only family, but then the photos appear on Facebook and it all looks so blatantly obvious that it wasn't.
I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to behave like a 4yo, but I'm hurt. It's not that I don't have other friends, but I valued their friendships and now they're gone. There's the added issue that my daughter is also not being involved, but I do recognise that this is my hurt. She's oblivious to the extra curricula's, so isn't upset by it.
Do I just admit that it's gone? Do I try to ask questions? How do I do this without ostracising myself further? At the minute we can all play the 'oh wasn't that coincidental!' card at pickup, but as soon as I make this obvious I won't be able to. I'm aware that I must have done something to irritate the one I was initially very good friends with, but I don't think she'd discuss the real reasons. There'd be a list of (relatively) plausible excuses/reasons. Help me please, I'm trying to stay rational, but struggling majorly! 😔
What do you mean about not telling you things?
It's not going to change it if you say anything and it's not going to make you feel any better, just shit. I suspect It's not you get frozen out and more that one gets invited then another and it's just thoughtlessness,
why don't you organise something and invite them? Do you invite them places, try to organise stuff?
Unfollow them all on FB. I had a similar situation and the only thing that saved my sanity was not seeing them all have a jolly time on FB without me.
You could ask whoever you are closest to if there is something you (or one of your children) has done that has changed things. You may or may not get an honest answer.
In the end though you may need to move on and make new friends elsewhere. It's bloody hard though.
That sort of development seems to be incredibly common in groups of friends - it is almost as if that's how groups work! Are there any in the group who you particularly like - and could try suggesting to arrange to meet one to one? There's the long-standing friend I know, who you still see, but just wondering if any others.
The more I read mn, and also observe rl, the more i think that one to one friendships rather than groups are simpler!
Thank you for your responses!
Stealth: I've broached the subject with my oldest friend before, she sees my other friend a lot (play dates etc) but I never get invited. It's not a massive issue because I often see her on a different day with our youngest 2. Other friend is at work and daughter in pre school that day, so she couldn't come. So when the other two get together it's not so strange to not be invited. Although I would like to be, but it seems to be very under the radar! Anyway, when I brought it up oldest friend played dumb, didn't think there was an issue, wouldn't be drawn on the matter. I let her know how much the whole situation upset me, but then I had to drop it. The things she doesn't tell the whole truth about: she's going somewhere just with her kids, but then it transpires that they went together; they're not doing anything one evening, but actually they all had a party! She doesn't actually lie, she just doesn't go into any details. As I said, I think this is because she wants to be friends with us both and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but I also think that if she's keeping visits separate then she must have some idea why, because this time last year we always did everything like this all together. I have made invites myself, but there's always been a plausible reason to decline. I'm no shrinking violet, I just don't know how to tackle it, but our daughters will be in the same class for the next 7 years, so I want to avoid awkwardness if at all possible.
I17: maybe I need to try with one of the others, but I think that she'd be another peacekeeper who'd try to play dumb. I agree, groups of friends rarely work, but all the others seem to be having such a good time together and I feel so left out! The more I write, the more I realise I've probably just got to give up, but I'm just so stewed up and irritated by it. 😤
This so very frustrating as it seems that one person has disrupted your entire friendship group. Seems unfair as you're not given a chance to defend yourself as you've no idea what the issue is.
I would outright ask your friend. Stick to facts and don't let her shy away from it. Ask her who has the issue so you can try reach out to them?
I see sorry. Wasn't sure if you meant in a protective way.
How frustrating but I think you'll need to abandon the group
I mean ask the friend who you suspect has the issue x
NSEA not sure I'm brave enough too! I'm sure she'll just make me feel like it's all my fault/doing/in my head. But yes, that is exactly what I should do!!
Stealth: it is sort of protective, if I don't know then it can't hurt me.
"This so very frustrating as it seems that one person has disrupted your entire friendship group."
Sadly that seems to be not uncommon in groups, I fear.
Peppa I wasn't in fact thinking of asking a group member if there's a problem -more that you continue to be friends on a one to one basis. I wouldn't ask anyone what the problem is - ime (from mn threads mainly!) people don't tend to give an honest answer and the person who asks just end up feeling worse. It does sound as though the group itself is a bit of a dead loss - I would ditch!
Well I've taken the bull by the horns and asked my long term friend what's going on, very directly. I still think she'll probably say it's all in my head, but maybe, if it is, and she knows how I feel, then she may attempt to bridge the gap a bit more. Fingers crossed for an outcome one way or the other! I agree completely with what you've all said though. Many thanks
I think you should be prepared to be ignored though and don't let it upset you.
I've seen this too I was in a large group which split when two of the women fell out. It's ok now but it's not the same as it was.
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