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Regret baby and hate my life

(45 Posts)
Throwawaycat Tue 23-May-17 14:23:18

I'm 18 and my LO is 5months, my partner is 19.

I do everything, clean the flat, look after the baby, cook for him and me. You name it I do it. The flat HAS to be clean so I'm constantly cleaning, cooking or looking after LO. I get no rest or alone time.
If I want a bath I put LO in the pram or car seat and he comes in the bathroom with me, my partner won't watch him. I hardly bathe, most of the time I just clean my hair in the sink.

I hardly sleep 3-4 hours at most, LO won't nap unless he's on me or moving. My partner does none of the night feeds or night waking and screams at me if LO wakes him up. He doesn't work, or try looking but complains about being out of work and feeling like a slob, he sits about all day playing games. We have hardly any money and I'm constantly borrowing off family but that won't stop him from buying 80 odd games.

If LO cries at all I get yelled at, it's my fault if he cries. My partner sleeps until 11 sometimes later, he sleeps on the couch so most of my day is spent with LO and me in the bedroom.

Me and him don't have sex anymore, I'm to tired but when we do I regret it after. He constantly bugs me for sex, he doesn't seem to care at all that I'm tired. On top of being tired I have chronic painful health conditions, I'm constantly in pain and the lack of sleep is making me worse.

I hate this, I wanted to go to uni and study to be a doctor but now my partner says I'm 'not allowed to' because of my health. I'm not allowed to work either so studying would be a waste of time, least that's what he says.

I've talked to him and he changes but then goes back to normal, he does fuck all to help (our families won't help either) and nothing for me or LO. I hate this and strongly regret LO, but I do love LO.

I'm considering either adopting LO out to a better family or leaving my partner. I don't know what to do, where to even begin...

Introvertedbuthappy Tue 23-May-17 14:26:07

Please leave your 'partner'. He's a useless waste of space and it sounds like your life would be much better without him.

Fairylea Tue 23-May-17 14:28:07

You need to leave your partner and go and see your gp. I suspect a lot of your feeling about your baby is because your partner is so utterly awful and useless but you may also have pnd.

I am 37 now and my dd is now 14 but I felt exactly the same way as you when she was a baby- and I had the useless partner too. I left him when she was 6 months old. It was hard but leaving him was the best thing I ever did. When I left I realised I could bond with dd properly without the added pressure of worrying about him. I went on to get a job and eventually remarried and now have a 5 year old son too.

You have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it with someone who is a waste of space. You deserve better.

Do you have anyone you could stay with initially? How is your relationship with your parents?

JassyRadlett Tue 23-May-17 14:29:35

Oh sweetheart, you sound so downtrodden.

Your partner is an abusive twat, and from your post I can't see any part of your life that wouldn't be better if he weren't there.

Whose name is your flat in? That's the first step in disentangling yourself from him - sort out where you can live. Women's Aid can provide huge help and support.

keepondreaming Tue 23-May-17 14:29:57

You need to get away from your partner. Take yourself and your baby and get far away. Far far away! Neither of you deserve this.

Do you have family you can go to?
If you were my daughter, I'd hate to think of you in this situation.

Wolfiefan Tue 23-May-17 14:30:12

You don't have a partner.
You have a useless, controlling sex pest.
Can you stay with family? This is not a healthy situation

lizzieoak Tue 23-May-17 14:31:54

Start with leaving your partner and see what supports are available in your community. Do you know any friends w babies? When I had a totally unsupportive partner I found free community baby groups a help. I could sit down and baby could crawl about with other babies and I could have a wee chat with other parents.

Once you've left him then see how you're feeling about LO. It is doubly hard taking care of a baby when there's someone who could help but just sits there. I found life w kids vastly easier on my own.

AssassinatedBeauty Tue 23-May-17 14:34:52

Your "partner" is no such thing, he's an abusive controlling twat. Who is he to tell you what you're "allowed" to do, and pestering you for sex is vile and abusive.

He is just as much responsible for your DS as you are - he's doing nothing for your DS and unfairly blaming you when things aren't how he'd like. Your situation would be less stressful if he wasn't there. I think the best option for you would be to leave him and start again on your own.

Throwawaycat Tue 23-May-17 14:35:37

I have no family of my own, I'm pretty much completely alone. I was disowned a few years back and I lived with my grandma for a short time but she wanted me gone so I lived in with a previous boyfriend, I eventually left him and moved in with my current partner. No one in my family wants me or LO, they won't even see us.
The flat is in both of our names, I don't even know how I'd manage to leave and I'm pretty sure my partner would want LO and take me to court to get him.

MoominFlaps Tue 23-May-17 14:38:23

Your partner is abusive. Please call women's aid for your sake and your baby's flowers

MoominFlaps Tue 23-May-17 14:38:51

And he would not get custody of your baby so please don't worry about that.

tellitlikeitispls Tue 23-May-17 14:39:12

my partner would want LO and take me to court to get him no darling, he wouldn't. He'd probably threaten you with that, but he's not interested in your LO now. He certainly wouldn't be interested in having him on his own full time.

JassyRadlett Tue 23-May-17 14:40:18

Women's Aid can help you to sort this out and give you advice on how to leave, financial support etc.

It is worth documenting the abuse and his total lack of involvement with the baby with WA, your GP, Health Visitor, etc. It will help if he later takes you to court for access, and it will help you access the support you need.

BigGrannyPants Tue 23-May-17 14:45:23

Leave him, he is abusing you. Phone women's aid and speak to your GP/HV about possible PND. Please don't put up with this, there is help out there for you. You are not trapped. You might even be entitled to financial help for going to uni. Your OH is an arse and he is using what little money you have for computer games. Look after yourself and your baby flowers

5BlueHydrangea Tue 23-May-17 14:45:31

I agree with the others. Your partner is not helping in any way. You may well be better off without him. Or.. Could you work and let him look after baby? Some councils you can get free childcare for 2 year olds to help you work so it may be worth looking into for when he is 2.
You sound browbeaten. Lack of sleep makes everything seem worse. Does your DP give a reason why he's not trying to get work? Is he on JSA? Are they not chasing him to get work??

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 23-May-17 14:49:16

Of course you should leave your partner. He is not doing one single thing to make you or your LOs life better. It will be hard but you CAN do this. It is far, far better to be on your one than to be with a lazy abusive twat.

He will say he wants to keep LO because that's a way of controlling you - but he doesn't. And if he tries to, he won't get him or her because you are the caregiver.

What you need to do is get back up. Start with your HEalth visitor, she should be able to point you in the direction of the right services. Check what you are entitled to, in terms of benefits. Woman's Aid or the council in terms of your rights. Then get him kicked into touch. You absolutely can and will go to uni too - it might take a couple of years but you'll get there.

Meantime, try not to have sex with him - and if you do please, please, please make sure you're using contraception that you control.

Cutesbabasmummy Tue 23-May-17 14:49:52

Do you have any friends you could stay with on a short term basis? I'm guessing if neither of you is working you are in social housing? If so talk to the housing office about your situation and see if they can help you to get your own accommodation. Your partner is not going to get any better so get out now. If you wanted to be a doctor don't give up on your dream. There are universities that have creches etc. Please don't stay with this awful man.

Throwawaycat Tue 23-May-17 14:51:02

DP won't go on job seekers, he bitches if I even suggest it.
Up until now we've been living off my PIP money but because I can't get to my appointments it's been stopped and we're getting nothing until July we'll then be getting universal credit. Until then we get £80 a month in child benefit money.

I honestly didn't think he was abusive, just a dick but looks like I'm wrong. I think next argument I'll state that I'm leaving with LO, in the meantime I'll look for places. No point me just starting an arguement.

Throwawaycat Tue 23-May-17 14:52:44

Oh also he's on the birth certificate so he has some rights to LO....

Firenight Tue 23-May-17 14:54:33

Don't wait for an argument. Talk to
Women's aid and CAB and get tracks laid to leave.

Neverknowing Tue 23-May-17 14:57:56

you really need to leave your partner op. He's abusive and he's spending your money which you could be using to better your life with your DC. I would suggest seeing a GP but imagine you will feel much better when you have money to spend on you and your DC because then you can go out to baby groups and meet friends etc. Having a baby is hard but it's easier when you can break it up with coffee with friends!
Also, my DD got a lot easier when she got to six months, they tend to sleep through the night then and you can get stuff done without being screamed at!! PM me if you like ? I had my DD at 19 and it's so overwhelming but it honestly gets better.

Redhead17 Tue 23-May-17 15:00:19

They threaten with court and taking the child but it's just to keep you there.

Things are hard now but they get better, woman's aid and Donestic violence helpline are amazing. Did you get on with your GP? My GP was my lifeline, I can't even express how much of an amazing person he is. Do you have a health visitor or some other mums at you see at the clinic? That you could some support from.

pottered Tue 23-May-17 15:02:05

some rights isn't the same as he'd get full custody. Your DP sounds like a total pig, he's not supporting you he's dragging you down further. Does your HV know how little support you have? You should see the HV, GP and woman's aid to let them know what's going on.

I'm sorry your family haven't helped you, you need better support, having a baby is a very hard thing to do on your own, and harder still if you have an unsupportive partner.

ProfPlumInTheLibrary Tue 23-May-17 15:02:31

I want to echo the others who said you should call women's aid. Really do. I'm sorry life is so hard for you right now. flowers

MoominFlaps Tue 23-May-17 15:06:55

You don't need to have an argument. Speak to women's aid, they will help you through the practicalities and help you make a safe plan to leave - that's key.

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