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Dh job takes priority over mine

(22 Posts)
mahadams2 Thu 18-May-17 14:45:48

Can anyone please advise me? My DH has been in the same job for the last 10 years and has worked to get where he is. We have two children DS is 8 & DD is 5 so both in full time education. I have had evening jobs and weekend Work over the years to make sure someone was always home with children whilst DH was at Work. We have limited friends and family around us, all of whom also Work. I am now qualified in my still and looking for Work, i have even gone down the 'working in a school' route to be home in the holidays with the children. The trouble im having is whenever my children are sick, its always me who has to stay home with them. Im still on my probation period in my new job so im worried this will affect them giving me a permenant contract. I have asked DH to have a turn and his reply is 'but im already at work' (he starts at 6 & of course i Work around the school times to get the kids there) does anyone else have the same? This seems to be normal with people i know but just doesnt feel fair.

WipsGlitter Thu 18-May-17 14:55:06

It's really hard. I moulded my job round DHs for years - later starts, part time etc. Now the roles are reversed and he's finding it hard to see he needs to mould round my job because it's (a) better paid and (b) permanent. He took a contract recently and I've ended up taking leave and working from home because he gave no thought to the impact the contract would have on the kids routine.

Sorry no help whatsoever but it's really been pissing me off recently!!

mustiwearabra Thu 18-May-17 15:01:45

Ah god OP I know how hard this is. Ultimately, one or both have to compromise in some way. I know that's not the answer you want and I wish it wasn't the answer I had to give. My OH has a job like this. He's in a position where, unless there was a horrific emergency, he couldn't even take so much as a half day. I ended up starting my own business (just) which, to be honest, is perfect for me but also allows me to pick up the pieces at home. It's a lot of pressure on both of us but it is what it is. I'm gathering that this sort of arrangement wouldn't be applicable to your profession and that you need to be out the home so I've been all but useless to you. I understand the pressure and frustration though, very much. flowers

mahadams2 Thu 18-May-17 16:14:29

Thank you, mustiwearabra and Wipsglitter. Yeah its cousin the same frustration here! DH is the higher paid out of the two of us but this isnt helped by the fact im never somewhere long enough to move up the pay Scale. If there could just be more support in the probation period, id be more successful at moving up the ladder so it feels like a catch 22. I just dont want to start resenting him for this and it cause more problems than needed.

mustiwearabra Thu 18-May-17 16:34:37

Are you able to afford any help at all? Even part time or a flexible arrangement? Also with your OH, I think it's very important that he appreciates what you do and the sacrifices you make that allow him to be where he is professionally. I was getting sick of being taken advantage of, unintentionally, and ever since then he thanks me a lot for making lunches, dinners, organising appointments etc. It's a small thing but it really makes a difference.

Westray Thu 18-May-17 16:48:22

Self employed.

The only real answer.

MrsEmilyPollifax Thu 18-May-17 16:53:21

Your DH is a tool. You've made huge sacrifices so that he can do his job. Your pension will reflect your sacrifices. An equal relationship where both partners contributions are recognised and valued requires both parents to engage in childcare. There are some jobs where taking a day for a sick child is difficult (surgeons). Most jobs are not like this.

If your husband doesn't value your contributions to the health and success of your family, then he doesn't respect you. You deserve better.

SafeToCross Thu 18-May-17 16:53:31

Suggestions - could he be the nominated person to cover the 'second day sick' for either child, so once you know they can't go back the next day, he arranges to stay home tomorrow. Could he be the one who does any medical appointments, or at least 50:50, that are in the school day. Also, you might need to go to important meetings outside school hours sometimes, so if so could he cover you then (possibly arranging to do some work from home in the evening). He needs to start respecting your work and get into the mode of joint parenting.

mahadams2 Thu 18-May-17 16:58:10

No when you take my hours into account, it wont be worth It plus theres not alot of options where we are, especially with my boy being 8 now. Yeah the trouble is, he is great in all other areas, so i worry im making a a bigger deal needed when he is so hands on. This is really the only area he is not so supportive in & thats why its so frustrating also lol i just want to earn extra for the family so we can do more. He thinks this isnt neccessary as he earns a good wage but he also doesnt do the budget! I feel like im letting people down all the time & its horrible, i booked a day off to volunteer & help out a friend, my son was ill so i had to cancel, my friend blanked me and i lost a days pay. If i hadnt booked it off i could of called in sick and been paid so i wish people would see its not an easy option for me either, i still had to take my dd to school so its not like i just couldnt be bothered.

mahadams2 Thu 18-May-17 17:01:24

Yes this is what iv suggested, if we take turns then no one is carrying it all on their own & its shared. Im glad im not the only one who feels the same! Thats a very good point & i will be mentioning my lack of pension! Thank you for all replies, all helps!!

Westray Thu 18-May-17 17:03:11

I actually found it very liberating to have the time and freedom to explore other ways of earning.
OH bore a big burden to be the main breadwinner for many years, without that I wouldn't have been able to become self employed.

43percentburnt Thu 18-May-17 17:03:56

I know two couples, one of each couple is a teacher the other works full time too.

In couple a the teacher runs herself ragged, getting the kids to school, picking up, doing homework, housework and dinner and organising holidays etc. Her dh thinks she has it easy as she gets 13 weeks off a year, plus she only works until 4! So he relaxes at the weekend.

In couple b, the teacher says he has it tough, working In the classroom all day, very stressful job,needs to relax in the holidays, not care for kids. His wife does all the child related tasks. Golfs at the weekend to wind down.

Sadly I think women get the short straw regardless of occupation/stress/hours etc. It's something I have tried to make my teenage girl aware of. I think men make their roles sound stressful and say it is impossible to leave during the day. (I have always worked in male dominated industries - some men definitely leave to sort out poorly kids, others I'm sure spin their wives a yarn).

If your husbands occupation is a senior position it is easier to get time off/work from home/ make up time at weekend etc.

Hoppinggreen Thu 18-May-17 17:08:15

The bulk of our childcare falls to me but I'm ok with it. DH would happily take a day off of needed but as we are both self employed contractors and his dayrate is double mine it just doesn't make sense.
Plus he leaves at 6 so by the time we found out someone was too ill for school he probably would have gone.
However, it sound alike in your case your DH just thinks it's your responsibility and that's not on

ShotsFired Thu 18-May-17 17:16:37

mahadams2 he is great in all other areas, so i worry im making a a bigger deal needed when he is so hands on

Except when it comes to preparing for the school runs (both ends of the day), school appointments/letters/admin, sickness, health/dental appointments and other days out of school, not to mention pre-
and after-school weekday childcare. Oh and the budgeting which you say you also do, so presumably that means the wider household finances fall into your lap too?

So are you saying he does all the housework, shopping, laundry, cleaning and cooking then? And made up your lost day's wage and (ongoing) pension contributions?

Or does 'hands on' just mean the fun activities at weekends in that kind of "bonus points for lifting a finger" way a lot of dads seem to get when it comes to simply looking after their own children)?

mustiwearabra Thu 18-May-17 18:03:33

May I ask what industry he works in, even vaguely? I understand if you don't want to say. Like 43percentburnt mentions, there are jobs that they really can leave for the day. It's a pain in the backside and will lead to more work or catching up the next day or at night but there's someone who can stand in for them for a tiny amount of time. Then there are roles in industries where it's almost impossible for someone to get away, other than for absolute emergencies.

mahadams2 Thu 18-May-17 22:02:09

Thank you for all your comments! Have spoken to DH and he is going to take turns like suggested before. All your comments helped so thank you.

mustiwearabra Thu 18-May-17 22:20:51

Glad to hear smile

AnneElliott Thu 18-May-17 22:24:12

It is a man thing I find. H was like this for years when he was the higher earner. Now I out earn him apparently it's all different and needs to be shared fairlyhmm

mahadams2 Fri 19-May-17 14:30:59

Haha typical isnt it! Yeah it really helped having points he couldnt argue with like my lack of pension etc. Thanks again for everyones comments, really helped!!

JustMumNowNotMe Fri 19-May-17 14:40:45

Both me abd DH work full time, we have 2 children- 10, 2 and 5 months. When one is ill, whoever has the least on at work is the one who stays home. DH probably does 75% of itas his job is more flexible. Its never just assumed one or the other will do it.

JustMumNowNotMe Fri 19-May-17 14:41:18

3 children not 2, fat fingers!

Gillian1980 Fri 19-May-17 14:47:12

We both work, me p/t and him f/t.
His job is more management and harder for others to step in when he's off.

If dd is poorly on a day we're both working then we look at diaries together and see which job would be impacted on less that day, in terms of meetings etc.
If they are similar then we take turns.

If she needs collecting from nursery it's whoever is nearer as we both travel a lot throughout the day.

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