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Question?? Which parent does the majority of the "parenting"; ????

(18 Posts)
Tequilamockingbirdturd Thu 11-May-17 17:03:22

So which parent does the majority of the "get up, get ready, do homework, come for tea, come off Xbox, pick up washing" you know the unpopular bad cop stuff, if it's you? How does this make you feel?? Do you resent your partner?

NSEA Thu 11-May-17 17:08:32

Me. If I want our children to learn respect and manners I will teach them to behave as I see fit. If my husband fails to do these things I don't even notice.

Parenting is not a competition nor a competition towards equality parenting. You both raising the children the best you can. Why resent your children mother/father for not parenting 50% of the time.

The only problem I would foresee is if ny husband encouraged lazy parenting

FATEdestiny Thu 11-May-17 17:14:10

It's a fairly equal split for parenting when DH is home from work. I think that is fairly unavoidable with multiple children (we have 4), since we often deal with 2 (or whatever) children each - like I'll take the oldest two to swimming while you do bedtime with the youngest. I'll take the boys to football while you take the youngest with you to take the oldest to Guides.

I am a SAHM though, so in actual fact I do much more parenting, it is my "day job", as it were. That's just because I am physically here to parent more if of the time. When DH is home from work though, it's quite evenly split.

Youvegotafriendinme Thu 11-May-17 19:13:02

DS is only 5.5months old but it's me. I do it ALL. Some times I want to shout at him and tell him to help me but then I know I'd just be watching him to make sure he is doing it right and that's not fair. We are very open with each other so he knows how I feel so no resentment. He is brilliant with him and DS loves his dad smile

KERALA1 Thu 11-May-17 19:15:18

www.huffingtonpost.com/m-blazoned/the-default-parent_b_6031128.html

This blogger nails it

ecuse Thu 11-May-17 19:18:57

I think both of us equally when we're all there, but I work long FT hours and my DH is a SAHD so I guess more of him.

We have a lighthearted schtick about whose turn it is to be bad cop, to the extent that our 6yo is all 'oh mum, stop being bad cop today', grin

Eolian Thu 11-May-17 19:19:27

I do it more, simply because I'm here more as I work part time. Dh does it as much as me when he's not at work. If anything, the dc probably see him the slightly bad cop though, because he's a bit less diplomatic and patient than me.

phoenixtherabbit Thu 11-May-17 19:25:44

Me. I have a ds (1) and ss (12).

It doesn't make me resent my partner as such but sometimes it makes me resent myself as I feel like I'm nagging at ss all the time.

But I want them both to have manners, behave well, and not be a total nightmare for whoever they chose to live with when they are adults yes I'm looking at you MIL.

Dp is much more relaxed than me and very 'kids will be kids' - yes kids will be kids but I'd much rather they were well behaved ones even if it does make me the bad cop.

He does tell off or whatever if need be with ss, ds is a bit small yet.

phoenixtherabbit Thu 11-May-17 19:26:49

Oh and I do most of the feeding changing bathing whatever else with ds, and enforcing of homework etc with ss. Mainly because I work part time and dp doesn't. When I go back full time it will likely be more equal

Tequilamockingbirdturd Thu 18-May-17 00:28:12

Kerala yes that link really does nail it smile

BandeauSally Thu 18-May-17 00:46:34

Me. No-one else lives here to do it.

QuackDuckQuack Thu 18-May-17 00:47:35

That's really interesting - I have described myself as the default parent, but haven't seen this article before.

I work fewer hours, but that is likely to change. I can't see that I will stop being the default parent.

I've signed DH up for school emails and texts to see if it is possible to share the thinking about parenting and remembering things. It actually turns out to be a bit irritating as he phones me to ask if I've sent DD into school with the right kit or have paid for the trip she's going on that day. I can't rely on him to keep track of stuff and get it done on time, but he thinks that reminding me after the event might be useful. He wouldn't even think to write a card for a teacher at the end of the year, so it's not just about remembering the things that are asked for by school, clubs etc.

To be fair to DH he does all of the washing and quite a lot of domestic stuff, which blurs into parenting. I'd rather keep the more interesting parenting than do more washing.

I also don't really see the point in both thinking about the same stuff.

DarthMaiden Thu 18-May-17 00:51:53

Tbh I'd say it's 60/40 in my house.

DH being the 60%.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to blushat this revelation...

corythatwas Thu 18-May-17 07:58:43

Dh and I both did it but I got better results. Had worked as a teacher and had lots of experience with younger siblings so I suppose I sounded more authoritative. Also dd who had severe anxiety used to have violent meltdowns and have to be restrained, and I am more physically fearless than dh.

When it wasn't about enforcing your will but about things like parents evenings and organisation dh was good. Also about practical things like bathing them and cleaning up sick. He s just less evil than I am.

TwatteryFlowers Thu 18-May-17 08:33:30

We do it together. I'm the one who does the school related stuff - homework, reading, sorting book bags, school admin etc because I'm a teacher and I understand it more.

We both do the morning and bedtime shifts and encouraging them to do their share of the house work (age appropriate of course). If that was left to me I know I would resent it. I already feel like I'm stuck in a rut of endless cleaning, washing, hoovering etc and that's when I only do half of it. Doing all that and him being away with just the fun stuff should tip me over the edge.

clarabellski Thu 18-May-17 09:21:01

Roughly 50/50 on childrearing here, we both work full time

NataliaOsipova Thu 18-May-17 09:25:06

Definitely me. But I'm a SAHM, so that's my "job", I suppose. No resentment though; DH is fantastic with them and we are pretty complementary in a lot of ways, so I think it works well.

AceholeRimmer Thu 18-May-17 13:30:42

Me as I'm the SAHM, but he definitely helps while he is here. We both do discipline and the fun stuff. I do all the thinking and organising.

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