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13 year old daughter being bullied do i move her schools

(18 Posts)
Lennie70 Tue 09-May-17 23:18:28

Going through a lot of difficulties with 13 year old daughter. She is academically doing well, in clubs, sports etc at current school. She is a confident person and generally happy outside of school. She started secondary went alone and many of her primary friends went to another school, she chose to go alone to a school which she got into with a better results and facilities and generally a much more sought after school. Started off brilliantly, lots of fun, new friends, outings with whole new group of girls. Couldn't of been better Suddenly group of boys in year group became part of group and singled my daughter out and were mean to her, really mean, bullying tactics started, constant and still going on, names every time see her in school corridor, bus stop. We found out she was self harming, very lonely. She had bravely left this big popular group of girls because boys on the scene and girls didn't stand up for her. She made friends with another group (not a popular one) and tried hard to make things work, nice girls but not her scene really. Whole time boys are being mean to her, every time they see her anywhere, shouting at her at bus stop, its really got out of hand. Daughter has been having this now for a whole year and only getting whole picture. She is begging for us not to tell teachers as she will be known as a grass and it would be much much worse. Kids don't tell as school highlights it and she gets a reputation as a Snake. She has decided only and best option we should move her to an alternative school, one where many of her primary friends are. They have all moved on though and are all in different groups, she is friends sort of still with a few. Younger Sibling is also at current school and thriving in all areas. This will be a massive impact on whole family as different holidays, different catchment areas and younger sibling worships older one, loves being at same school as her, younger daughter very sporty and alternative school not at all good at pastoral sports. These boys have caused my 13 year old to self harm, slash her arms due to how much pain they have caused her. Has stopped now, but scars are there. Taken a very long time to get whole story out of her. Do we move her or can it turn around?

DeanKoontz Tue 09-May-17 23:21:44

Speak to the school.

Astro55 Tue 09-May-17 23:29:37

Are they class mates? Can she move forms?

How will they be split for GCSEs next year

Whub haven they taken a dislike to your DD?

Not liking your reference to the 'popular' crowd - they are usually the horrid self centered children who have to be centre stage and spend all their time arguing pointlessly

The non 'popular' not her thing group - really?? They are probably kinder and more considerate human beings -

gettinfedduppathis Wed 10-May-17 00:08:52

You really need to report this to the school - and tell them of your dd's concerns that she's scared of being seen as a 'grass' and telling tales, and then being picked on even more. That's how bullies get away with it, by making their victim too scared to say anything. It is part and parcel of the bullying. Your poor dd. The school has to sort this issue out.

Moving her is a last resort. When I was a teenager, a boy suddenly appeared at our school mid-year. Everything was fine for a week or two, and then somebody found out that he'd moved from his previous school because he'd been bullied there. That was all the cue that the the bullying types at my school needed. They made his life a misery.

wobblywonderwoman Wed 10-May-17 00:42:47

I would 100percent move her and your younger daughter.
Go to sports outside of school flowers

user1486956786 Wed 10-May-17 07:36:53

What sort of boys are they? I mean, are they the type who's parents would be furious at their sons if they found out? If so, I strongly recommend you encourage her to tell the school/let you tell the school as may scare the boys into stopping?

I don't think moving schools will necessarily make things better, same thing could happen there. It's not easy changing schools, there will be formed friendships there too.

Does she have group of friends in the sports?

I do think it will get better. It can take first few years at secondary school for friendships to really form and you start mingling with other classes etc. the boys will sadly move onto someone new.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Wed 10-May-17 08:15:57

What gettin says.

Lennie70 Wed 10-May-17 08:47:19

Problem is these boys don't do anything on paper on phone. The other girls are not supporting her enough, only a couple. People who she thought were her friends haven't stood by her, they have laughed at the boys comments to her. It happens in corridors and at the bus stop "Why don't you have any friends?" Really uncomfortable situation for her. Sports clubs girls are a friends but again not standing up for her, only 1-2 people have actually stood with her. A lot of them don't join in but do giggle along, Boys obviously enjoy the attention. My daughter has been dealing with this for a whole year (heartbroken) She is beautiful, talented and academic but this is destroying her life

chocolateisnecessary Wed 10-May-17 08:50:10

Go see the head. Then assess on that meeting. If not happy, move her.

Lennie70 Wed 10-May-17 13:12:23

She won't share with us names of boys or ring leaders and without this can't contact parents. I don't know any parents very well as my daughter went to this school alone. Not got the primary school connections. If I go and see the head they will call her in she thinks will definitely make it worse and she will have the name Snake. This is worse than anything in her eyes. Ideally I would like boys removed from school and separated to stop doing it to others as they are a horrible group. Without real evidence schools don't do anything about it, called low something bullying but can be the most harmful. Its happening to her daily, every time they see her she gets some sort of comment. I am so angry and devastated for her. Head teacher is great and have a lot of respect but they have a process which requires evidence too.

waterrat Wed 10-May-17 14:23:45

If it was me I would move my daughter immediately. As an adult you would not stay in a environment where you were treated like that - your daughter needs your help to escape it.

I don't see why it's even in question - either you report fully to school or you decide that isn't what you want and you remove her. You can't let this go on.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Wed 10-May-17 14:24:48

Isn't your daughters word and reactions evidence enough?

nancy75 Wed 10-May-17 14:28:59

I would move her. I was bullied at school and wish my parents had moved me. I hate to say it but once a child becomes a target there is very little the school can actually do - they can come down hard on the name calling but they can't make people be nice or be friends with your daughter. Often when parents get involved the child being bullied is ostracized by the other kids, the name calling stops but being on your own is just as bad

SirVixofVixHall Wed 10-May-17 14:32:35

My dd was bullied at school last year and the start of this one. We talked to the school, initially they just gave the bully a minor ticking off and it briefly subsided, only to resurface. Eventually the bully did something that made my red mist descend and I telephoned the school , very angry. This time they officially labelled it bullying and were very clear with the bully that she would be put into a separate learning environment if it carried on, they also told the girl's parents. It stopped right away. My dd was also worried about the repercussions of telling the school, but that is how bullies get so powerful. Please do talk to the school, see the head, see the head of year, tell them what has been happening. In our case the school really did manage to resolve it, and dd is much happier. If this is a good school for your dds don't throw that away without giving the school a chance to tackle this.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Wed 10-May-17 14:52:12

Also OP, I'd ask MNHQ to move this to the Secondary education board. You might get a few more posts smile

barrygetamoveonplease Wed 10-May-17 14:55:01

As I said last time, you might need to move her. Get her a fresh start.
There are so many in the group involved, it is going to be hard for staff to manage this.

butterfly198615 Wed 10-May-17 17:19:18

I would listen to your daughter and ask her deep down what she wants to do ? Move school or stay.

I know it's hard when she doesn't want you to go into the school because she thinks she will be called a grass but this has gone too far to the fact she has been self harming.
I would of been in that school like a rocket had Id known she's been being bullied and how it is affecting her mental health.

So you have options , If your daughter wants to change schools, change schools. If she isn't sure then you should go in and tell the head what's going on and tell them you will take matters further if it isn't sorted out, If after you have been in school the bullying has persisted then take her out of the school all together.

Been in this situation with my son and moving his school even if it was in a different area was one of the best things I have done. I couldn't see him suffer anymore. And this was after I'd been in school numerous times. It took a while for my son to trust other kids because of what has happened but now he's happy and my child's happiness is my main priority , It's all that matters.

Lennie70 Mon 05-Jun-17 00:29:33

Thanks for all the advice, I have a meeting with Head teacher this week and hopefully some action will start.

I am terrified of moving my dd to another school where a lot of her old primary friends go and it doesn't work out (they have moved on even though she is keeping the friendships up with a few). Also other school is in special measures and current school is grade 1. tought one, siblings to consider, its bloody hard. Paid for a big schoo trip already for her to go with curent school next year which cost over £1,2K and can't afford to do this again. I know other school will offer trip and she won't be able to go with old primary friends. Still completely hole in my stomach about what to do. Move her and doesn't work out is will be even worse.

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