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Struggling to trust baby with men

(16 Posts)
Cherryj86 Tue 25-Apr-17 17:17:29

Hi. I'm new to mums net so not sure where to post this.
I'm 30 and a first time my to a beautiful baby girl. She's 9 months old now and I've returned to work 5 weeks ago.

My issue is men.. this is so strange I know it is but I'm struggling to trust anyone apart from her dad.

I'm afraid they will hurt her sexually or abuse her. I've never been abused so I'm not sure where my fear comes from. I trust her dad completely with her but not my father or my 3 brothers. I know it's completely irrational but I'm terrified of it.
My partner's father is off work on sick at the moment and has said he will have her for 2 hours before her nan finishes work and I've been finding excuses but I'm running out of them.

I don't trust any man... My family, my husband's family... none apart from her dad. I don't even trust my dad and I don't know why as I know he's noy like that I'm just not willing to risk it.

Has anyone got any ideas why this is or goig through something similar?

Thanks :-)

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 25-Apr-17 17:20:57

Seeing as you know it is irrational, can you just force yourself to leave DD with her grandfather?

TheElephantofSurprise Tue 25-Apr-17 17:22:23

You are quite right. A lot of people will be along later to say you are not.
But you are. Do what you believe is right for your child and don't be ashamed of that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 25-Apr-17 17:23:56

Btw, displaced anxiety is common. You could be anxious about something else, e.g. standard guilt about return to work, you block it but it comes out in weird ways that mess with your ability to be at work, i.e. ruling out lots of potential child carers.

newtlover Tue 25-Apr-17 17:29:30

I think you need to speak to someone about this.
It's getting in the way of you leading your life. You're in danger of passing on this irrational fear to your dd. How were you emotionally after your dd was born?

honeycheeerios Tue 25-Apr-17 17:30:49

Sorry but that is ridiculous. Not normal at all.

You have never been abused. No man in your family has ever done anything to make you not trust them. This is so irrational it's unbelievable.

No you should not just "do what is right for you and your child" as someone suggested. You should address your problems with a doctor and perhaps have therapy or something to try to put it right.

You will end up passing these irrational fears onto your daughter and irreversibly affecting yours and her relationships with men in your family and men in general. Not healthy.

I can not even begin to imagine how my dad or brother would feel if they found out they were not allowed to be alone with my daughter incase they abused her just my because they are men.

CuppaTeaTeddy Tue 25-Apr-17 17:35:05

It's normal to protect your children from any danger but I find this whole thing very strange. The men in your family have never hurt you, and you have no reason as to why they shouldn't be trusted around your little girl.

They're offering to be there for you and to help out while you've gone back to work and you can't accept it. You haven't got to let everyone look after her just because they've said they would, but they really haven't done anything wrong? If no one was there for you, you'd be moaning about everyone being distant.

I'm not tying to be horrible but this isn't normal. Maybe you should try talking to someone about this.

Ecureuil Tue 25-Apr-17 17:42:26

*You are quite right. A lot of people will be along later to say you are not.
But you are*

Do you not ever leave your child with male family members Elephant?

I think you need to speak to someone about your anxiety.

Batteriesallgone Tue 25-Apr-17 17:48:45

This sounds like displaced anxiety to me. How was the birth? Have you had any PND?

I've found that in the first few weeks after birth I didn't want blokes apart from DH around. Felt like babies and breastfeeding and all that was a female thing. Bit strange, I'm guessing a hormone thing. Maybe just insecurity around all those bodily fluids that might potentially escape with blokes around! It wore off once I'd physically recovered from the birth, stopped bleeding etc.

This doesn't sound like that though. It's worth trying to work out why you feel like this.

Ratatatouille Tue 25-Apr-17 17:56:44

HoneyCheerios someone opens up about dealing with anxiety and you call them ridiculous? Very helpful hmm

OP I think you need to speak to your GP. This could be down to any number of things like PND, anxiety, stress etc. Your GP will help you to access the right help. Given that you know this is irrational and you have no reason to believe that any of these men would hurt your DD, it's a matter of unravelling the issue and finding out where it stems from. Like one PP said, it could even be anxiety about returning to work just manifesting itself in a strange way. flowers for you. It can be a real rollercoaster having a baby.

Ratatatouille Tue 25-Apr-17 17:59:57

And by the way, lots of people struggle with anxiety after having a baby. OP is not alone and she's not some kind of weirdo. Ignorance is rife on MN when it comes to mental health issues.

Cherryj86 Tue 25-Apr-17 18:59:30

Thank you all for your posts. I really do appreciate everyone of them.
We are around men all yhe time and I never show how I'm feeling. I'm always very encouraging for my LO to go play with uncle, grandad, etc eye as long as I'm there.
I did suffer from PND but I thought I was over it. I had terrible serperation anxiety due to us nearly losing her with health issues and it's got better. I didn't even think of it being part of PND.
Thank you all again for your words. Im going to try and speak to my husband tonight and explain to him

user1487175389 Tue 25-Apr-17 19:07:56

You don't have to leave your child with anyone you're not comfortable with, male or female.

Gillian1980 Tue 25-Apr-17 19:26:44

I had pnd and alongside that a lot of anxiety and displaced anxiety. I kind of knew I had no reason to think what I was thinking and I didn't want to think that way but it was quite overwhelming and did affect choices I made.

I was referred for cbt, saw a therapist twice and was offered access to an online programme called Silvercloud. I was able to work through the cbt tasks as and when (I was working etc so I'd do it in bed at night, or on my lunch break etc).

I found it really helped me to unpick my anxieties and thought processes. It's not for everyone but I found it really helpful. Might be worth a try?

Ultimately, of course you don't have to leave your child with anyone if you're not comfortable. But if you feel unhappy with the way you're feeling then it's probably worth exploring that further rather than accepting it.

MrsDustyBusty Tue 25-Apr-17 19:56:51

I don't think it's so odd or uncommon to need women's company post birth. There are many traditional societies where women who have given birth are surrounded by other women for a time afterwards. It may be a primal urge for some women.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly Tue 25-Apr-17 20:00:38

I had PND and had intrusive thoughts like this OP. Go and speak to your GP. I had 6 weeks of counselling and it helped so much. I realised that the thoughts were part of my general anxiety and now when they come in I just let them ride over me and they don't stay and grow like they did. You won't feel like this forever.

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