My best friend's DD and my DD are the same age. (both 4.5)
For clarity, I'll call my best friend's DD Amy and my DD Bridget.
Amy is, how do I put this, an extremely belligerent child. Has form for pushing, spitting, but more generally is quite verbally aggressive, the sort of thing I'd expect from a much older child (eg 'You're not my friend and I don't even like you' out of the blue, not even in the context of an argument)
(I'm actually very fond of Amy btw, she has a really sweet side but is VERY difficult at times)
My own DD, Bridget, is a different kettle of fish in that she's got a hot temper when frustrated but tends to play well with other kids. Amy is pretty much the only child she has conflict with but by God it's big conflict when it happens!
For example, they were playing with each other at the weekend, just me supervising them in the house and trying to keep as much of a back seat as possible as (with other kids at least) my own DD is much better at negotiating/handling her emotions if I'm not there for her to appeal to.
I was keeping an ear out though as I know there is often trouble with them.
THey were playing with dolls and the conversation went something like this:
Bridget: Let's each have two dolls and they can all be princesses.
Amy: OK. But one of yorus has to be the maid.
Bridget: No, I want both mine to be princesses too. This one (grabbing a different doll) can be the maid
Amy: No, one of yours has to be the maid
Bridget: No, that's not fair! I want both mine to be princesses! That one can be the maid.
Amy: No, one of yours has to be the maid.
[at this point I run in because I can hear Bridget about to lose it]
Bridget: Mummy, she's saying one of mine has to be the maid!
Me: OK, well, look, why don't you both have two princesses because that seems fair and another one can be the maid if you want a maid...
Amy: No. I want her doll to be the maid. Her doll can't be a princess.
Bridget: [makes INCOHERENT RAGING SCREAM, RED FACE...]
Bridget ran off crying...
It was just exhausting and it's a frequent theme when they play. Amy won't compromise on ANYTHING and sets some genuinely unfair and arbitrary rule, Bridget (my DD loses it and ends up being the screamy shouty one in tears...)
Long example but I really need advice. I was brought up ALWAYS to give in to somebody else's desire, no matter HOW unfair/unreasonable, and it honestly left me a bit of a mess in later life (imagine that upbringing and attitude when you're a teenage girl encountering boys who want you to do things you don't want to do... it didn't stand me in good stead frankly. Plus I've often been utterly walked over in 'friendships' because of it. I do not want the same for my DD)
Honestly, not trying to think my child is a perfect angel (she's not) but frankly I think Amy's demand was completely unfair and I could really see why it frustrated my DD. There was no reason to insist that DD's doll had to be the maid, another doll was available for that, DD did suggest that pretty calmly at first, I honestly struggle to see why Amy refused (apart from the fact that she's 4. And we all know 4 year olds can be unreasonable and territorial. But they're also supposed to be slowly learning to compromise, play together etc and this is what always happens when Amy and Bridget play together.)
So my question really is: over a seemingly trivial matter, how can I begin to set DD down the right path of not feeling obliged to kow-tow to somebody else when the demand is unfair? What I told her on this occasion was that she MUST not scream like that, that was totally unacceptable especially when Amy was our guest, but that I understood why she had been frustrated. But I was then at a loss to know what else to say to help her when it (inevitably) happens again. Apart from keeping her temper in check (which she must learn how to do) what are good conflict-resoution techniques for small kids to begin to learn?
I do feel that she tried a bit of this with her suggestion that another doll could be brought in as the maid... but when that broke down in the face of Amy's refusal, what could a 4 year old do next that ISN'T screaming blue murder but also ISN'T just giving in?
It's a perpetual problem as my best friend is more like my sister and even if our girls aren't best pals themselves (which is fine) it would be nice if they could learn to get along. They're both strong personalitites, maybe they're just a bad combo. But it's highly illustrative of a real parenting issue that I feel badly-equipped to solve/navigate, and if there's one thing I want for my DD it's for her to be assertive (politely so) and not a pushover the way I've always been.
But I'm RUBBISH at it myself and feel I'll mess it up for her in the long term if I just tell her, for example, the way my own mum would have done, to let Amy force DD's doll to be the maid etc etc...
This was soooo long I'm really sorry. And I get that it sounds bizarrely trivial over 4 year old playing princesses. But it honestly is a long-term concern for me and I think it starts when they're this small.
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I'm rubbish at conflict/confrontation - need to help my DD be better at it than I am! Re issue with my best friend's DD
12 replies
JessiCake · 25/04/2017 10:40
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