Someone please help - Mother had a sadistic streak worried for my kids

[Court125A]

Hey Mummy's!! This is an odd sort of thread so if you're a really sensitive person it's best to stop reading.

My mum when I was little was quite odd on some occasions she used to pinch me when I was in trouble (she only smacked me once) she would just pinch me lightly and put me in my room.. she used to sort of enjoy when me and my brother would fight she just like our reactions I think? She used to be really impatient shut the doors in the car before our feet were in.. she bit my finger once gently but it really scared me. She used to threaten to take me to a girls house I really didn't like (I was being quite naughty though when she did it) she used to just tease me a lot to get a reaction.. she was also very sensitive and caring she couldn't do any type of fishing because she hated seeing them in pain.. if anyone was ever embarrassed or someone else was putting us down she was first to our defence. She just did things and seemed to laugh at reactions she used to put the gross stop and grow nail stuff on my dummy so much I was sick.. she then freaked out! (She wasn't trying to get me ill she just thought it was funny my reaction when I tasted it on the dummy but it was so gross I was sick) .. she was also 18 when she had us. I'm wondering if she's a narcassist or sociopath? She could NEVER be wrong but then later she would cry and feel really bad for what she did/being to inpatient to us and say sorry and she always used to seek therapy to try and help herself change.. im really sad for my mother as her father was so cruel to her as a child.. he was sadistic to a new level doing terrible things she was a terrified child.. so I guess I'm asking can my mum get help? She's worried she's sadistic and will get worse and I'm really scared as a new mum I also have this streak or develop it and it scares me a lot to the point where I want to give my child to my family for a while.

Please help - my mum also suffers badly from OCD and anxiety.

[RatOnnaStick]

Hello mummy's what?

[AlternativeTentacle]

We are not all mummies.

Oh and don't leave your child with your mother.

[Graceflorrick]

Your DM has obviously been damaged by her childhood and as a result you've been abused by her. It is sad, but it's your responsibility to act protectively towards your DC and not leave them alone with her unsupervised.

Your DM is an adult and could seek intervention and support if she should choose to.

[PopcornBits]

Oh god here we go.
You're gonna get flamed for using the word mummies.

I'm sorry if you feel like this. Some of those actions are slightly peculiar but it doesn't sound as though she did anything really terrible to you.
Her own childhood is probably why she is the way she is. And it sounds like the OCD and anxiety could be because she recognises those behaviours and patterns within herself that's why she sought treatment.
Most narcissist people don't seek treatment because they don't believe anything is wrong with them, so I don't think she is likely to be one.

[RicottaPancakes]

That sounds difficult. Of course you can both get help. Go and speak to your gp and take it from there.

[witchofzog]

Ffs. Only on here can a poster open her heart and get ridiculed by the first 2 replies.

Your mother sounds like she had complex mental health problems op. I think counselling might be a good idea to help you make sense of your childhood and mother's behaviour.

For now though I would suggest only allowing supervised contact for your dcs with your mother

[Court125A]

Thank you All! No nothing really terrible just little odd things, she hates herself for them but can't seem to understand her actions I guess I just wanted to know if in your opinion she could change with help

[Strangeswelling]

God, why do people post just to have a dig?
Do you feel big and clever ratonnastick? Is your self esteem built on your superior grammar skills?

[TheDowagerCuntess]

For God's sake - what sorry of complete arsehole comes onto a sensitive thread where someone is asking for help, and criticises their grammar and word choice?

OP - I can't personally advice, but the fact that you're so worried about it, means you're probably highly unlikely to go down this route yourself.

Some counselling would probably go a long way.

[witchofzog]

She could almost certainly benefit from counselling too op. Would she be open to this do you think?

[Postagestamppat]

I am sorry that she had to go through that with her father and you had go through similar with her. There is a huge difference though between you and her - you have an awareness and understanding of why she acted as she did. The very fact that you are posting about it shows that you are conscious of potential problems. I am sure you are and will be a fantastic mum .

[Court125A]

Yea she's very open to it! She said she was aware of her behaviour but felt so out of control of the inside it was hard to contain it (from her previous abuse and anxiety) she doesn't blame me at all which is nice. I saw this streak in my self when I was in primary school making younger girls cry etc and it's really scared me to believe I'm sociopathic!

Yea sorry that I used "mummies" I won't do it again haha! I feel sad for her as her dad still has an abusive control over her but yes I just fear for my mother hood badly that I'm severely depressed.

[vichill]

That behaviour is odd but I wouldn't say sadistic and more indicative of a stressed parent not coping. Could the stop and grow on a dummy thing have been a way to wean you off? Pretty crap but I have seen it advocated on MN to deter toddlers bfing. It sounds like your overriding memory of her is positive and loving? She had some crap parenting herself and was very young. I wouldn't over analyse too much.

[SnipSnipMrBurgess]

The posters who are picking in your words can fuck right off.

None of that sounds right OP and Ian sorry you went through it. My mam was similar to a lesser extent, making stuff up to get us into trouble, withholding affection, being almost triumphant and gleeful when we got into trouble.
It doesn't make for a close relationship with her now as adults. She was and is nasty and bitter and like your mum it stemmed form her childhood.

She can only change herself. Break the cycle.amd don't leave your kids alone with her

[Court125A]

Thank you^ yes the stop and grow was initially for me to get off the dummy but I would've never touched it again yet she kept saying "you can have it" then it had stop and grow and I would say yuck yuck and she would laugh. Anyway she feels terrible for it all and really wants help my main concern was my own mother hood and thank you for all the advice it was very helpful to see insight from other people :)

[sureitsgrand]

Some of the things you went through sound like old style parenting- stop n grow, and biting back a child to stop them biting? My mil has suggested both of these things to me, she's old fashioned but not abusive as such. It sounds like you and her have communicated hugely over what happened which is good. Your post to me slightly sounded like someone looking for reverse advice but I could be totally wrong. Either way, I hope you get some useful advice.

[Onehellofaride]

I absolutely think your DM could get help for it. The fact she acknowledges that she was wrong is the first step.

[Court125A]

No it was also a post to show her and get her some support because she is feeling like a pretty awful person! She bit me for no reason I had never bitten anyone or anything before..

[kali110]

Not yet a mummy op
Some of the things are not ok op, but it's good that your mom has recognised it and is getting help!
It's nice that you don't blame her.
I think what she went through has probably made her this way.
The fact she is getting help is probably so she isn't the same around your child.
I wouldn't worry about yourself op.
You already know it was wrong (even though you still love your mom) so i don't think you will necessarily do the same.

[AlternativeTentacle]

For God's sake - what sorry of complete arsehole comes onto a sensitive thread where someone is asking for help, and criticises their grammar and word choice?

Arseholes that want to point out that options made in the posts are based on the premise that not everyone on here is a mummy.

[LucieLucie]

Offs,given that this has been posted in 'parenting' thread and the site is called 'Mumsnet' I think we can allow the op a bit of slack!!

Op, my mother is/was also cruel and sadistic. Her father was the same.

Examples of her behaviour to us would be;

Burning the back of our hands with hot tea spoons after stirring a cuppa

Putting me in the bath while I was having a toddler meltdown and turning on the cold tap

Smacking us with slippers, dog lead, shoe on bare skin or her favourite was to do it while we were in the bath - wet skin made it much more painful

Humiliation in front of friends

'Accidentally' playing rough with us resulting in us being hurt. This is something I noticed her doing and watching her play with my son in the same way set alarm bells off.
She was never allowed to babysit him again until he was older.

We now have a very low contact relationship, she sees no wrong in how she was. If we mention any of her smacking behaviour she cries and acts like the victim.

If it helps, I have never ever had any desire to hurt or humiliate my child.

[corythatwas]

You sound like a really good person, OP, and just the right person to break this cycle of abuse. Don't take anything you did at school, as a small child as indicative of what you will be like as a parent: you didn't know any better then and now you do.

If you do feel there is an urge to react in ways you recognise from your mum, then you can always have a pre-prepared plan to distract yourself from the frustration or stress or whatever triggers those reactions. I used to go into the kitchen to put the kettle on or sing a lot when I felt an urge to shout at dc. If you have something planned in advance, that helps a lot. It's like people giving up smoking, helps if there is something active for their hands to do, like knitting or fiddling toys.

As for your mum, it sounds like she may well need counselling. Don't know much about how you access it, but others MNers may be able to advise. I would perhaps try to avoid risks by not letting her be alone with your dc: it won't help either of you if she does relapse into her old ways and it will be horrible for dc.

[herecomesthsun]

1. Your mum may have/ have had some coping skills issues/ emotional instability because of her own childhood. It is possible to mature out of this or to learn skills as an adult. www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/1572245131?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">This is a good book, probably available in your local library to have a look at. Maybe she is aware of the approaches available if she has been seeking out therapy.
   
2. She was very young when she had you, as you have pointed out, and had not had much time to mature anyway.
   
3. You certainly are not constrained to copy your mum, but if you feel that you have not had a good example of parenting, there are excellent books and courses available.

[flippinada]

This place sometimes... somebody posts for help and gets snotty comments about the language they use.

Court I'm really sorry to read about what you went through as a child. That was not OK. But also, don't feel you are somehow doomed to repeat your Mums horrible behaviour. That you are aware enough to be concerned about it is a good sign.

It's good your Mum wants to address her issues but be careful you don't get drawn into doing this for her. Counselling sounds like a good first step. I would also consider getting some for yourself to help you process what happened to you as a child.

Finally, with what you've described, I would be very careful to make sure you never leave your DC alone with her.

Best of luck to you.

[flippinada]

Sorry, that comes across blunted than I intended! I'm sure you will be a great Mum .