Aibu MIL vent

[user1488794856]

Just looking for opinions and to generally get some frustrations out of my system.

I have a 10 week old dd and am starting to feel upset that not many family members have built a real connection with her.

I have little contact with my family which has always been the case so this was to be expected, but during pregnancy mil seemed very happy and keen to be in dd life.

Since her birth however she has only seen her twice. All offers of "help" have amounted to nothing. She visited a week after dd was born, our house was a tip and me and dd were napping when she arrived, she sat amongst the chaos for over an hour and didn't so much as wash her own cup let alone take any pressure off the house.

She is only interested in holding dd to take pictures of them together and is very awkward with her. Doesn't try to soothe or comfort her, even when she is crying (but also doesn't give her back to me, just swings her around ignoring her needs and making her cry more)

When dd was clearly overtired she asked me if she was in pain?!

She made rude comments to me about dh messing up lunch plans (he didn't, she just misunderstood) and rolled her eyes saying "oh he's probably tired, with not empathy for the fact that we have a newborn and yes he is tired.

She never asks how we are actually doing, feeling, coping, just calls to burden dh with her own drama.

Dh and I have not had 1 second alone since the moment she was born. As mil is so awkward with her I'm not sure I would even feel comfortable with her having her alone.

I just feel so sad for dd, we had always intended on her being an only, but with such little effort from those I thought we could count on I now feel like she will need a sibling.

Aibu and expecting too much?

[arbrighton]

I can understand your feelings BUT

it's only been ten weeks, not ten years.... And if a child has two loving parents, any extra relatives are a plus.
Plus, sorry, you have a new baby, alone time with DH is on the back burner and rightly so

There are enough people who spend their time moaning that MIL won't leave them in peace.

DH has to manage how the calls with her go as his mother, that's not really the issue here.

[abbsisspartacus]

He can choose to not answer the phone or be busy next time she calls

[AssassinatedBeauty]

Perhaps your MIL finds small babies difficult, not everyone naturally is at ease with them. She may be much better with a toddler or older children, so I wouldn't judge her too harshly on how she's been so far.

I'm afraid that alone-time for you and your DH will be fairly scarce for a good while yet! I don't think it's reasonable to expect your MIL to facilitate this. You could always ask her to have the baby for a couple of hours, give her clear instructions (about how to comfort her etc) and see how she gets on.

I also don't think it's unreasonable for her not to have helped out when she came round. You or your DH could have asked her to do something specific if that would have helped.

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Please read lots of mn mil threads and count your blessings!!

[FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers]

I think this is a situation where she can't do right for doing wrong.

If she had cleaned your house whole you napped you may have taken offence. If she came round all the time you may not want her there. If she offered to babysit it may well be thrown back in her face.

She acknowledged that your dh was tired but you think that she didn't empathise enough. You knew your dd was tired but your MIL didn't know exactly why she was crying as she doesn't know her as well as you. Are you sure she doesn't ask how everyone is while on the phone to your dh? You also say she doesn't try to soothe or comfort your dd, but also that she swings her when she cries. She probably is trying to comfort her.

I think you're being a bit harsh on her tbh. In future why don't you ask if you need help, I'm sure she would like to be involved but maybe doesn't want to overstep.

The first few months with a newborn are tricky for everyone to manage though so you have my sympathies. You'll all get there though

[FaFoutis]

It sounds normal to me. There are a lot of crap and uninterested grandparents about.

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

If someone gave me a tiny baby to hold I would look and feel uncomfortable too, in fact I have pictures with newborns thrust into my arms and you can see how uncomfortable I look.

It sounds like your MIL is just giving you space, something most new mums are screaming for on MN.

[Heirhelp]

Time on your own with children! I don't think this happens very often unfortunately OP and definetly not with a new born. New borns need their Mum.

I agree that you sound a bit unreasonable but you are exhausted and hormonal so that is to be expected. Have you asked MIL for help?

My MIL is a bit of a useless Grandma but I think it is a bit early for you to call your MIL a useless Grandma.