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Heartbroken single mum

(32 Posts)
SashaSays Thu 13-Apr-17 02:55:16

Okay so sorry in advance this is going to be a long one. Bit of back up story, I'm a very young mother, 18 to be precise. When I fell pregnant with my now five month old, I wasn't in a relationship.. we were just having sex, I was on the pill but made me mistake of not using a condom so fell pregnant. To make it worse when I fell pregnant, my baby's father went 'away'. I don't want to go into detail but I'm sure you can guess, I found out I was pregnant a day later & let him know through a letter, he said to me he would be away for a while and personally he thinks it would be wrong to have an abortion, although if I did it was my choice and he wouldn't be upset with me. When I found out I was pregnant I was quite far along and initially I was going to get an abortion. I even made an appointment, I went to the consultation and they explained to me the procedure (suction). I was so frightened. I spoke to a councilor also and we weighed out everything, I kinda wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it or not. While I left there I was given a leaflet by some protesters outside, I read my baby already had a heartbeat,at that moment i couldn't go through with it. Understand I'm not saying abortion is wrong at all because I think you have to be very strong and brave to have one. I'm weak. I told my baby's dad he called me, he wasn't mad..he seemed okay about it all. He's 'away' for another couple of years. Yes I said years. While I was pregnant we decided to make a go of things, it sounds ridiculous but in my heart I was trying to do the best for my unborn child, we would speak everyday on the phone at night,text all day..I had a stressful pregnancy, he was there for me emotionally for those three months & I would say I feel in love with him. Deep in love. One day it all went wrong and he basically told me he had started talking to an ex girlfriend of 6 years and he wanted to be with her even though they had been broken up quite long. I was heartbroken, I ended up speaking to her on the phone, she told me she wouldn't get back with him and she didn't want to be with him, as she doesnt want to ruin a family, that didn't change the fact he wanted to be with her and not me. The rest of my pregnancy was very bad from then on i spent a month in hospital, my anxiety got so bad and I honestly blame it on having a broken heart. We stopped talking after he told me he wanted to be with her, within a month we had started talking again and he confirmed they was back together. I was heartbroken all over again. So fast forward now, my baby is five months old and he is still with this girl even though he is away, she's waiting for him. We talk maybe every other day on the phone for a couple of hours, just as friends and it kills me because I feel like I'm falling for him all over again. Breaks my heart one day he could have children with this girl, my daughter will be a sibling of their future children. I hold some resentment to her, I know I shouldn't but I can't help it, she came in and ruined my little family without a care in the world. I know it's all his fault, I don't know what to do, when I speak to him I feel myself loving him all over again even though I've been put through so much, I know. Pathetic, please don't judge me for having my baby in this situation. Its really crazy but she is loved and when her dad is back she will build a relationship with him. I don't know what I really wanna say, I just don't know how to get over him...he's virtually my first love. I'm just so heartbroken

Gallavich Thu 13-Apr-17 03:24:25

Stop talking to him on the phone. Contact other friends and family and fill the lonely time with them. Sorry you're going through such a rough time.

salmaahmed Thu 13-Apr-17 03:24:36

You're still young, very young but just know your baby needs you he is still very young and will pick up on any feelings you are channeling. You need to be happy to have a happy baby, we've all had first loves and loads of women have had babies with men who have fucked off and you will get over it eventually. He doesn't appreciate you and one day you will find someone who loves you and your baby truly and look back at this thread and laugh at yourself over someone so silly. Please stop drowning yourself in sorrow that's the first step, accepting that he isn't the one for you. You might want him to around also because he is your baby's dad but he clearly doesn't deserve YOU. If he wants to see baby let him but just know you do not belong to him or have to make things work just because you have a child. You wouldn't want your baby to treat someone the way he's treating you so don't let him grow up seeing someone treat you so bad. Do what's best for yourself and your son.

salmaahmed Thu 13-Apr-17 03:25:58

Sorry you wouldn't want your daughter to be treated like this** (thought you had a son for a second) she defo can't be seeing you like this growing up!!!!

SashaSays Thu 13-Apr-17 03:48:12

Thank you both so much. I also talk to him so my daughter can learn his voice. I fear my daughter can sense the way I feel even though she is the happiest baby ever x

Lovelilies Thu 13-Apr-17 04:19:40

I'm assuming he's in prison?
If I were you, I'd stop speaking to him and texting. He's dumped you for this other girl (who he can't see anyway because he's 'away') and is keeping you both dangling on the end of the phone.
You have a little girl now. She needs to be your priority, and she's at such a lovely age now. Soon she will be crawling about and need a lot of care and attention and if you're mooching around broken hearted it will really affect her.
She doesn't need to know his voice. When he's back, hopefully he'll want to be involved with her, but don't bank on it. Children adapt amazingly easily, she needs you to be her constant source of live and strength.
I know it's hard to be heart broken. But now you need to take a deep breath and get on with your life for the two of you flowers

ShineyNewName Thu 13-Apr-17 04:30:47

Stop doing this to yourself, talking to him I mean. You're just making yourself get more and more heartbroken. Tbh, he knows exactly what he's doing, but he's "away" and lonely/bored and when these guys go away they always have a bunch of girls they're just "talking" to --stringing along
Just write to him with updates of your daughter if anything, but don't set yourself up to be hurt. Besides, for your little girl, you're her example and do you want to show her a woman who just does her own thing or one who is hung up on some dude in jail who's got a girl and is just talking to another. I know its hard, but just stop with the talking for hours at a time. Why prolong the inevitable, why drag it out and make it longer and more painful than it needs to be.
Plus, a guy who gets a girl pregnant then tells her he wants to make a go of things and then suddenly drops that no actually I've been talking to my ex and I wat her instead...that's not a good guy, definitely not worth the sitting at home sad over.

Ginger782 Thu 13-Apr-17 04:43:34

I couldn't work out WTF "away" meant. If it's prison, walk away. Let him have his other relationship. You are capable of moving on for the sake of your daughter. You are capable of loving someone else one day. Shitfire, if it's bloody prison walk away.

SashaSays Thu 13-Apr-17 08:04:41

I agree. My daughter deserves better but its just so hard. I'm gonna nip in the bud the phone calls.

SashaSays Thu 13-Apr-17 08:06:15

Part of me feels I owe it to my daughter to speak to him because I chose to have my daughter knowing his predicament. sad

ShineyNewName Thu 13-Apr-17 14:14:57

All you owe your daughter is doing the best for her, making sure she's safe, making sure she's fed well, dressed well, learning well etc.
I can guarantee you too, a child with a sad mum knows their mum is sad. Maybe not when they're a few months old, but from toddler upwards, they know.

If he's going to be a good parent and change his life when he gets out, fair enough but otherwise you don't owe him anything either. And do remember, everybody in jail talks about how good they'll do when they're out, most do education or get a job, most are good for the first few months to a year, so please let him prove himself to you that he's not just going to keep going back and causing your daughter pain too.

And tbh, as her father he should also be wanting the best for her mum. What's good for you will usually rub of on your kids, and when you're happier it's nicer for them, so he himself should just know to stop dragging things on. I have a feeling he's slightly older too? Not old old, just not 18? If so, he's even more wrong. If not and he's your age, just put it down to being "young and dumb" and hopefully he'll change things up when he's out.

Your last post- no please don't feel guilty. Most babies weren't planned, and if everybody waited for the exact right time to have kids we would all be waiting forever because there's always something that isn't 100% ideal. Yours is that the dad did something wrong. That's not your fault. You said you were weak and couldn't do the abortion...that's so wrong. Yes abortion is so difficult for most people but so is raising a kid. Raising a kid is relentless sometimes. You're not weak. You had two options, both were something difficult and you chose to commit yourself to raising a child. You're not weak and it's not your fault.

SashaSays Thu 13-Apr-17 15:57:04

Thank you so much. I really needed that, today I feel like absolute shit but just trying to occupy myself with housework & spend some quality time with my daughter, talk to her, sing to her, play with her.. just the two of us. I don't want how I'm feeling to brush off on her. He's 22, so quite a bit older than me. I just know he will call later & im not sure how to go about it? Tell him how his daughter is doing then say I have to go or just not pick up at all. I just need to stop moping about and be strong..I know. If not for me for my little girl.

Marley45 Thu 13-Apr-17 17:00:33

How is he texting if he's in prison?

I would walk away. You and your daughter deserve so much more. If he wants to build a relationship with your daughter when he is out then he can do. But for now forget him.

reluctantlondoner Thu 13-Apr-17 17:09:29

OP this sounds so shit but I can promise you that this man is no good for you. The way he has treated you is horrible. You haven't done anything wrong by having the baby and his predicament is his own doing. I completely understand why you felt like that about having an abortion and decided to have the baby. An abortion is a difficult thing to go through and I know people who have suffered severe unhappiness and mental health problems as a result. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your daughter and surround yourself with positive and supportive influences - friends and family who care about you and can give you practical and emotional support. It doesn't feel like it now but the intensity of your feelings towards this man will fade over time. Focus on being strong for yourself and your daughter. Having a young baby is hard but it will get easier as she gets older and she will bring you so much joy. Try to move on from this man - he is a negative influence in your life and is causing you intense unhappiness which is not good for you or your daughter. Leave him to it and get on with making a good life for yourself. Good luck flowers

ShineyNewName Thu 13-Apr-17 17:21:49

Yea that's much better. If you're keeping yourself busy it's easier on you too because you won't just be sitting there doing nothing so it's easier to not think about him for a bit.
Yea...22...he knows what he's doing. Loads of guys really do take the p with the younger bm. Especially when she's still hung up on him. He is old enough to know to stop doing it and old enough to know how he handled things with you and the ex was totally wrong and definitely knows calling you for hours is doing you no good. Does his girl know he calls you for hours too?

If it were me personally, I'd just keep it light- yes your baby is fine, she learned this recently, we did that today, she's growing well etc, but sorry I've got to go now, baby needs feeding/bathing/playing with.

If you do that you might feel horrible when you first hang up the phone or feel like you should have spoken, but it'll empower you after a while. Knowing that you can just get on with things yourself and don't need this guy and were able to walk away, it's empowering.

Does his family ever contact you about his baby or to see how you guys are?

SashaSays Thu 13-Apr-17 18:47:28

He's always made me feel like its my fault for everything, told me he Is grateful for his daughter but he feels i "trapped" him. Tells me I purposely got pregnant,at first i was upset when he said this..I've just learnt to brush it off. Apparently his girl does know and she doesn't mind which is kinda hard to believe. I'm close with his mum & occasionally talk to his sister. They see my daughter quite a bit. I'm going to try keep it light but I notice when I do, he gets offended somehow..stops contacting me about his daughter full stop. Maybe its the best thing

glumbumm Thu 13-Apr-17 18:52:23

He's in prison. That should say it all. It's obviously not a small dalliance to be away for years. Your baby doesn't need that in their life, nor do you.

Astro55 Thu 13-Apr-17 19:01:06

He wants you to fight over him because it's good for his ego - when you stop he can't believe his magic is fading! He's got you right here he wants you!

Is this what you want? Really? Aren't you worth more? Is this how you want your daughters relationship to be?

SashaSays Thu 13-Apr-17 19:25:55

I agree that's exactly where he wants me. He doesn't want me to move on or be happy in the future, I can tell this by the sly comments he says sometimes. This is not what I want for myself or my daughter so I'm mad at myself I can't snap out of it..wish there was an off button for feelings. I'm just going to distance myself from him.

reluctantlondoner Thu 13-Apr-17 19:52:36

You'll get there OP. Time is a healer. Not easy with a young baby but when you're ready get yourself out a bit and maybe meet some nice new people and have a bit of fun. He sounds like a loser who will only drag you down. Hold your head high - as time passes and if you speak to him less your feelings will fade.

ShineyNewName Thu 13-Apr-17 19:58:31

Yea you trapped him. You put a gun to his head and forced him to have sex with you. He's being an idiot, most 11 year olds know if you have sex you can get pregnant or get a girl pregnant there's no way he can say you trapped him. You were quite a bit younger than him anyway.
And when you don't do what he wants by talking to him for hours, he gets offended and stops contacting you about his own child....that says it all really. You and your daughter deserve so much more than that. Don't just be his thing he can call when he's bored in jail, or when he's out the one he calls when he argues with his girlfriend. Some guys, they're a dad when the mum is playing along with what he wants and useless when she doesn't.
At least his family care a bit more, that's one good thing.

Ugh this is pissing me off. This guy is no good. Let me tell you, any guy who's worth crying over won't make you cry over him. Don't worry, the feelings will fade one day. The begging is harder, but it gets easier.

Astro55 Thu 13-Apr-17 20:14:31

You decide you aren't going to be his pawn - you ignore the other girl - you do not enter into any conversation about him or with his mom - shut it down

Find a group or hobby - look at college and think about your future - do what you want to do not what he wants you to do! Build your future - you don't need him!

With confidence you'll be stronger when he is released and able to deal with DD/dad relationship

SashaSays Thu 13-Apr-17 20:22:08

I want to be a nurse. Will be going back to college when my daughter is ten months old. Cant wait until I go back so I can have a goal to work towards for myself & my daughter. Time is a healer so hopefully time goes abit faster lol. Cant believe I'm in this situation..never thought that would happen to me. But oh well I'm not going to allow him to make me feel the way he does

Misstic Thu 13-Apr-17 20:27:26

He is in prison. You can do much, much better than him. Nothing is impossible and he may be able to rebuild his life and make a meaningful contribution to society as an upstanding citizen. However, it sounds like it is at least his second stint in prison. At 22, it doesn't sound too promising. I'd run as far away as possible from this man. Granted he is the father of your daughter but sounds like you should limit his influence over her. Let her spend time with other more positive role models.

SashaSays Thu 13-Apr-17 20:31:28

Yes he has been there before a couple of times. I just worry if she doesn't have a dad in her life that will affect her in some way. I try my best with her and I do think I do a good job. I love her so so much so I just want to do what's best for her

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