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DS's Cheating Boyfriend (14&18 year old dating)

(138 Posts)
user1487546656 Tue 11-Apr-17 20:52:08

I know this doesn't really belong in AIBU but I wasn't sure where to put it.

My other somewhat relevant posts:
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859078-AIBU-Dating-14-18-year-old?pg=2&order=
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2859583-Innaproapriate-kissing-14-18-year-old?pg=7&order=

My DS is 14 (year 10) and has a boyfriend who's 18(year 13). Boyfriend goes to the sixth form attached to DS's school and they went to the same theater club. They've been together since around January and I've recently been coming to terms with that.

Anyway, now the basics are out the way, my DS was crying the other day and when i went to see what was wrong he told me that boyfriend had cheated on him.
From what I've gathered from DS and DDs, is that the boyfriend had sex with another boy who goes to a different sixth form near us (so around 17-18). I don't know how boyfriend and the other boy know each other but DS and boyfriend are still together and boyfriend has apologised and so forth. But DS is devastated. He's never been in a proper relationship before and is finding it hard to talk to me or anyone else for that matter and in the past few days has become very detached.
I don't know if I'm relieved that the boyfriend is having sex with other people as it means he isn't with DS but at the same time I'm worried that boyfriend is sexually active whilst DS is not. I've been trying to comfort DS and boyfriend has been over twice in the past few days having apologised multiple times.
What do I do?
Is there actually anything I can do?
Do I even need to do anything because I feel like do...

Nanny0gg Tue 11-Apr-17 20:58:35

I'd have a bit of a problem with a 14 year-old going out with an 18 year-old in the first place.

One's an adult. One isn't.

waterrat Tue 11-Apr-17 21:00:36

Op if the older boy is having sex with your son that is statutory rape?

tinydancer88 Tue 11-Apr-17 21:01:36

The bigger issue is the age difference. I'm not sure this is something you should be trying 'to come to terms with'. It's illegal, and at the bare minimum it's grooming behaviour.

Also, how can you be sure that because the boyfriend has been sexually active with another person that he hasn't also had a sexual relationship with your son?

user1487546656 Tue 11-Apr-17 21:01:51

waterrat they aren't having sex

PlayOnWurtz Tue 11-Apr-17 21:02:28

14 and 18? Not in my house they wouldn't be a couple

P1nkP0ppy Tue 11-Apr-17 21:03:11

I wouldn't be so sure that your DS isn't sexually active which is statutory rape by the BF ☹️

seekingthesunlight Tue 11-Apr-17 21:04:56

I wouldn't encourage this relationship, it doesn't seem equal in terms of wants or life experience. When I went to a sixth form attached to a secondary school (pretty recently), it was made very clear to us that romantic attachments with the younger students was inappropriate. And to be honest, I don't know any of my fellow students who would have been interested in one - the gap between 14 and 18 is quite large in terms of emotional development.

Nanny0gg Tue 11-Apr-17 21:05:11

How do you know?

And so what? One adult plus one child does not make for any kind of equal relationship.

Why are you allowing it?

Floralnomad Tue 11-Apr-17 21:06:21

You need to explain to your ds that this relationship has to end , the older boy obviously wants a more serious relationship than he can have with your son . Just because he's having sex with other people doesn't mean he's not doing the same with your son .

SparklyPantaloons Tue 11-Apr-17 21:07:16

This has been covered, the OP can't control her sons every move and risks making him feel ashamed of being gay rather than addressing the real issue which is the age gap. Up until now how has it been going, OP?

I feel really sorry for your son. This is way above his level of maturity and not something he should have to be thinking about. I think you just have to be there, keep talking to him and push the point that it is okay to break up with this boy if that's what he wants to do.

waterrat Tue 11-Apr-17 21:07:48

A 14 year old is very vulnerable compared to an experienced young adult. The very fact that he cant cope with the adult situation he is now facing is evidence of that.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed Tue 11-Apr-17 21:09:20

He has never been in a proper relationship before I think that is the norm for most 14 year olds

Maybe they are not having sex but that could change surely it's best not to encourage this relationship as others have said one is a child (your ds) the other is his boyfriend

I wouldn't allow a child of 14 to be dating an adult

user1487546656 Tue 11-Apr-17 21:10:46

SparklyPantaloons thank you I agree but i have told DS it's okay to break up with him but he is adamant he won't.

gillybeanz Tue 11-Apr-17 21:16:09

I'm sorry but I wouldn't have allowed this in the first place.
Obviously the older man would want to have sex with another adult.
It would be weird wanting sex with a child, irrespective of their sexuality.

Your ds doesn't have the emotional maturity to sort this out and that should tell you that it was a bad idea to encourage this relationship.

I disagree with others you can control what a child does at this age through parenting, it is possible to mould your teen into a person who is able to mix with their own age without communicating that you are against them being gay.

SparklyPantaloons Tue 11-Apr-17 21:16:55

User I was in a similar position when I was roughly his age, teenagers can be stubborn. I very much had the idea that I had made my choice and should stick with it, as well as being scared of how much a break up would hurt. Maybe he does want to break up but isn't doing it because of whatever reason, or maybe he genuinely doesn't want to. Maybe he feels out of his depth and has no idea what he wants to do. All you can do is keep being there and saying it's okay.

Don't risk alienating him and pushing him further into this boys arms. 18yr old presumably is leading the relationship, so could potentially have a lot of sway over him and you don't want that. You want DS on side and being honest with you so within reason I'd be doing what I could to ensure that.

ListenToYourHeart Tue 11-Apr-17 21:17:20

I agree with the others that the 18 year old is an adult and your son isn't yet so it must be very hard coming to terms with everything that's happened.

The best you can probably do is keep showing your DS you are available to talk if/when he is ready, and ensure he knows you are supportive of his feelings and that he has every right to feel upset by the cheating even if he doesn't want to end the relationship.

Must be such a tricky situation cause of the age gap. flowers

ForalltheSaints Tue 11-Apr-17 21:18:41

Age gap is inappropriate. Whether it is two boys, two girls or a girl and a boy.

JorahsMissus Tue 11-Apr-17 21:19:26

Apart from the age issue, I would hope the boyfriend wouldn't try to turn this around on your DS by saying 'well if we were having sex I wouldn't have to cheat'. You should try to get your son away from this man and quick OP. I read your other thread and I know it hasn't been easy dealing with this but your son needs to get away from him for his own sake.

CreatingADream Tue 11-Apr-17 21:19:42

This relationship is wrong. The ages, and the cheating.

Please parent your son. He's a child and he needs you to intervene.

kingscrossnoodle Tue 11-Apr-17 21:20:12

How many people and how many times in your previous thread did people tell you. Adult and child. Not appropriate. Yes there is something you can do, step in and be a parent and have this inappropriate relationship finished once and for all

CreatingADream Tue 11-Apr-17 21:21:18

Please seek out your local Gay Men's charity for your son to have some proper and guided relationship counselling and advice too.

joannegrady90 Tue 11-Apr-17 21:22:05

Hi op I remember your older threads regarding this .

I would do my best to discourage the relationship, although I'm sure you've already tried this.

Have you spoke to the other boys parents at all? The school/sixth form? Maybe they would have some ideas as how to tackle this.

Does your son have a good circle of friends?

Have you spoke to your son about this boy? Does he thino the relationship is worth continuing?

I think know other posters should bare in mind the age gap has been discussed on previous threads so maybe this one could offer support to op and practical ways to help her son.

CreatingADream Tue 11-Apr-17 21:22:45

I would also want to know if the sex was protected (if I was your son). He may be at risk of STIs if it his "adult boyfriend" hasn't taken precautions.

Fuck this is fucked up. As most people told you last time.

HeteronormativeHaybales Tue 11-Apr-17 21:23:05

I'm sorry, but if it were my 14yo son or daughter an 18yo, male or female, had been sniffing around I would be speaking to them myself and telling them, kindly but in no uncertain terms, to leave my child alone. His sexuality is a red herring. I'd feel, and act, just the same if the 18yo were a girl.

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