5yo says she's silly and no one likes her(5 Posts)
My 5yo often says she's silly/stupid, has no friends, we (me and DP) don't love her, she's not pretty etc.
For clarification, she is doing really well at school, has friends at school and separately, is very much loved and, not that it matters to us, is pretty. She had an 8mo sister who she adores. I'm careful to try to give DD1 plenty of individual attention. I wouldn't say we are harsh disciplinarians, and we don't dwell on any tellings off. She gets lots of love and cuddles.
So why do I find little stories she has written about how she is silly, or "mummy says I am pretty but she is rong". Sometimes when DP or I say "I love you" she gets cross and tells us to stop fibbing. She can be upset by praise, eg after a recent parents night where her teacher was lavishing praise on her she was tearful and wanted to be alone in her room. I try to give her a chance to say how she feels without being too directive but she gets angry and doesn't want to talk about any of this.
I'm sorry to hear this OP as I know it must be worrying.
My own DD isn't as bad but has a tendency to blame herself for things and also used to hate too much praise, getting upset at it.
I don't know if she just grew out of most of it (she's still a martyr sometimes) but I avoided direct praise and instead swapped to saying things like:
"Wow that took a lot of hard work"
"I'm so lucky I got to be your Mum"
And other comments where my focus was on the task or on me. Not her. I don't know if this helped but she's much better now she's 10 and overall has a pretty fab self image now. She's still negative about her abilities sometimes (not about praise, love or self image now thankfully) but I'm hoping she's starting to form a more positive outlook.
I'm not an expert though and sure someone with better tips will be along shortly. Good luck
How do you praise her? She might feel self conscious about it.
My dd would sometimes ask me why I thought she was clever etc so I'm stricter with myself about how I praise. Instead of saying "good girl", I'll say "you worked very hard on X". When she comes to me with a picture she's drawn etc, I'll spend time to ask her questions about it, what she likes the best and were there any bits which were tricky etc. This helps build her confidence.
I also encourage her to ask if she likes something, so she's less likely to get upset if someone else doesn't like something.
My dd who's 4.5 says things like this! She has a younger sister who's 18 months. My dd often says I don't care about her
I think mainly it's down to her still adjusting to having a sibling, before dd2 came along she was the centre of our attention and now she has to share me and dh.
I use a website called A-Ha parenting and it has some really good advise for this kind of behaviour.
It is a form of attention as well as frustration, I notice my dd says it more if I'm particularly busy / stressed and not given 100% of my attention.
I make time for 30 mins a day play with just her a day, doing whatever she wants
usually bloody role play with dollies this has helped a lot.
Her younger sibling is still so young so she could also be adjusting to life as a big sister.
I wonder if someone's been feeding her the 'you're a big girl now' line - maybe at school. So, 'don't be silly, you're a big girl now'. And, of course, she's 5, so she will be silly, and why not?
I think I'd have some fun being silly with her, pulling faces, doing a silly dance. Show her that adults can be silly too, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Are her friends pulling her down, do you think?
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