Mother In Law Predicament - am I being unreasonable?(43 Posts)
My relationship with my inlaws is very up and down. They live very close by and are obsessed with my daughter (first grandchild) so have always wanted to see her a lot and pop by unannounced etc etc. We've had some run ins in the past but generally things are fine.
The ironic thing is although when they're not with us we hear from them a lot when they're only with my daughter I get radio silence.
I am now back at work full time and my nearly 2 year old spends 2 days a week with my MIL and 3 days a week at nursery. Of course I am very grateful to my MIL for this but she has made it very clear that she doesn't understand why we send her to nursery at all and thinks she should be with them every day.
I asked at the very beginning, 6 months ago, if she could please text me once a day letting me know how my daughter is and I would be really grateful. I obviously miss her loads and although I'm very busy with work a brief text with how shes getting on, if she's had a good sleep or how she's eaten (any or all of the above) is always reassuring to receive.
For some reason this is always a problem. She will never text me. I am always texting her and on the one occasion that I did call she practically laughed down the phone as if to say what on earth are you doing. It made me feel ridiculous even though deep down I think I'm within my right to hear something.
I am never doing it in a way where I don't trust her or am checking up, it's always simply because I miss my little girl and would like a brief insight into her day.
I mentioned it to my husband and he had a word and for a day I got two messages full of kisses and detail but after that it stopped. I know looking after a child is full on - of course I do! Let alone for a 60yr old but she naps for 2 hours and they put her infront of the tv a lot so I'm sure she could find a couple of minutes.
My sister in law mentioned that my MIL had hinted at being full aware and said along the lines of ' I don't think I keep in touch enough for her'. No, nothing isn't enough at all.
How do others manage this communication/relationship as at the moment it's making me feel pretty miserable and my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.
Help or advice most welcome!
Unless nursery texts you and contacts you throughout the day then I think you are bu.
I think if your relationship with MIL is difficult and you can't communicate then it would better to put your daughter in nursery full time.
I don't understand why you need texts? Does the nursery text throughout the day?
However, if it's not working for you,then simply put your DD in nursery where you can have more control over what happens.
Your husband is right, you are being unreasonable. You don't ring/expect texts from nursery, do you?
Maybe she feels on one level that she ought to have your dd every day but on another level k ows just how tiring it would be. So does the not texting thing to ensure you won't change your mind about nursery and ask her to do all day... which she would then feel was the thing she ought to do...
I may be reading too much into it.
Hi @heirhelp - I would like to think getting a text from family is more realistic and normal to expect then from the nursery? Which is an institution looking after many children. My nursery does encourage us to call whenever we like so if she's not well I will call in on my lunch to see if she's ok.
My mum looks after my daughter every other week for a day and I get constant pics and messages - not asked for - but it is different when it's your own mum.
I think my MIL would be devastated if I put my daughter in nursery full time so I guess I am just surprised she isn't more willing to try and work together on it
But she's not unwell when you're epxecting mil to text?
I bet if you stop texting she will be busting to fill you in on what they have been up to. .
I miss my dc when I'm at work and they're at school but school don't text
I'm pretty sure the nursery also don't send text updates either.
Your mil probably feels like you don't trust her which is why she's reluctant to text you.
Unless nursery texts you and contacts you throughout the day then I think you are bu.
I would think you didn't trust me tbh.
I think you are exaggerating too, OP. We all miss our children when we start back to work, but get used to it.
Yanbu- I agree op, if someone is friend / family then to send a text is to me a normal part of the day, not something you would need to request! Nursery example is totally different. It seems really spiteful to not send a simple 'all ok, been to xyz this morning, see you later' type thing.
Thank you @BusterTheBulldog that's what I think? I don't think you can compare your child spending time at nursery or school compared to as being with family or friends in terms of the communication available or how easy it is for them to ping off a quick text to their daughter in law.
Deep down I think it is spiteful because she knows that it is something that I asked months ago and she never does and to mention it to my SIL and still not change infuriates me even more!
If she even did it once a month then I think I would be happy, but to not hear one word any day I think is weird and I think those thinking I'm asking too much but who's MIL's look after their kids too maybe hear from them miles more then they even realise!
if you think your MIL is so spiteful and awkward why are you allowing her to spend so much time with your child?
You really are being pretty up there on the PFB and ridiculous associated behaviour tbh
and trying to justify it by "even one text a month" is not making it any better.
Stop texting her.
If that's your only issue be grateful!
The texts or lack of, I would see as neither here nor there - as long as you trust her to contact you in an emergency.
The problem I would have is the deliberate disregarding of your wishes when she is left in sole charge of your child. if you don't trust her to provide adequate care, or if you think she is behaving this way out of spite to annoy you, then you really shouldn't be leaving her in charge of your child. Personally I would be booking extra days at nursery and just letting MIL do occasional babysitting. Tell your husband exactly why, if he's not happy about that.
It doesn't matter whether it's unreasonable that you've asked for a text (for the record I don't think it is) but it is unreasonable that she's choosing not to send one when you've specifically asked for it.
It doesn't sound like it's purely for your benefit that she's looking after DD, it's so she can spend time with her too.
I think you are testing the water with the texting issue, to check out how far your MIL will respect your wishes. I don't think it's a reasonable request, though I know it's not a big ask. I would be more concerned, going forwards, about how much screen time your DD is having and whether your MIL will flout other expectations you have about how your DD will be cared for. Also, if she doesn't return the favour, then don't engage so much with such regular contact aside from childcare days.
Does MIL give you any kind of run down of DDs day when you pick her up? A vague idea of what she ate, what they did, where they went?
I understand why you would like the texts. My mum is great at keeping me updated if she ever watches lo (which is hardly ever as she lives away) but my mil, who watches lo 3 days a week, never texts or calls. I have never asked her to though to be fair.
I think you might be overall happier and less frustrated if you let the texts go and stop requesting them. Yeah they're nice to have but it doesn't sound like your mil is going to comply and so you're just going to continue to get annoyed over the matter.
I think that expecting your MIL to text you with news of your DD during the day is quite demanding. Let it go.
She might be the sort who doesn't text freely. Not everybody does. I rarely communicate with DH during the day.
For the sake of one text a day on the occasions MIL has her, you're creating an issue.
This would annoy me too. It's such a small thing to ask. Why wouldn't you?
Are you happy with the childcare arrangements in general?
I agree with you. You don't expect nursery to text you but family is different. I used to ask anyone who was looking after my child for updates. I also used to ring the nursery once a day as well. i would say that she is deliberately not texting you to make a point.
I think pp are being harsh. I get at least one photo and message a day from my daughters lovely childminder and many more when my mum has her for 2 days a week.
If your MIL agreed to text when you arranged for her to have your little one, I don't understand why it's such a hassle for her. Wouldn't she like to share with you what a good day they're having? I don't think your BU at all.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.