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To worry this will be all she'll remember about me

(46 Posts)
lazzaroo Mon 27-Mar-17 21:52:21

I am really nervous writing this so please be gentle! I lost my temper with my dd, got shouty and she was smirking at me. I tapped her on the side of the face and said 'no. Don't laugh at me when I'm upset'. It wasn't a slap, but I feel sick about it. I immediately said I was sorry but I am convinced she's never going to forget it. I try so hard to be patient but feel like she knows how to wind me up. She is 7 years old and wonderful in so many ways, everyone says how delightful she is but I think she saves all her most challenging behaviour and attitude for me.

I don't really know what I expect anyone to say.

Imamouseduh Mon 27-Mar-17 22:00:05

I'd say you're punishing yourself enough. I got slapped as a child and while it wasn't nice, it's hardly all I remember about my childhood. Let it go.

isupposeitsverynice Mon 27-Mar-17 22:02:50

My mum slapped me round the face once when I was 14 and utterly vile. My mum is lovely. It's not an ideal reaction on your part but you're not a monster. my children are angels everywhere but at home, it seems. It's very common!

Saxa Mon 27-Mar-17 22:07:04

My mum slapped me on the face more than once as a young teenager. I still remember it but it's not by any means in the front of my mind when I think about my mum.

You've apologised, there's not much more you can do now, don't beat yourself up. Parenting is a hard enough job without tying ourselves in knots every time we make a mistake flowers

lazzaroo Mon 27-Mar-17 22:07:22

Thank you for replying. You're right. I will have to get over it but it's making me very emotional at the moment. It's not something I thought I would ever do.

Booshbeesh Mon 27-Mar-17 22:08:10

Oh dear u apologised. Now shes got u! She wont remember it in 6 mo ths let alone when shes grown. Dont feel to bad. Was a mistake. Xx

fluffandsnuff Mon 27-Mar-17 22:10:23

I've never actually got to this point but I've been close. It's understandable but not at all right, and you know that. Maybe have a chat with her whilst you're doing something else (colouring in is a good one so it's not too intense) just to see if it's playing on her mind.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Mon 27-Mar-17 22:11:51

I do clearly remember my lovely mum losing her temper and slapping my hand about the age of 7 - I was being awful and knew I'd gone too far! I certainly don't hold it against her, and your DD will also not be traumatised.

Dobbyandme Mon 27-Mar-17 22:13:28

Going to be gentle as requested! You may take a verbal beating on AIBU though, be warned.

The first step is that you recognise that you responded very badly to your child's behaviour and that you are sorry. So that's brilliant.

However, you need to understand that whilst her behaviour is challenging and she has attitude at 7 years old, in about 5 years time she's going to be twice as bad. Children are challenging and sometimes impossible.

Firstly, you need to let her know that you truly are sorry and that it will never happen again. She really needs reassurance that she doesn't need to be scared of you and that may take a little time.

Secondly, you need to take steps to ensure it never does happen again. Concentrate hard on your breathing (slowly and deeply, in through nose, out through mouth) when you are faced with challenging behaviour, or remove yourself from the situation immediately if you feel like you might react in a negative way - just walk out of the room, count to ten and then try again. You may also find talking to a GP or other HCP helpful, admit that sometimes you feel particularly angry with her and want to lash out, can they give you any advice for your temper and/or point you in the direction of someone that can give you advice on how to manage your child's behaviour.

Thirdly, you need to learn to manage your child's behaviour appropriately. You could try positive reinforcement (praise good, ignore bad) or removal of privileges (threaten after first instance and then after second instance stick to your guns and remove something, never go back on your word so make sure you measure out appropriate punishment for behaviour types in advance - attitude may equal a set number of hours without her favourite toy, throwing something may equal no electronics for the rest of the day).

She may also be acting out (if you spend a lot of time on your phone for instance she may want your more focused attention). You could try asking why she behaves in a certain way.

Lastly, as a kid I recall being hit by both my parents. Mum did it once, I always remembered but it lost significance when I realises it would never happen again. Dad did it more than once and I was always scared. So make sure it was just the once.

Blossomdeary Mon 27-Mar-17 22:14:26

I remember slapping one of my DDs when she was small. The memory has stayed with me and made me feel bad - I am now 68. All those years of guilt.

She cannot remember the incident, so take heart!

Billybonkers76 Mon 27-Mar-17 22:15:39

My mum slapped me once when I was a teenager, I was having a melt down over a hair colour gone wrong. Totally deserved it. I know 7 is different but she'll be fine. You didn't beat her, it's not a regular occurrence (I hope not anyway), I bet it shocked her more than anything.

maisiejones Mon 27-Mar-17 22:20:04

Listen. My mum once pushed my face into a plate of corned beef hash. I was being a vile 14 year old and she just flipped. She was the most wonderful loving mum and we loved each other to bits. Over the years we had a good laugh about this. Trust me, it didn't scar me for life.

ThePiglet59 Mon 27-Mar-17 22:21:13

I doubt it will traumatise her, or be all that she remembers you for.
My dad frequently gave us a deserved thump around the earhole when we were kids and I remember him fondly.

PacificDogwod Mon 27-Mar-17 22:21:27

You are her mother.

You will be the one who gets to see her best behaviour and her worst.

You need to figure out a way how to respond to the worst.

I find walking away works for me.

highinthesky Mon 27-Mar-17 22:23:43

I got smacked all the time (as did my siblings), mostly because my patents were stressed out and on short fuses rather than our behaviour. I won't ever forget it, and although don't hold it against them as an adult, they wouldn't dare try it on their DGC for fear of my wrath.

Of course, smacking children is illegal now....

Notcontent Mon 27-Mar-17 22:25:17

Seriously? Be easy on yourself. We all lose it a bit with our children sometimes.

MissGoggins Mon 27-Mar-17 22:25:50

How did she react? Do you shout at her like this a lot? was the smirk a defence mechanism?

You slapped your daughters face. 7 years old. Why are you more worried about your legacy than her wellbeing right now? Why is your legacy what you ask about and not how to control yourself so as this never happens again?

And I am being gentle, this is restrained for me.

lazzaroo Mon 27-Mar-17 22:25:52

Thank you for all replies. It wot happen again. I absolutely love her with all my heart and she knows that I am sorry. I think it's important to admit when we, as adults, go about things in the wrong way.

I've asked admin about moving this to parenting or behaviour as I'm worried I should have posted here. No idea if they'll do it. You're all being very lovely but, if it comes, I don't think I can cope with a bashing at the moment!

SovietKitsch Mon 27-Mar-17 22:26:14

It isn't high, not in England. Still totally legal to use "reasonable chastisement".

Greenifer Mon 27-Mar-17 22:29:29

DD remembers me smacking her on the hand when she was four (she is ten now). I apologised profusely at the time and we talked about why I had done it and why I was sorry and why she should also be sorry (she was being a little devil). She has never been a little devil to quite the same extent again and I have never smacked her again and I am sure it won't be the only thing she remembers about me but she probably will always remember it because it was so out of character for me. Perhaps when she is a mother and has a child being a little devil she will remember it in a good way and think 'oh, that's what it was like for my mum'. She certainly doesn't bear me any resentment for it and I'm sure your DD knows full well that she was annoying you and won't hold it against you either. Be kind to yourself.

Imamouseduh Mon 27-Mar-17 22:30:07

I think some of the comments here are a bit overly dramatic. She's seven. She'll have got a shock and will get over it quickly. All this advice to talk it over, apologise is going to make it much more of a thing in her mind than it is now. Just leave it.

Greenifer Mon 27-Mar-17 22:30:25

Also, sometimes it is no bad thing that a child realises that it is possible to push their parent(s) too far.

Sara107 Mon 27-Mar-17 22:30:26

If it was a touch not a slap why are you so upset about it really? You don't always have to be patient and lovely to her, if her behaviour is bad and she is deliberately winding you up it's ok to be angry and let her know very clearly that you find x or y unacceptable. Don't apologise about it, explain why it's not ok, tell her what sanction there will be for that behaviour and stick to it. ( If you do x you aren't allowed to watch TV / play on the iPad / play with your friend for the rest of the day).

MissGoggins Mon 27-Mar-17 22:30:58

SovietKitsch reasonable chastisement?

I'm fairly sure that doesn't cover loosing control and making contact with a 7 year olds face.

lazzaroo Mon 27-Mar-17 22:31:07

missgoggins she was shocked, as was I. I hugged her and we both cried. I said sorry. Yes, I think she does smirk in defence. The fact that I know that makes it worse that it still pushes my buttons. She can't cope with being told off but no, I don't shout at her a lot.

I am worried about her well being. It's not my legacy I'm worried about. It's her childhood and associated memories that I'm concerned about. It makes me feel physically sick that this one incident will have traumatised her.

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