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Boyfriend co-sleeps with 11 year old son

(40 Posts)
user1490448989 Sat 25-Mar-17 13:55:39

My boyfriend and I have been seeing one another for about a year. I usually stay at his place 4/5 nights, then at mine about the same amount of time.

He has an 11 year old son from a previous relationship, who he has every Wednesday night and alternate weekends.

His son has a bedroom of his own at my boyfriend's place, but they both sleep in my boyfriend's bed together. This means that when I'm also there, I sleep in the son's bed in his bedroom, while the son and my partner share the master bed.

On the one hand, I think it's gorgeous that they have such a close relationship, and I know there's an element of 'making up for lost time' given that my boyfriend has limited time with his boy.

But at the back of my mind I can't help feeling like the boy is a bit big to be sleeping in his dad's bed every time he's over, especially given that he has a bed of his own. I've never heard of an 11 year old not sleeping on their own... but then again, I'm not a parent myself, so what do I know?! And that's why I wanted to check in here...

To begin with I just avoided being there and staying over when I knew his son would be there, because I felt so odd as a grown woman sleeping in a little-boy room when the little boy in question was next door!

But I don't want to avoid his son – I want to get to know him, so last night I stayed over, the boys went to bed together and I slept on the couch instead. Not great for privacy, but didn't feel quite so odd.

I'm the first relationship my boyfriend has been in for about 3 years, so I got the feeling last night that he was a bit sideswiped by how to deal with it. At first he suggested we all squeeze in together to watch a movie in bed, and I thought he was joking, so I laughed.

But then I heard him putting his son into bed and having what sounded like a conversation about me being in the bed too, saying that the sheets in his son's room weren't clean (his brother had stayed the night before). He then came into the kitchen and told me that his son had given him a weird look when he suggested us all sleeping together – and that he had only been kidding.

I think he's unsure of how to manage this situation, and he's such a loving and considerate guy, he got a bit overwhelmed with how to keep everyone happy last night. I want to support him to make sure his son always feels loved and secure, and if that means sleeping on the couch whenever he's over, then fine. But I've still got this niggle that at some point his son is going to need to move into his own room, either because he's a teenager or because I've been around long enough to not be a permanent couch-dweller!

Am I being unreasonable to think the child's a bit big for this, and to feel odd about sleeping in the child's bed? Is this me just being a bit selfish and not understanding what it's like to be a parent?

coolaschmoola Sat 25-Mar-17 14:00:50

I don't think it's odd - because he is his son. There is no age limit on cosleeping - it's up to the individual child. If he wants to co-sleep then more power to his elbow.

DD slept in our bed with DH last night. I went in her bed because I'd been out drinking and she was in my spot when I got back. I had a bloody BRILLIANT kid. No snoring, no small child invading in the night.

You need to ask yourself WHY you feel uncomfortable about this.

coolaschmoola Sat 25-Mar-17 14:01:31

*kip - although dd is also a brilliant kid.

user1490448989 Sat 25-Mar-17 14:04:54

Yep, I have definitely been asking myself this and haven't got a clear idea yet – I'm not sure! Part of the reason I'm posting on here, to help me get a bird's eye view of what might be going on. Thanks for your thoughts!

user1490448989 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:17:14

And, just to make sure I'm being clear, it's not the fact that they EVER share a bed that I find odd.

Were it the same as your situation, i.e the child had their own bed and usually slept in it, and came in on a one-off when I was out, I'd definitely feel differently.

It's more that they always share a bed, and although of course there's no 'age limit' on anything, there are ages when some things appear more normal (and constructive to day to day life when you're a man having an adult relationship) than others... or is that really just me?

ShelaghTurner Sat 25-Mar-17 15:22:46

I don't think it's odd. My 9yo dd only left my bed last year and she still comes back as often as I'll let her. 5yo has no intention of leaving hmm. But, what's odd is that you stay over with your boyfriend and yet you end up sleeping separately. Have I read that right? Of course it's not all about sex but what on earth is the point of you staying over with him if you end up on the sofa?

ImperialBlether Sat 25-Mar-17 15:23:38

There will come a time very soon when his son won't want to share a bed. It does seem odd if there aren't other problems such as anxiety. Where does he sleep in his mum's house?

user1490448989 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:28:19

ShelaghTurner, we sleep together when his son is at his mum's, but when his son stays at his place, I sleep elsewhere, because his son is in the master bed with him.

I used to just stay at my place when his son was over to avoid the weirdness of ending up 'relegated' to the couch, but I like his son and I don't want to avoid spending time with him just because of this.

user1490448989 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:29:52

And ImperialBlether, he sleeps in his own bed at his mum's house.

No anxiety issues, totally confident kid.

I think when his parents split, his dad (my partner) was so torn up about it and worried about his son feeling abandoned that he wanted to stay as close to his son as possible. And then the years rolled by, and here we are...

HecateAntaia Sat 25-Mar-17 15:30:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

robinia Sat 25-Mar-17 15:31:49

I think it's lovely they they have the kind of relationship where this is OK/normal. But it's not great for you!
Is the son at secondary school yet? I couldn't imagine it lasting long beyond then. Whatever, I'd probably actually take up your bf's suggestion of joining them. Just discuss it with him. It's not on for you to be on the sofa or in ds's bed; especially not ds's bed as you want that to be for him, and for him to be happy being there rather than in his dad's bed.
Maybe bf could get into the habit of going to sleep with ds in ds's bed, until he falls asleep, and then returning to his own bed (or wherever). Then if ds wakes in the night, bf and ds go back to ds's bed and repeat for however long it takes.

bluejelly Sat 25-Mar-17 15:33:35

In many cultures around the world the whole family sleeps together in one room, usually on bed mats or futons. So from a global perspective it's not weird at all.
However in your shoes I would find it a bit odd... when I met my dp his daughters were around the same age, and it would have felt weird to all pile in together!

Bluntness100 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:36:26

I find it odd too. At 11 they should wish their own bed, and I'm surprised an eleven year old and a grown man would have the girlfriend on th sofa or on her own or in a child's room whilst they share a bed.

It would make me slightly uncomfortable too. For no reason other than I find it weird.

He is 11. Time for his own bed.

user1490448989 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:38:22

robinia - we live in Spain, where the schooling system is a bit different, so he's not at secondary school yet.

I think it's lovely too –I've never seen a father and son with such a lovely relationship. AND I'm aware that things in their life are changing with me in the picture, and it's about managing that without making his son feel like he's losing his papa to someone else. I'm nervous to be the one to bring it up, though...

I would feel a bit strange with all 3 of us in the bed – one thing for a baby to share a bed with his parents, another thing for an 11 year old to be sharing a bed with a woman who isn't his family... no?

It's so ODD how uncertain I am of how to navigate this! I'm usually so laid-back about stuff, but I really don't want to screw up here...

Vegansnake Sat 25-Mar-17 15:39:54

Weird indeed..I wonder what the sons mates would think of it

Bluntness100 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:40:24

No you can't share the bed too, that's even weirder, sorry.

Funnyonion17 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:42:24

I don't think them sharing a bed is weird or an issue. I do think that when your over though you shouldn't be expected to sleep elsewhere. If the DC had night terrors etc then i can understand and maybe you shouldn't stop over when he's there?

QuiteLikely5 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:43:15

I wouldn't force the issue. It's not ideal but it works for his son and I guarantee that in the next year or so he will no longer want to share with his father.

robinia Sat 25-Mar-17 15:44:34

You sharing the bed may mean ds chooses to go back to his. And obviously with bf between you and ds.
I definitely think you should be in the main bed though.

Squeegle Sat 25-Mar-17 15:46:52

I don't think it's odd, but I do think it's no good for you! You should either not stay over or expect that the boy would go in his own room if you did. My DS often sleeps in my bed (he's 12), but of my BF stays then he will sleep in his own room. That's only polite smile

RandomMess Sat 25-Mar-17 15:53:50

I had a colleague who was still sharing with her 15 year old confused she didn't have physical relationship with her DH anymore I do wonder what her DD was learning about adult relationships...

It's only a huge issue if you ever move in together, are you going to sleep in his bed forever when he stay over?

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 25-Mar-17 15:55:42

I sleep with dd because I'm chronically ill and we go to bed at the same time. Dh sleeps in the spare room because he's so noisy. She's 8. That way no one has to put her to bed. Dh is tired from work and doing lots of extra stuff I can't do it as well as get me to bed. It works for us as a family. But not ideal. If you end up living together, I think this would be the time to suggest a change. Until then, Id let his ds get used to your presence. No need to go alienating him at this stage.

Oblomov17 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:57:18

I think it's odd. In Spain?

1horatio Sat 25-Mar-17 15:58:00

I definitely think you should be in the main bed though.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. If OH and I break up and his new girlfriend/boyfriend slept in the same bed as our children?

Yeah, no. That would cross boundaries and I'd be very angry...

Bluntness100 Sat 25-Mar-17 15:59:07

I also don't understand why he is "putting his son into bed" any eleven year old I ever knew put themselves to bed. You say he has no special needs, and as such being put to bed and sleeping with his father when his partner is in the house is not the norm at all in my experience.

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