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Marriage with baby.

(49 Posts)
user1489875480 Sat 18-Mar-17 22:28:50

Saturday night...8 month old baby. Husband plays golf all day once a weekend & just assumes I'll provide childcare.(I love spending time with our baby, it's a joy.) I dream of having a husband that would chose his family over his golf. He has just come to bed with the calendar and his golf diary and right next to me written on all golf fixtures this year. I was like "are you taking the pi--?"
The problem is I have met loads of baby friends whose husbands all chip in. Is this normal?
(I had a prem, low weight baby. Came out of hospital and the first weekend he played golf. He then did it almost every weekend. He won't compromise. Says he needs to do it to relax).
What should I do?

Sunshineandlaughter Sat 18-Mar-17 22:31:16

Make him do more at other times.

Night shifts, house cleaning, bins, early morning wake ups... you decide what you want to demand in return.

user1489875480 Sat 18-Mar-17 22:31:28

I should add that I do all sorts with our baby - loads if activities, adventures etc but at weekends I always feel a bit lonely.
Tried booking things at weekend like swimming lessons and one if activities. He just then wraps golf around these so we can never make a full day of it. I always hoped he'd snap out if it and think what we dud was more exciting than golf but obvious,y it's not.

NerrSnerr Sat 18-Mar-17 22:35:24

That sounds rubbish. Did you discuss weekends and both getting time for a break before the baby came? I know a few people whose husbands don't do their share of the parenting when not working and it does cause resentment.

Are you at work again or planning on returning to work? Does he do much with the baby in the evening or the other day? What would happen if you booked a day out when he's not playing golf and you left him with the baby?

mimiholls Sun 19-Mar-17 07:22:38

Definitely book a few days out for yourself and leave him with the baby. Hopefully that will at least give him an appreciation for how hard it is for the whole day.

NannyOggsKnickers Sun 19-Mar-17 07:33:26

Do you get any time to relax without the baby? Has he ever done an entire day to himself with her? I found that DP didn't really understand until he'd done a day of baby care. He was a lot more willing to compromise afterward. How is he with her when you're there? Is he fairly hands on?

picklemepopcorn Sun 19-Mar-17 08:02:22

Book lots of things for you and DD to do on his golf days. On the other day, go out without her and leave him to it. Give him a list of house work as well- not an obvious list, but make sure there is no food in so he has to go to shops, leave washing in machine, dishwasher full and needing to be emptied etc. Give him the full 'at home with DCs' experience.

NapQueen Sun 19-Mar-17 08:04:09

Definetly take sundays as your own - if only to make a point. He is happy to forego "family time" every week so he cant get arsey if you do the same.

SparkyBlue Sun 19-Mar-17 08:05:36

That sounds awful but surely he was a golfer before the baby arrived. Did ye ever discuss what would happen once the baby was born.

Ihatethedailymail1 Sun 19-Mar-17 08:14:12

So if he has marked off all the Saturdays for golf, you mark off all the Sunday's for your hobby.
Do it every single weekend and don't back down. I guarantee he'll start thinking if he wants to play all day.
Why should he get a whole day off a weekend of his parenting responsibilities if you don't? And make sure you do go out all day!

xStefx Sun 19-Mar-17 08:17:33

He sounds like a selfish arse hole to be honest especially as you said the first weekend he went to golf when you Came home from hospital . I would of spoken about this before the baby came mind as I have a fishing boyfriend and we had that convo . He mostly does night fishing and our dd doesn't notice him gone. You will have a part time bf and dad there Hun, I know you say he won't compromise but that's not an answer . Demand he bloody compromise , a marriage that can't come to compromise is disfunctional x

Only1scoop Sun 19-Mar-17 08:17:54

'The problem is I have met loads of baby friends whose husbands all chip in. Is this normal? If you'd be happy with 'chipping in' you sadly set the bar very low.

xStefx Sun 19-Mar-17 08:19:08

What the fuck did he have a baby for if he wants to work Monday to Friday and golf every Saturday ??? Remind him that if you leave him he will have the baby every weekend and won't be able to do precious golf then

PollyBanana Sun 19-Mar-17 08:24:03

Golf does not need to take all day.
Even the slowest round is not 8 hours long. It's four and a half hours.
Blokes who spend "all day" playing golf are actually spending all day getting there, having a chat, having a bacon sandwich, faffing about, a bit of playing golf, a drink, a chat, oh all right then I'll have another drink and a bowl of chips...
If he pulls his finger out, he could play golf and still be back just after lunch

PollyBanana Sun 19-Mar-17 08:25:25

You need a Sunday hobby.
This hobby can be lying on the sofa watching Netflix all day

Funnyface1 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:43:49

No it's not normal. My husband is here every moment he's not working and wants to be here. He goes out for a meal or cinema with friends maybe once every 6 weeks and is gone only a few hours and only if it's convenient for me. I don't know if that's normal to be honest but he knows i need the help, he knows how hard it is to look after a baby because he genuinely does his fair share. He's probably changed more nappies than me because I had a section and did none for the first 3 weeks. He took 5 weeks off work when our baby was born so I wouldn't have to worry about the school run for our older child. What I'm basically pointing out is that you deserve better, looking after a baby is so hard and you deserve better. Try to rope him in so he knows he needs to support you more. Best of luck.

user1489875480 Sun 19-Mar-17 11:00:07

Thanks for your replies and sorry for all the typos in my post. I was typing angrily & tired!

For a bit of background, he didn't play golf before we were married. He actually wanted to spend time with me then. It started a couple of years ago. First it was a summer thing. I loved it at first. On Saturdays I'd enjoy a lie in, bath, pamper etc and some 'me' time. It worked. Then it started happening more frequently so to compromise he'd get an early tee time and by the time he was back I'd be up and ready to go out (after a lovely slow morning). He used to say how grateful he was that I'd let him go out and golf. At the time, I was grateful of my quiet time too.

But then it took over. He started doing competitions and away days. Over time, I started to feel a bit down and lonely. When he was out, I'd find myself crying most Saturdays and feeling low. I knew this wasn't normal. It wasn't me attention seeking as I didn't tell anybody but after ages I thought I had a bit of low mood so I went to a doctor. I put it down to stress at work and failiure to conceive when lots of my friends had children. I had counselling which was great. I felt daft as on paper I have a good life (home, job, friends, family, no bereavements or horrible things had happened). The counsellor said I was normal which was a relief.

After that I decided to get my own hobby so I got a season ticket and went to watch football with my family most Saturdays. My mum was concerned that me and my husband didn't seem to have a mutual hobby/spend time together but I enjoyed my Saturdays.

Then I fell pregnant. I didn't renew my season ticket for another year as I knew I'd be busy! I presumed that my husband would do the same with his golf membership but in spring he renewed it (without asking me). At the time I was concerned. I said it him I didn't think he'd have much time with a newborn. He assured me he wouldn't play much but it was better value to have a membership. I honestly thought he'd sack it off once the baby came.

Our baby came early and we were in hospital for a few days. My husband was amazing. He ran round to get everything ready and really supported me. That Saturday (baby one week old), he asked if he could play golf and foolishly I said yes. I thought it would be a treat for him after everything and that he'd want to share his excitement with his friends. I felt slightly scared to be on my own and the midwife visited. Our baby was losing weight and was dropping below 5lb so she told me to use formula. I had the (very common) feeling of 'is my breast milk not working'. The baby wasn't feeding properly.

A week later....a golf away day he'd booked long before the baby arrived (presuming the baby wasn't due til a month later). As he'd booked it I stupidly let him go. This time I had to entertain his mother who had come to "look after" me whilst he was out. He sent me a text saying, "the first whole is called xxxxx's view" (xxxx being our baby's name). Enraged, I sent a text back saying "the real xxxx's view is here at home." And there it started. I'd allowed him to go so every weekend he goes off.

My problem is not the fact I never get a day off. That was my wish early on but now our baby is such a joy I love spending time together. My problem is that I wonder if he wanted a baby. I feel unattractive, not funny anymore and that he chooses golf over his family. I could tell him to stop it and he would but my whole thing is that I wished he WANTED to!

And for the record he has never had our baby for a full day. I've been out a couple of times at night and had a handful of mornings & afternoons off duty.

user1489875480 Sun 19-Mar-17 11:03:52

I had an emergency c section birth so I was immobile too!

user1489875480 Sun 19-Mar-17 11:07:15

I think my issue is that I don't think I can forgive him for playing golf on those early days. First child, premature, emergency section (ambulance after haemorrhage). Baby not feeding etc....

I have talked to him and said I felt so let down.

Now he makes me feel at fault by saying mean things.

user1489875480 Sun 19-Mar-17 11:10:18

He tries to get home from work for bath time. I've started saying "would you like to do bath time or make tea?" So he gets the hint. Must admit, I went out on Friday night and he had to fend for himself. He didn't make himself any tea. Last night, I also dashed out to see a friend in hospital, so he had no tea either!

I could do things on my own like go shopping or see friends but that's not why I had a baby. I wanted us to do things as a three.

mimiholls Sun 19-Mar-17 12:23:35

I really think you need to talk to him about how you're feeling. Can you tell him the things that you've just written down?

Joffmognum Sun 19-Mar-17 12:27:33

Him playing once a month is reasonable and beneficial for his mental health. Once a week is selfish.

My DP's car needed doing up when DS was 3 months old. He spent hours a night reading up on it and one day put of each weekend playing mechanic. I didn't like it, I felt lonely, but on Sundays he'd make every effort to do what I wanted. We'd go where I wanted to go, he'd make me whatever food and hot drinks I wanted, and apart from breastfeeding did pretty much all the childcare. Now at 6 months PP the car is fixed and we're back to normal. It wasn't a selfish hobby, it was utilitarian to save on mechanic fees we couldn't afford.

We also do a very even split on evening chores. If it doesn't feel fair it probably isn't.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sun 19-Mar-17 12:27:36

Honestly, golf is not a suitable hobby for anyone with a young baby, it takes too bloody long! And I say that as a utter golf fanatic myself.

There are 2 separate issues here.
One is the all day golf every single Saturday (and I'm guessing the odd Sunday away day) which is really too much.
The other is that golf took him away from you in the first precious days.
You need to come to terms with the latter, and then deal with the active problem.

Plenty of fathers I know played golf every week pre baby.
Afterwards? Not so much.
Most clubs have a monthly medal, playing one week out of four is still competitive.
Even if does play every weekend, it shouldn't be taking the whole day

user1489875480 Sun 19-Mar-17 12:47:18

Thanks for your replies. I know I need to get over the initial hurt. It's done and I need to move on.

Mums, what do you think is acceptable? I was thinking of saying 3x a month then we block off one weekend a month just for us.

The thing that frustrates me is I book activities. We swim on Sunday afternoons and have done the occasional activity on Saturdays. I book these hoping he'll enjoy family life but what he does is just wrap golf around these so he'll play golf then get home 5 mins before we set off swimming. Or he will boom golf on the other day. I get hurt when I chat to the other mums and they'll say they've been out for lunch or a walk (as a family).

I went out on Friday night and was really looking forward to it but I had to put on a front when the other mum's said their partners were doing the childcare on Saturday morning. I knew I couldn't really drink more than a glass or two as my husband was golfing the next morning.

I have also tried doing loads of great things when he's golfing. I honestly thought he'd feel left out. We've been to loads of nice places near and far. I thought he would change his mind but I don't think he's bothered and that's the saddest thing.

When I tell him he just says "I work 10hr days, drive a lot and never go out in the evenings. Golf is the only thing I do to relax and I need it for my health. It's the only time when I don't think about work or anything else."

So....what's acceptable? X

Joffmognum Sun 19-Mar-17 12:47:56

"Now he makes me seem at fault for saying mean things."

Playing golf with a premature baby and a wife recovering from surgery is not normal. I was so angry at my DP when he spent 4 hours playing video games at a friends house at 4 days PP, but it just took one conversation to explain how it made me feel and he's never done that again without asking if it's okay first (although at 6 months PP it matters a lot less these days).

I'm detecting a couple of red flags. First of all, check out the freedom project and see if any of the abusive men described seem like your husband - abuse is not just about physical violence, it can also be based on emotional manipulation.

If you feel like your partner just doesn't understand, really take the time to explain yourself in ways that don't directly put blame on him. For example, "You make me feel bad when you go golfing" could make him feel defensive, even if it sounds reasonable to you.

"When I'm alone with the baby on a weekend, I feel lonely. I feel low when I'm by myself with the baby for so long. Could we spend every other Saturday doing a family activity, as the three of us? It would really help me feel appreciated." Might get you further.

If he doesn't respond to that, maybe ask if you see a relationship councillor.

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