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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Tell me it would be fine if I have a little girl with an older brother?

38 replies

mummarichardson · 18/03/2017 20:25

Starting to plan baby no2 and I currently have a 22 month old DS. I really want another baby but I am terrified that if I have a girl then he will be as awful to her as my brother was to me. I am not talking a little bit of sibling rivalry but he actually abused me emotionally and physically regularly from a very young age. He HATED me. Still to this day although we are civil and I would be very upset if something happened to him we don't have a close relationship at all and I still feel scarred by some of his actions. Can someone tell me that it would be okay and this isn't the norm? Please tell me some stories of older brothers being lovely to their younger sisters? I know I could very well have a boy and all of this would be redundant but I am so worried about having a girl it's putting me off trying for another. My son is in a happy and secure family, we love him and he is such a happy go lucky little boy who gets on really well with his female cousins.

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Pestilentialone · 18/03/2017 20:35

My big brother is one of my best friends. Much closer than either of my sisters.
What you went through is not normal. Just be a good enough parent and your DC will be fine.

BigcatLittlecat · 18/03/2017 20:37

My big brothers are my beat friends. Your parenting will help them be friends. Go for it!

MiniLop · 18/03/2017 20:39

I have an older brother who is 13 months older than me. We bickered sometimes growing up but I absolutely adored him, and still do now!

DramaAlpaca · 18/03/2017 20:39

It's not the norm. DH is big brother to his sisters and they are very close. It will be fine, your experience means you will make sure it's fine.

TittyGolightly · 18/03/2017 20:40

My sister and I hate each other. It's one of the reasons I stopped at one TBH. It's a risk whatever sex they are.

CountryCaterpillar · 18/03/2017 20:45

My younger brother was similar to me as your was, I always wanted an older brother who was able to look out for me!

I'm sure much of it will be how you parent them x

MinnieMinchkin · 18/03/2017 20:48

My big brother and I fought like cat and dog at times, but nothing out of the ordinary. Other times we got on, and we get on OK now. You never can tell how siblings will get on, no matter the age gap or gender. Don't let your experience put you off, or be over-sensitive to the friction in normal sibling relationships

MamaHanji · 18/03/2017 20:53

My brother is 4 years old than me and my sister is 2.5 years older than me. When we were young, my brother and sister were best friends. My brother and I didn't get on well as we were both strong personalities, but when he turned 16-17 it all changed. And now we are 22,24,26 we are really very very close.

But even though my brother was (normal) horrible to me, he was my protective big brother too! No one was allowed to be mean to me except him!

I'm so sorry your brother was really horrible to you, but try not to let that worry you as a sibling is such a gift!

Believeitornot · 18/03/2017 20:54

I think the parenting is the biggest influence on sibling relationships.
I have an older boy and younger daughter. They get on incredibly well but fight at times. They're 5&7.
I make sure we never take sides, even if I might think it was the fault of the one. To be honest it rarely is when they're young.
Ask try not to bring your own history in to this. There's a risk that you will inadvertently go harder on your eldest because of the history with your brother.

I would read siblings without rivalry. It really helped me (although I got on well with my brother!)

BuggertheTabloids · 18/03/2017 20:57

My brother was awful to me when I was younger. I hated him.
However, it was a phase he grew out of. We are now very close and he is a wonderful brother, we support each other and I value his friendship enormously.

ShelaghTurner · 18/03/2017 21:00

I don't have an older brother but a younger one. We're in our forties now and still best friends, see each other often and live 5 minutes apart. I couldn't have asked for a better sibling.

My two dds on the other hand... 😡🙄

LorLorr2 · 18/03/2017 21:05

Oh, I'm so sorry that that was your experience of having a big bro! Mine were just lovely to me and I'm so grateful to have them. I'm not sure how they came to be so nurturing, but I'd imagine that teaching your son to be gentle, kiss her on the head and teach her things would help set them on a good path as a starter. When he is a fluent speaker you could tell him things to make him proud of looking after her like 'some brothers aren't as good as you, but you are a star aren't you' etc. It's absolutely possible for male and female siblings to have a good relationship so please be reassured!

Rinkydinkypink · 18/03/2017 21:09

I have an older ds and younger dd and they adore each other! Nothing to be concerned over

AnnoyedByAlfieBear · 18/03/2017 21:12

Your experience is not normal.
I have a 4yo DS and a 2yo DD and they adore each other. They do annoy each other sometimes but they are really best friends most of the time.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 18/03/2017 21:14

My DS is (some days) the most loving, perceptive, caring big brother and on other days a right iittle manipulative monkey.

You should talk to someone about your brother... find a way to work through it and not blight your family. What he did was not acceptable, not normal and not what most siblings are like.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 18/03/2017 21:25

Your DS sounds like a lovely little boy, I have DD with older brothers and they dote on her she's the boss

Notwhatiexpected · 18/03/2017 21:31

Goodness, I have an older boy and a younger girl, they LOVE each other. They are a proper little team, nearly 3 years age difference. If my daughter hurts herself or is upset, the boy will beat me to her, and vice versa. Don't worry a jot.

mummarichardson · 18/03/2017 22:08

Thank you everyone I cannot tell you how much better all your responses have made me feel. It makes a lot of sense that it comes down to parenting and that I shouldn't project my own issues on to him. Thank you so much

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LovingLola · 18/03/2017 22:12

Mine are mid teens (Dd) and young adult (Ds). They have a terrific relationship now. Did have rocky patches along the way, but he is her go to person now when she is looking for advice that she doesn't want to hear from her mum and dad ! He is very kind to her.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 18/03/2017 22:14

It still makes a lot of sense to think carefully of your own history - so you break the cycle and also so you don't overcompensate either.

Parenting books are a cliche but so so helpful for learning how to parent fairly.

ilovepixie · 18/03/2017 22:23

You can't guarantee siblings will get on. My sister and I argued as kids and my bother and I were close mainly as I was 13 years older than him and was like a second mum. None I never hear from my brother but my sister and I are close, I love her to bits and would do anything for her.

corythatwas · 18/03/2017 23:44

My big brother was very protective of me- still is. A very lovely man.

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SeaEagleFeather · 19/03/2017 08:14

I wonder if it would be an idea to space them a little bit apart so they're not competing too much for the same resources. That's always a stress-point

I wanted two about 2 years apart. it didn't happen like that, it ended up 6 years apart but actually it works very well because they don't compete much for the same things. 6 years is probably too far apart in an ideal world, but I wonder if 3 -4 might be a good thing.

Allthebubbles · 19/03/2017 09:13

I have just over 3yrs between my son and daughter and they are great together. I think a slightly bigger gap helps as my son is definitely the oldest and can understand he gets both more grown up treats but also that he needs to cut his sister a bit of slack as she is little. I think their respective personalities help too.
My sister and I are so close now but fought a lot from middle childhood till end of teens.
I do notice some friends talk about how having a second has been negative for their first which I hate and I'm sure will impact on how their child views their sibling. I think acknowledging the change to the family is fine but not keep on about how it's so hard etc.
If you are really worried maybe try and talk through things about your brother with a counsellor as he really sounds outside normal whereas your son may do the odd thing through sibling rivalry( which is normal) and as people have said it would be easy to project and panic.

TinyPawz · 19/03/2017 09:44

My big brother is so protective of me it is really not normal. We had a lovely childhood. The age difference is 3.5years.

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