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How do you stop your kid hanging about with the bad kid?

(8 Posts)
teaandakitkat Mon 13-Mar-17 13:39:42

My 11 yr old has been going out to the park with his friends for a while.
A new kid has joined their school, he has been permanently excluded from his last school because of his behaviour. He's now started coming to the park and wanting to play with my son and his friends.
It's not the kid's fault, his parents are notorious for their own behaviour and their poor parenting.
But all the same, I don't want my son spending time with him, especially not out on his own without an adult around.
Examples of the behaviour I've seen from this boy are throwing eggs at windows and passing cars, running in front of cars, standing in the middle of the road making rude gestures at cars and refusing to move, urinating in peoples gardens, shouting 'boo' really loudly at elderly people walking along the road, just awful anti-social behaviour really.

My problem is what to say to my son about dealing with this boy. I want to say "I do not want you to spend time with X, if I see you with him you'll not be allowed out again. He is bad news. Stay away from him." But this is not going to work. I don't want to say 'this boy is bad', that doesn't seem fair.
And I don't want to stop my son going out, because he and his friends were fine out and about until X joined them. So all the good kids lose out? Doesn't seem fair either.
What do you say? What do you do?
I'm lucky in many ways, my son is quite honest, he'll come home and tell me what X has said, the things he's suggested they should do, and my boy knows quite clearly what is and is not ok. So far, the 'good' kids are overpowering the bad, but I can see a couple of them being swayed by the excitement of it all.
How do you help them be brave enough to actually walk away? It's one thing to know it's not ok to throw eggs, it's another to actually turn around and walk away when they're all shouting after you about how pathetic you are. It's really hard.
What do you say when he says "we're all going to X's house after school, is that ok?" I just said no, sorry, you're not going. But how do you word it? I can't say 'no, I don't want you going there, he's not a good kid and they are not a good family'. I'm finding this really hard. I"ve never really had to deal with this before, my boys and their pals have been a pretty innocent bunch up till now.

Any real life experiences or suggestions would be much appreciated.

I know it's not the boy's fault, which is why I'm so reluctant to be honest with my son about why I want him to stay away. His parents are hopeless, it's really sad. But my responsibility is to my own kids. Police, social services and school are already heavily involved with him so it's not like he just needs some nice kids to be nice to him and it will all turn out fine....

Am I just a horrible snob? I don't think so, I"m a pretty average person with pretty average kids.

This is hard.

teaandakitkat Mon 13-Mar-17 13:40:06

And sorry, that was very long. All my frustration just pouring out........

nonameinspiration Mon 13-Mar-17 13:44:44

I don't know but can you kind of plug the gap somehow. Have you invited this kid to your house? As in can you try and encourage spending time hanging out at your house playing Xbox or whatever instead of loitering and risking anti social behaviour?

Iseeunicorns Mon 13-Mar-17 13:44:54

Maybe the lad needs "average" kids to be his friends so he can learn to be an "average" kid.

Your son knows what's right and wrong and if he starts to partake in similar behaviours then pull the plug on the friendship. Until then I'd watch carefully but from a distance. Look out for changes in behaviour, attitude etc.

Maybe that little lad just doesn't know how to be a little lad.

When asked about going to the house invite them round yours instead? It's not easy but it'll be even more difficult to keep them apart when you aren't their watching them.

TinklyLittleLaugh Mon 13-Mar-17 13:50:49

I think it's okay to say he's not a good kid and they're not a good family. You have a small window to influence your kids; once they reach their teens it becomes much harder. Draw your line in the sand now. Talk about long term consequences of things like ASBOs. Tel him you are very proud of him for walking away.

Yes it's a shame for the boy, but don't sacrifice your son to your liberal views.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 14-Mar-17 12:04:08

Ask him if he knows what his own actions would be if the police were called when he was say at the park with x and they were all guilty of antisocial behaviour (by association)?
When my ds was a teen he was taken down the police station for mooning at an old lady (shock) and he was terrified!!
Remind him you won't be standing by him if he is in trouble when it could easily be avoided by better choices.

corythatwas Tue 14-Mar-17 22:55:34

I would certainly explain how if they will all get into trouble with the police if they are in the same group where antisocial behaviour is happening- he may not realise this.

The other thing, and one that I have found most helpful, is to always make it very clear to dc that if they end up in trouble of any kind I will never be interested in hearing that it was so-and-so's idea, or so-and-so talked me into it, or so-and-so was just as bad: I will only be interested in how they behave.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 15-Mar-17 15:00:11

There is nothing wrong with talking to your child about how some people do not make acceptable friends. This is a lesson ALL kids need to learn. Using compassion, tell your child your concerns about this kid's behavior, and explain to your son about this kid's parents and upbringing. Tell your son how this poor kid has never been properly nurtured, and because of this, his behavior is unacceptable. Tell you son about the dangers of letting other people influence our behavior, and definitely explain to him the dangers of "guilty by association." Your son needs to be empowered to make good choices as for who he decides to be friends with.

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