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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

How can i say NO to family visits

86 replies

Hyland · 08/03/2017 14:50

Sister in law reduced hours at work.

To see neice every week.

This wasnt discussed with me but I believe it was with my partner.

I dont like that this arrangment was set up without me fully understanding.

It annoys me that I assume I am expected to see her same day every week.

If i make an excuse I feel it will only result in my partner being offended.

I dont like them having a hold over me where I feel commited to seeing her every week. Despite it being only for an hour or two, it is more the principle.

OP posts:

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SmallBee · 08/03/2017 14:52

How old is your DD? can you go out while SIL bsbysits so you don't have to see her?

Failing that can you be busy on that day? Perhaps DD has a class you need her to go to?

Hyland · 08/03/2017 14:54

7 weeks old

I have no intention of leaving her to babysit.

Live in the middle of the countryside so I am usually home.

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Hyland · 08/03/2017 14:56

My first born child (different father) was also never left with anyone, babysitting. Not until tge age of 2 and half ish.

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SilverdaleGlen · 08/03/2017 14:56

Sorry your SIL has gone PT at work to see your DD, am I reading that right?

That's properly BONKERS

Hyland · 08/03/2017 14:59

Yep she has booked the afternoon off work Permanently.

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Corabell · 08/03/2017 14:59

Seriously? She has changed her hours to see her niece every week? That sounds very strange and over invested. I adore my niece and see lots of her but I wouldn't change my working pattern.

At 7 weeks old your baby is too young to be left for very long and even then only if you want to do so.

Hyland · 08/03/2017 15:01

It is called condensed hours.

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Hyland · 08/03/2017 15:03

I think she had this fantasy idea of being able to take her for walks.

I am not that sort of person, and have no intention of allowing this.

However i do feel cornered.

Every week i get a text asking how i am doing. Knowing that what will follow, will be can she come over.

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Summerof85 · 08/03/2017 15:03

I agree with Silver, this is a bit strange. Also the fact that your DP and her discussed this with each other but not you. I would say you are under no obligation to see her at the same time every week. If she has went part time, that was her decision, not yours. I wouldn't be leaving a 7 week old baby either. However in the future maybe she could babysit. I would also be telling DP not to make arrangements with people without discussing it with you first.

LePetitPont · 08/03/2017 15:04

That is very odd! Perhaps she will get fed up and do something different with her spare afternoon. However, I'd definitely go with finding something else to do - the only baby sensory class happened to clash, what a shame?!!

SmallBee · 08/03/2017 15:06

7 weeks? That's brand new! Definitely not the babysitting route then, far to soon.
I'd be out or busy on that day. Perhaps see her every now and then but not weekly, that's rather presumptuous of her.

Hyland · 08/03/2017 15:07

Now that our baby is 7 weeks old I think they have all realised that I dint need anyone to look after baby to shower or have a break. I manage quite well, with some planning and organisation. I do get agitated when i get the weekly text, knowing that her polite request to come round is in fact an expectation!

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bloodyteenagers · 08/03/2017 15:08

Aw such a shame. The mum and baby session is on that exact day. Oh well.

I can be very childish. I would arrange it that he sees someone on a weekly basis without bothering to talk to him about it. See how he likes it. Wouldn't be a mate that he could bugger off to the pub with either.

Corabell · 08/03/2017 15:08

Ignore the text or head her off :

" we are great thanks, just off out, speak later, byeeeeee"

bloodyteenagers · 08/03/2017 15:10

And he can take his feeling offended and shove it. He should have thought about the impact on you before arranging anything.

Hyland · 08/03/2017 15:11

If I ask for the car every Wednesday my partner will know I'm avoiding her.

This will very quickly blow up in my face.

I will add that she is over 10 years younger than me and has no children of her own.

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NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 08/03/2017 15:12

Condensing work hours to visit a baby? That's a new one.

Yes, make yourself "busy." At that exact date and time. Permanently.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 15:14

Well I think she is bonkers! But unless you are getting plenty of time to yourself anyway (by DH taking over babycare) then I would grab this with both hands and make the most of it by going off and doing my own thing. I might even ask her if she would come every week same time and day because there was X class I wanted to take. She might be feeling a bit taken for granted by that and back off

Hyland · 08/03/2017 15:14

I have ignored her text.

I am now waiting for him to text me and ask if I've heard from his sister and replied.

Awkward

Feels like I am starting an argument.

Being made to feel like I am being unreasonsble.

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ScarlettFreestone · 08/03/2017 15:15

I'd be annoyed at this too. I don't like having my time managed for me.

The danger with a standaibg arrangement is that she will eventually feel entitled to that time and aggrieved if it's not available. I might occasionally arrange to have a doctor's appointment or similar at that time so that I could legitimately say no without offence.

Corabell · 08/03/2017 15:15

Well sometimes you need a nap after being up with the baby at night. Usually a Wednesday afternoon nap.

Are you close to SIL? Would you spend time on your own with her prior to the birth of your baby?

ZilphasHatpin · 08/03/2017 15:16

Wouldn't be a mate that he could bugger off to the pub with either.

No it would have to be one of OPs family wouldn't it? Perhaps she has an eccentric uncle who likes to talk about his vegetable plot.

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taptonaria27 · 08/03/2017 15:17

I think it's a bit unfair to ignore but if you don't want to see her then come up with something else you're doing - new mum friends, nap etc to put her off before it becomes a habit. Do you not like her? I wouldn't have minded a chat over a cuppa every Wednesday afternoon frankly

Littleballerina · 08/03/2017 15:18

Maybe she's trying to be nice and genuinely doesn't understand that it's a little too much.
Talk to your partner. Explain how you feel.

bloodyteenagers · 08/03/2017 15:21

How about Just about to nap.
If the response from either is to be pissed off then let the argument happen. It's going to happen sooner rather than later. But to be pissed a new born and mum sleeping is low and deserves them being told.

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