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Partner stressed by our baby.

(102 Posts)
user1488925414 Tue 07-Mar-17 22:40:20

Hello,

Im looking for some advice on how to help my partner.

My partner is constantly 'stressed out' by our nine month old baby. He gets so wound up by the slightest thing, whether our little one plays with her dinner, or is trying to grab something she shouldn't, even if she's being a little chatterbox, or struggling to sleep; all of these things, plus more, (which I deem as our daughter just being an exploring baby) stress him out.

Since her birth I have witnessed my partner shout at our baby for not going to sleep, put her dinner in the bin because she's being a little fussy, I am embarrassed to admit this but I've even heard him call her names (of which I can't bare to repeat let alone write on here!)

My partner has never offered to help out with our daughter, I always have to ask him. It got to the stage where, a few months back, my partner had almost no interaction with our daughter, so I started to encourage him to do things like dinner time and bedtime with her, just for them to bond. But now he gets so stressed by her (and I don't understand why because our daughter is as good as gold!) that I can feel myself getting anxious and upset about him carrying out these routines.

I've tried to talk to my partner about his temper several times but he insists that his behaviour is 'just who he is.' My partner has also blamed his 'feeling stressed' on me, insisting that he's not 'getting enough' (if you know what I mean) and states that our relationship is 's**t!' 😥

My partner's mother has informed me that my partner doesn't want to have to look after our baby when he gets in from work, and that he just wants to put his feet up and relax. She has advised me that my role is to keep him happy and that means making sure I look after our daughter and let him do what he wants of an evening/weekend. His mother told me she has brought him up to believe that a woman should be the sole carer of her children (which I pretty much am anyway) and that I should be pandering to his every needs. Apparently my lack of doing so, is why he is stressed out 😥

Is this my fault?!

I cannot help feeling that, if what his mother says is actually what he wants (which he denys but then moans at me for not being able to go out with his mates or play the games console every night) then why is he still living with our daughter and me? I don't understand why he wanted to have children with me.

I really want to support my partner and to try and help him but I'm struggling to know what to do for the best. I found out recently that I'm pregnant with our second child and I'm absolutely terrified of bringing another baby into a household where my partner looses his temper so easily, and spends every day reminding me of all the things he can't do now he has children.

Does this behaviour sound normal for a new Dad? Am I over reacting when I say that I feel some of his actions are completely unacceptable (I would like to add here that my partner still goes out and gets absolutely bladdered once a week, every week, and is so hungover over the weekend he can barely function let alone look after a child!)

I'm really tempted to leave but I don't want to jeopardise the relationship my partner could have with our daughter. I don't want to break up a home, especially if he is struggling. I just feel like he regrets having our daughter, and this deverstates me - she is absolutely wonderful!!

This has been going on for nearly nine months now and I'm really worried about how this is impacting our daughter, and, moving forwards, our new arrival.

What can I do to help him?! 😥

AndShesGone Tue 07-Mar-17 22:43:14

You leave

He's a fucking useless waste of space and his mothers just as bad

That's how you 'help' him, by leaving so your daughter isn't bulllied by him any more

BitchPeas Tue 07-Mar-17 22:43:40

You can't do anything to help him. He's a functioning adult who's choosing to act like an arsehole. His mother sounds awful. Leave the pair of them too it. You deserve better, your daughter deserves better and your unborn baby deserves better.

cuddlesandchips Tue 07-Mar-17 22:44:19

Not much you can do if he doesn't acknowledge there is an issue.

FWIW you sound great and he (and his mother) sound like twats

JustFuckingReally Tue 07-Mar-17 22:45:45

Fuck helping him, help yourself and your child/ren!

GallivantingWildebeest Tue 07-Mar-17 22:46:19

Help him? Nothing.

You should be more concerned with helping your daughter.

You have a fucking useless selfish twat of a husband, and his mother is a poisonous old bat.

No, his behaviour is not normal at all.

nursebickypegs Tue 07-Mar-17 22:48:43

His mother needs a slap, and he needs a big slap too

Redken24 Tue 07-Mar-17 22:48:52

Leave as fast as you can. Your child is the priority here - If your scared and anxious. Stop wasting time and leave. I'm shocked at the fact your concerned about having a traditional home for your kids. Nothing nice about a scary dad and an anxious mum. You don't want to break up a home because he is struggling ? With what you have said he does nothing really and when he does he shouts.at a baby and you I presume.

OccasionalNachos Tue 07-Mar-17 22:50:01

That's so sad sad it's not normal at all.

Please think about leaving. It won't get better unless he (and his mother!) both have a complete about-turn in attitude and personality. A man would have to do a lot of work to get to a position where I'd trust him after that sort of behaviour. A father should be able to look after his own children competently as a bare minimum.

Wolfiefan Tue 07-Mar-17 22:50:43

He's an arse.
A decent father and any man worth the name will spend time with their child and not call it names.
He behaves badly as that's who he is? Well then he needs to leave.
And as for not getting enough!! hmm

user1488925414 Tue 07-Mar-17 22:51:53

I haven't stayed because I want a 'traditional family home' but I've been concerned that he may be suffering from depression, as the majority of this behaviour begun after bubba arrived. His family have a history of PND so I wondered if he was struggling with a similar thing, hence me wanting to help him smile

PickAChew Tue 07-Mar-17 22:52:30

If it's anyone's fault, it's his for being a dick and his mother's for teaching him to be a dick.

He's abusive to your baby and puts you down. He has no relationship worth not jeopardising with your daughter. He sees her as a nuisance to be tolerated or berated, as necessary.

PastysPrincess Tue 07-Mar-17 22:52:58

Oh Gosh I'm so sorry you are going through this. No, it is not normal behaviour on his part. No, it is not your "place" to pander to his "needs"

I would suggest he needs some counselling to sort his anger issues out and a good long think about what his priorities are.

Your not jeopardising anything; it's his behaviour that is doing that. I'm concerned by your post that he may be abusive. If that's the case then you need to leave. Dont wait until he loses his rag so much he shakes her or the newborn when they arrive.

Hawkmoth Tue 07-Mar-17 22:53:07

Run.

iremembericod Tue 07-Mar-17 22:53:31

He sounds awful at best, dangerous at worst

I think you need to leave

Mrscaindingle Tue 07-Mar-17 22:53:42

Not quite sure why you want to help him he sounds as if he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

How awful for your daughter to be subjected to his name calling and bad temper, I would be thinking about how I could help her by getting her away from him for good.

memyselfandaye Tue 07-Mar-17 22:54:24

How long before he hits her?

He will, he can't control his temper so he will lash out at her.

Toocleverformyowngood Tue 07-Mar-17 22:55:49

It won't get easier, it'll get harder.

Don't stay with a guy who thinks you should do all the work! It's better to be alone!

His mum is a dick too

PastysPrincess Tue 07-Mar-17 22:56:06

Suffering from depression is no excuse for being abusive either; if that is the case and he is ill, until he seeks the proper treatment and admits theres a problem there is nothing you can do but leave.

Redken24 Tue 07-Mar-17 22:56:30

He calls your child names , shout's at her, bins her food at nine months old? And you want to help him - help yourself and your kids. Leave.
You can't change people they have to change themselves. If my husband did anything like you described I'd tell him to GTF out our house.

PickAChew Tue 07-Mar-17 22:57:35

No he doesn't have PND. He's an impatient, abusive arsehole. He is not suffering from the hormonal crash which is usually at the centre of PND. He is simply inconvenience by having people around him who dare to make demands of him.

If he's so horrid to your DD as a baby, imagine what he'll be like with her when she reaches the terrible twos, or starts to become more independent at 5, or bloody bolshy and hormonal at 10. I doubt he'll stick with throwing her dinner in the bin.

Reddress89 Tue 07-Mar-17 22:57:44

Sorry you're going through this OP.

TBH - She's 9 months old not 10 years old. What does he expect from a baby? Of course she's going to explore and play with things she shouldn't (she doesn't know any better). He and his mother both sound very old fashioned with their opinions.

Perhaps try and calmly explain that his temper is making you nervous around your DD and tell him he needs to change or you will leave. Don't be afraid to leave. Its hard but if it's what's best, it will work about better for you in the long run.

Hugs to you x

blue2014 Tue 07-Mar-17 22:59:59

Please leave, my heart broke for your daughter on reading your post. He will seriously damage her self esteem, poor poor little girl. Please please leave flowers

ageingrunner Tue 07-Mar-17 23:01:00

You sound really nice, but he sounds really horrible. I think you have to leave really. Better for your children to live in a single parent home with a loving, supportive mum, than a 2 parent home with a stupid, lazy, waste of space arsehole who resents them and makes it clear he doesn't like them. Living like that will really damage their self-esteem I'm afraid.

IrregularCommentary Tue 07-Mar-17 23:01:33

No, this really isn't normal. His behaviour sounds really worrying. If this is how he behaved towards a 9mo baby, wtf is he going to be like when the toddler tantrums start or she starts answering back? I'd be really worried about that.

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