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I dislike my pre-schooler

(13 Posts)
Edgeofinsane Tue 07-Mar-17 19:32:19

Have two DC, 4 and 18 months old. The 4 year old is a nightmare, I can't cope with him and I'm starting to really dislike him.

He is just so naughty and rude. I set up play things and he trashes them. I cook dinner and he refuses to eat anything except pasta with tomato sauce. We go out for the day and he throws epic tantrums.

At nursery he is well behaved on the whole and does well reading and writing. Even though he isn't at school yet he is able to read very easy books and write. He is a great conversationalist but has no filter but he is empathetic and picks up on people's emotions. I asked nursery if he could be assessed for behavioural issues or if he might have special needs and they laughed and said definitely not (he does full four days).

DH is very hands on but neither of us can cope and we dread weekends. Our second DC is the total opposite and an absolute delight. He has his moments but you can reason with him or calm him down. With DC1 there is NOTHING we can do. It's making me really dislike him.

I don't know what to do. I asked my HV and she said it was normal but I don't see friends struggle in the same way we do.

Edgeofinsane Tue 07-Mar-17 19:34:12

And if it makes any difference me and DH are 42, have been married 16 years, both work, me four days in roles where we manage other people but we can't manage our own son.

Wolfiefan Tue 07-Mar-17 19:35:05

You don't dislike him. You dislike his behaviour. So deal with that. What consequences are there for tantrums or rudeness?

theothercatpurred Tue 07-Mar-17 19:36:07

Please can I recommend the book Calmer Happier Easier Parenting. It was recommended to me by someone on here and it really did help with our DS, he was quite hard work! Still is tbh but we can manage it better,and understand him better.

Igottastartthinkingbee Tue 07-Mar-17 19:42:19

I don't like mine much at times. He's in reception now and is a little sod at home but good as gold at school! Someone told me that they hold it together at school/nursery and then they release/relax when they're in their comfort zone. Apparently it means they feel very secure and safe with you so it's a back handed compliment of sorts! I always try to say positive things to him whenever possible but it's bloody hard to not just battle with him half the time.
But there's always a new phase around the corner. Fingers crossed he comes through the other side soon. winecakeflowers

StandAndBeCounted Tue 07-Mar-17 19:44:46

All children are different. Don't compare yourselves to others. I have 4 DC and DC2 was like your son. At nearly 6 she's just starting to calm down, but she still has her moments.

Its really hard to stay consistent when you have a child like that as it wears you down, but its important that you do. I use the supernanny naughty step system and reward sticker charts. Sometimes its easy to throw in the towel and think this isn't working, but don't. Keep on keeping on. Eventually he will learn there are consequences for bad behavior and rewards for good behaviour and that his life is much nicer when he behaves well.

My daughter was just like your son in that she was perfect at nursery and school. I don't think the teachers believed me about her behavior at home. But the fact that he behaves at school shows that he is capable of it and that he knows how to behave acceptably.

For my daughter I was very much a trigger for her bad behavior, I think because she sought attention from me, whether bad or good. There's not much you can do about that, except be aware of it and I find the two methods above really help with that as the child is getting what they need I.e. attention, but they learn the difference between positive and negative. It also helps you remain calm and in control if you have steps to follow.

Stay strong. Its tough times, but this too shall pass flowers

Edgeofinsane Tue 07-Mar-17 19:49:32

Will look up that book now.

He has a reward chart and can earn up to 6 stars a day plus ad-hoc ones but he rarely gets them at the moment, even easy ones like brushing teeth when told to. When he gets enough in a week he gets a nice treat of his choice. When he is naughty or rude he is told to sit for four minutes to think about it and a toy is taken away for 24 hours. Again he doesn't care.

He is becoming a liability like today I asked him to hold my hand and walk nicely but he wanted to run to jump in some mud so bit my hand, wriggled away, ran off and ran over a road (very quiet village with good line of sight but to me that is horrific) I was in floods of tears, I can't let that happen.

Wolfiefan Tue 07-Mar-17 19:52:23

Don't let go. Hold tight. If he won't hold your hand I would make him wear reins. Yep even at that age.
You can't burst into tears. I'm sorry. I know kids can be bloody hard work but you need to (at least look!!) calm and in control.
Maybe vary the consequence. Time out never worked for mine. What does he care about! My youngest would hate to be banned from TV. Eldest would hate to miss sport!

Edgeofinsane Tue 07-Mar-17 19:56:04

Floods of tears after the event because of what happened not because he bit me and wriggled and squirmed like a crazy thing. I have tried reins but he sits down screaming and just gets them off (if I can get them on him)

Edgeofinsane Tue 07-Mar-17 19:57:42

I should add I've worked in crisis management and dealt with very difficult situations, I'm well known for being ultra calm to the point of detached. Apart from with him.

StandAndBeCounted Tue 07-Mar-17 20:02:30

Because nothing has ever mattered to you as much as he does.

You're doing all the right things. Just keep doing what you're doing. You've got to be consistent. He and you will get there.

In the mean time, a large glass of wine after he goes to bed helps winewink

Wolfiefan Tue 07-Mar-17 20:04:07

It's stressful. Being a parent is incredibly hard.
I don't understand how he gets reins off though. Don't let him. Some things are non negotiable. Don't let go.

Jamhandprints Tue 07-Mar-17 20:17:42

No advice but my 3 year old is the same and I was thinking the same last night so it's kind of a relief to know I'm not the only one. Anything I ask him to do, he finds it hilarious to do the opposite. Mostly dangerous things. I don't know why. My 5 yr old was never like this. I have fantasised about adoption!

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