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AIBU to not trust my parents?

(223 Posts)
lalathebear Fri 03-Mar-17 10:53:24

I work three days a week and we don't use childcare for my lb because he'll be starting school soon and as a teacher I don't want to pay for holidays as well because I'd like to have him then. Anyway... my dh looks after him two days a week and our parents take it in turns to look after him the other day we need. I don't mind when my mil has him because the worst that happens is he eats his weight in biscuits! My parents are different though because after yesterday I don't trust them.

My Lb is well behaved (he has his moments obviously but soon comes round again after a bit of a strop) but even more so if someone else has him for the day. However yesterday he came home super clingy telling me that he was a naughty boy and saying sorry over and over. On top of this my dh said when he picked him up from my mums he screamed in the car and said his leg hurt. By the time he came him there was nothing there and I put it down to maybe his bum was sore because my parents hadn't changed him since the morning and he's done wee all afternoon. But when I asked why he was naughty he said my mum had shouted at him because he was a naughty boy.

Growing up I was constantly being smacked and told off for even the slightest little thing and I'm really worried it's happening again but to my lb. mum my is very well practiced at smacking legs and has a knack of doing it so it stings for a while but leaves no marks after a few minutes. AIBU not to trust her or is it just paranoia and me jumping to conclusions? If I ask her she'll have a massive go at me because we are currently not getting on well at all because she doesn't like the way i parent and says I've ruined hers and my family's life for years.

clairethewitch70 Fri 03-Mar-17 10:56:50

I wouldn't send him there. It sounds like he has been smacked. Did you find out what he had done 'naughty'. Could your PIL have him every week?

LemonBreeland Fri 03-Mar-17 10:58:09

Even if your Mum isn't smacking him the fact that he came home so upset and apologising for being naughty means that she has clearly been going on at him for some length of time to make him that way. I would not want my child to be that upset.

babyblabber Fri 03-Mar-17 10:58:19

You're not being paranoid. If that's how she parented you then why do you think she wouldn't do the same with your son? Did you discuss smacking etc when she started minding him? To be honest I'm surprised you let her mind him given your own experience. I would not be leaving him there again

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 03-Mar-17 10:59:10

Her parenting ways have stuck with you til adulthood so it's your duty really not to put your ds through the same. . Supervised visits only would be my advice. ..

lalathebear Fri 03-Mar-17 12:10:41

Thank you everyone. I've got no choice because I have to go to work because we need the money. My PIL work too so can't have him every week unfortunately. My mum has also threatened to seek legal action if I don't let her see my son and said she will claim I am an unfit parent and that she HAS to have care of him.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:12:43

No job only is worth your dc mental and physical health. The fact she is trying to control you now as an adult should be more reason to keep him away surely? Nursery or child minder works for other people. ...

Gowgirl Fri 03-Mar-17 12:20:42

I would stop contact and look into a term time childminder.

MrsDustyBusty Fri 03-Mar-17 12:23:51

It sounds like the little mite was very upset.

Have you asked your Mum what happened? I don't think she sounds like childcare I'd use again but I'd like to know what was worth worrying about small child like that.

PuffinDodger Fri 03-Mar-17 13:30:48

Yanbu. Are you going to stop using her for childcare? I think you should.

ChippyDucks Fri 03-Mar-17 13:37:41

Wtf? You're letting her bully you into having your ds. I would cut contact and send him to a nursery/childminder for the remaining day you need childcare every week.

lalathebear Fri 03-Mar-17 13:41:44

We can't afford childcare right now as we are too much in debt still. She's also said it's her right to see her grandchild as she'll go to a solicitor saying I'm unfit to look after him myself

NerrSnerr Fri 03-Mar-17 13:41:48

Of course you have a choice. You are willing to send your son to someone you know has form for smacking children who came home so awfully distressed because you don't want to pay for childcare? Ah well if he gets abused, at least you've save a few pounds.

NerrSnerr Fri 03-Mar-17 13:42:28

It's not her right to see her grandchild. It is your duty to protect your child though.

BertieBotts Fri 03-Mar-17 13:44:53

Speak to your debtors and explain you cant afford the bills. You should be able to get payments reduced. Also, look into taz credits for help with childcare costs.

This is not sustainable or acceptable.

Blossomdeary Fri 03-Mar-17 13:45:26

Stop contact - find a child minder for that day.

Why on earth would you send him there in the first place when you know what your mother is like as a parent? Does not make any sense at all.

Ignore her nonsense about going to court - another good reason not to have sent him there in the first place. She has no rights; and even if she tried it on you have sound reasons not to send him there.

Under what circumstances did she say she would go to court?

Get that poor wee man out of there now! He only has you and your OH to defend his interests - a job you must do.

I had parents who smacked and who argued incessantly. When ours were little we wrote a will specifying that if we both died the children should go to my brother and his wife - no way would I have wanted them to go to my parents. My parents of course never knew about this will. I would suggest that you write a will right now!

BertieBotts Fri 03-Mar-17 13:45:35

Ignore her bleating about rights. She is talking out of her are.

danTDM Fri 03-Mar-17 13:51:29

I was hit as a child so my parents have absolutely no contact with my lovely DD, I don't want her exposed to that crap ever.
They did beat me though/broke my nose etc.

I wouldn't send him back there sad

CMamaof4 Fri 03-Mar-17 13:51:55

You are ok with sending your son to someone who you think may have hit him? Because you cant afford childcare? Since when did money come before a childs wellbeing?
If you are in england your child is entitled to a certain amount of hours free childcare after the age of 3 years old. You could put him in as term time only..

NapQueen Fri 03-Mar-17 13:53:37

You need to finad alternative care. A Childminder really isnt too expensive. And if yours and dhs income isnt massive you can get help from the government.

NapQueen Fri 03-Mar-17 13:54:35

If you cant find a CM or cant afford one then can ILs do that one day a week every week?

BaymaxismyHero Fri 03-Mar-17 13:56:08

Ask her if she hit him.
Grandparents have no automatic rights over their grandchildren. She's talking bollox!

WyfOfBathe Fri 03-Mar-17 13:59:46

What Nerr said: It's not her right to see her grandchild. It is your duty to protect your child though.

Is there nobody else who could look after him? You, DH, PIL, a good friend (who you might pay, but less than you would pay professional childcare?

stonecircle Fri 03-Mar-17 14:00:55

There must be an alternative solution. I certainly wouldn't send him to someone who is threatening/bullying you. That speaks volumes about her character and unsuitability to look after a small child. You need to stand up to her.

Gearsforfears Fri 03-Mar-17 14:02:57

Under no circumstances send him back there. If you do you are mistreating him just like she is.

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