Bored of being a servant

[NicLovesCheese]

I'm just soooooo bored of making dinner after dinner after dinner.... And making cups of squash... and shopping and thinking of dinners..... and tidying up sh*t... and hoovering (only when it's really desperate) and answering yells across the house of "Muuuuuummmmm"

My husband is actually quite good with some things, sorts out the bills and puts the bins out etc, but he does not cook, or even prepare food, and I've clearly encouraged this by doing everything for 7 years but now I'm doing meals for us and our kid three times a day sometimes and "we" keep saying we need to eat more healthily and give DD more healthy options but I'm so freaking tired all the time and you can bet as soon as everyone is served and I sit my ass down there will be a cry of "can I have some ketchup?" "can I have more squash?" And that's just the husband (joke!)
I've been a slave too long, how do I claw it back?!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

How old are the children? Would they be old enough to sit down and explain to them that you are no longer going to respond when they shout you? That in future, if they want you, they are to come and find you?

Do they have jobs too? Are their cups and squash reachable? Do they need a stop, to reach the tap?

I'd have a word with your husband too and ask him to cook at least one meal at the weekend, which he sorts out, from checking on ingredients to washing up.

If you are that tired, are you looking after yourself? Do you do any exercise, ear well and get the odd early night? Do you see friends and have some time away from the family?

[afatalflaw]

Sometimes I think it becomes so ingrained we do it automatically and others automatically look to us to do it. If you have just sat down and get asked for ketchup etc just say, 'Daddy will get that for you'. He can hardly complain without looking like an utter lazy arse sexist and it will start getting the children used to asking someone other than you. If he makes a comment about everyone eating healthier etc just ask him what he is going to cook and when. Introduce changes gradually and stop feeling as though it has to be you.

[NicLovesCheese]

Thank you so much for your replies, JJJ and afatalflaw, you make VERY good points. Sorry I posted and ran the other day, had to go to work then was too chicken to check back.

I spoke to DH who was actually really lovely about it and apologetic, although he's also saying I need to teach him to cook. My answer to that was, follow the instructions on the pizza box if it comes to it! It sounds lame, but I've drawn up a month's worth of meals and shopping lists for us to rotate so I don't have to use my brain... And he is going to be doing a couple of meals in the week and a roast at the weekend (for some reason he is fine doing a roast?! More manly is it??)

My daughter is 6, and I think as a side effect of PTSD and PND or possibly just being mental I have probably molly coddled her a bit. She will help out if asked but I think some set jobs could be really helpful. She's perfectly capable. And I need to get a stool for the kitchen so she can make her own squash etc, that just makes sense. You're right, I've taken it on myself and to be honest it doesn't do them any good - I hate to think how they'd cope if I wasn't around- not in a big headed way but you know!!
I have definitely started the "Daddy will do that", he's the kinda guy who does not take hints, direct instruction needed! Hey daddy I know you're gazing into space/scratching your balls but as I've just sat down can you get the ketchup??

Ahh it sounds so ridiculous but man it grates. All day today my daughter has been calling "muuuum" even when her dad is right next to her, or if we're all in the car?! If I go to the loo she's "where's mum?" and I'm now "doing work" in the room next door simply for some peace. VERY CLINGY.

Anyway, ranty rant rant. Thank you for listening/reading x

[NicLovesCheese]

Oh and I do eat/exercise ok at the moment JJJ, but I can't claim to have any kind of life away from the family apart from work, which is also with kids as I teach!
How do you do that...? I don't really have many friends where we now live, and I teach privately so no real colleagues... Maybe I should invite some mummy friends out with NO KIDS...

[Oly5]

Poor you! I have a hands on DH but I'm still teaching my three and five year old to fend for themselves a bit. There's a stool in the kitchen so they can wash their hands and fill a water cup. If I sit down and they want something I say "but you have legs" unless it's something they really need me for in which case I say "sure, I'll do it when I get up".
You need time alone to yourself - can't you leave your kids with hubby for half a day while you get a massage/your nails done/lay in bed doing nothing. You can return the favour with DH so you both get a bit of time to yourselves

[Blossomdeary]

I tried to work out how many meals I have planned, shopped for and cooked in 47 years of marriage and 3 children - it made my head hurt. I have totally gone off it now and a lot of ready meals are consumed!

[NicLovesCheese]

You guys are so lovely! I wasn't sure if I was being a complete moaning minnie! (I kind of am, but still)
I do actually get some time to myself in the week, and like some kind of idiot I've been spending it catching up with housework, or trying to sell things for extra cash... talk about a glutton for punishment! I could easily be drinking champers in the bath and reading novels and no one would even know!! A MASSAGE!!!! That is an amazing idea!!! (Says the woman who can't even manage to book a haircut)

OK, me time, this is definitely the answer! As it probably is for a lot of mums huh? I saw a phrase the other day which resonated- "You can't pour from an empty cup" True, right?!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

So glad you've had a chat with your DH and he's going to be cooking more. And yes, definitely arrange a night out with your friends, do it now!

If he's saying he can't cook, my BF's DH said the same and she bought him this book. He soon realised she meant business

If you had/have PTSD & PNI, did you have a traumatic birth? Have you ever had a debrief or talked to the Birth Trauma Association?

My DD sounds very much like yours, sometimes the only breaks I get are when she's at school or asleep. Does she do much out of the house like Rainbows? The cricket season is about to start so it might be worth asking your local club if they have a junior section.

And lastly, have you got the stool yet and have you stopped responding when the family shout you?

[NicLovesCheese]

I can't help it, it's automatic!! Muuuuummmmm? Yeeeeeeeessss??

Haha, do you ever feel like you need to just sit down and figure out what you need to do?! I will talk to her, she's a really good girl generally, if I explain that she needs to be more independent i think she will take it on board, and then I need to make sure I follow through!

The BTA are AMAZING! Yes to traumatic birth, I have had a debrief and after CBT my life has changed so much! However I don't know if I will ever be fully healed, I still really suffer when friends have babies (like recently) but I know I can cope now, which is big. I lost my best group of friends around that time as they were all free and single and we completely didn't get each other any more. Not sure I will ever have friends that close again really, pretty scared off!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Glad that you found BTA and CBT helpful and it's really positive that you're coping with friends having babies better.

Definitely talk to your DD, I'm sure you can think of a way to sell what you want to happen

You may not feel that you have such deep friendships, but keep at it. Your friendships may deepen over time and another plus is that you'll have some good nights out on the way.

[NicLovesCheese]

Thank you JJJ x