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I know, deep down, that I shouldn't have another baby So why can't I stop thinking about it??(15 Posts)
I have posted about this before but actually feel in quite a dark place about this ATM and could do with someone to hand me a grip.
I have 2 sons aged 6 and 3. They are beautiful, wonderful boys and we have a happy family life. I work FT in a demanding job. I enjoy it but it can be stressful at times, but I am in a position of influence and one of the reasons I started to feel unhappy in my previous job was because of my frustration that things weren't being done right so now I am in a position where I make decisions so that is the sort of pay off for the higher stress. I manage to balance things ok most of the time, helped by the fact that DH is part time, self employed and flexible, and does all school and nursery runs and cooking.
I earn a good salary but currently pay about £600 pcm for childcare for ds2....however, this will reduce dramatically by sept when he starts pre school so I feel like I am just biding my time until We will be more comfortable and have money for nicer holidays, home improvements etc.
One of my closest friends and my sil have both recently had 3rd babies. I am delighted for them but it has made me question whether I am getting it all wrong in my life and should have another baby rather than gone down the career path. In particular, my friend and I have both always followed the same trajectory- got married, 2dcs, promotion and now she has gone slightly off-piste by having a third and talking about going pt etc.
But I know that really, having a 3rd dc probably wouldn't be the right thing for many reasons:
Financially we'd struggle for a bit.
Age gap would make logistics of extra curric more difficult.
5 more years of childcare to pay for.
I find toddlerhood quite tedious and difficult.....This sounds stupid but I have a vivid memory of going on a camping holiday in Scotland when dcs were smaller, I was bf ds2 and it was quite sore and was also trying to keep ds1 out of dh's way while he was putting the tent up and I remember thinking oh god this is so hard and tedious and I couldn't wait until they could both run around and give me some space.....so why would I want to go back to that? I am also dreadful at being at home with them for long spells on my own.
Both have been fairly poor sleepers.
And.....probably the main one.....I had a difficult pregnancy with ds2- constant nausea and the birth was a bit of a car crash- hospital admissions from 36 weeks, placenta praevia and haemorrhage, Emcs .....I hadn't known at the time that it would be my final pg ifswim so I think maybe this is a factor. But there would be a risk of it happening again.
BUT A lot of friends describe feeling "done" and I just don't feel like that, although I really wish I did!
I wish I felt like my 2ds were 'enough' but I look at families of 3 and feel like they are
More 'proper' families (I know that is utter shit and don't mean to offend anyone btw) but I think it is because I am one of 3. I just really don't want to regret not doing it when I am older, but I know I'd have to get through the first few hard years and I'm not sure if I've got it in me.
And there are other things I'd like to do with my life- redecorate, do more exercise, get a dog, do more study, get a balance, and I suppose dc3 would make all of those things more difficult but also would provide an 'out' from the mania of life ATM with FT work....
Sorry for the length of this utterly ridiculous post....has anyone ever felt like this and how did you resolve it?
I'm also one of 3 myself and would have liked a third child. But in my case, health won - severe hyperemesis in both pgs. I did feel bit wistful for a long time but when we moved away from babyhood years I felt better as life opens up for the family then which a baby would restrict. So by the time they were about 9 and 7, I was v happy with just 2.
I have three going back I'd have stuck to two tho I do love her. How does your dh feel as it sounds he would do most of the childcare? Booking holidays for five isn't as easy, you'd need a bigger car. Plus with two you have one adult to each child. It's just in general easier.
Ask yourself if it's what you really want as it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like more you're questioning it as a friend whose path is similar to yours is doing it.
Op I have four and don't have that "done" feeling people talk about
I wonder if I ever will because it doesn't feel like it
I understand, I always wanted 3, the second wasn't forthcoming, turned out DH had some issues with his fertility and after some failed ivf and a whole load of other things we separated.
I now have a wonderful new partner and we are really happy and I know how hard it would be to start over again with a baby and I'm afraid of setting myself back financially and the logistics of living where we do and managing exh and new priorities.
Sorry that was all about me but I suppose I just wanted to say I get the whole unsure thing...
I think part of it is the whole generic lottery things- it's fascinating to think what another combination of dh and my genes would turn out like. But I know I should just be grateful to have 2 healthy boys
I wouldn't in your situation. All your reasons not to have a third seem pretty good reasons. Don't do it just to 'keep up' with your friend and your sil. I just wouldn't create the extra stress when you seem to have it good at the moment, and your DH doesn't want one.
I think it's partly to do with not being able/ knowing it's not a good idea to have another that can make you want another more. After DS1, 13 I didn't think I could have another, DP didn't want another. Although we were happy as a three I did dream about another and always felt that pang of jealousy when others were pregnant.
DS2, 18 months was a wonderful surprise. I know he's the last. Couldn't afford another, house is too small, terrible sickness when pregnant but I still don't have that 'done' feeling. Maybe some don't get it?
I agree with you though that the baby/toddler stage is tough so I try to remind myself of that all the time! Every time I dream of a lovely snuggly newborn I try to think of the sleepless nights and not getting a minute to do any thing, soon puts me off
See I think a big reason is that we actually could....the house is big enough, I am still young enough (33) etc. And a lot of my friends and family seem surprised when I say I'm stopping at 2.
Don't let others expectations push you into it. I think two sounds like a dream.
Back at work after ht and wondering how I'd ever manage to find time for a 3rd!
I get the broody feelings, but I think this is just hormones regardless of what the right decision would be. I think that's why not everyone gets the "done" feeling. Mother Nature has designed us that way.
I also wouldn't do it just because you "could" if that makes sense.
We had an "afterthought" - number 3. It has been the right decision for us. Having 2 older children was brilliant - they were like extra Mums and took great delight in her; mind you it was a big gap - the older ones were 6 and 8.
Maybe you should wait a bit and see how things pan out - no reason why you should not have another later when the other two are older and more civilised! - and you have had time to get thoroughly pissed off with being a wage slave!
It's rough OP. I feel like you a lot. I love the idea of another child. The genetic lottery thing. I joke that planning for 2 means and accident is something you can deal with, whereas 4 kids seems overwhelming. I was also a family of 3 growing up.
But...while it's a nice and occasionally compelling thought... I'm so happy where we are and I really don't want to go through it again. To the point I am kind of hoping my fibroids are hysterectomy worthy so I don't have to wonder anymore.
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