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AIBU or is my MIL?(8 Posts)
Just looking for other people's opinions and advice. I feel like I am going to go insane.
I'll give you a bit of history my partner and I have been together for 4 years and have a DS who is 6 months. My MIL and I used to be very close until our son was born now I just feel like she interfears and has no respect for me as DS mum.
We had a difficult pregnancy and labour and decided that the first day of visiting (we would be in for a while) would be parents only. When her and FIL turn up they have SIL who is 15 and cannot possibly be left at home??
By BF our son I am harming him as clearly he isn't getting enough (she BF for 3 days and stopped as she needed a break from the baby) as she didn't BF I shouldn't either. Unfortunately we were medically advised to stop BF at 6 weeks as my DS has CMPA and I couldn't cut it dairy for medical reasons. I got an I told you so!
Since then it has been one thing after the other. She doesn't see him for weeks on end despite being invited over all the time. Yet at family occasions (only time she really sees him unless OH forces her over) she wants to play the doting grandma and show him off which I don't think she should be able to when she has seen him 8 times in his life.
She undermines me all the time, she has a snappy dog and gets on the floor with DS and we have repeatedly asked her not to. She picks him up from naps when he is asleep, feeds him Fanta/yoghurts (despite the CMPA) etc anything I don't want him to have. She takes him out of my arms to pass him to her friends him without asking. These are just a few examples I can come up with off the top of my head. My OH understands why I get so uptight but doesn't want to upset the family by saying something, it's getting to the point that I am going to loose the plot at her and really upset the family dynamic.
YANBU. Next time she goes to take him out of your arms, hold onto him tight and politely but firmly say No, hes fine where he is....... If she contradicts you over something, again say politely - Im his mum i know best and smile! I know it sounds easy and standing up to her for the first time wont be easy but if it continues she will push you around forever.
Trust me start as you mean to go on! Good Luck x
Oh my goodness, are you me??!! Everything you say - from the lack of respect for you as a parent to the snappy dog - rings true for me. The answer to your problem I don't know I'm afraid! I too have my DH on my side but afraid to rock the boat. It's infuriating and I am never comfortable in her company. I grin and bear her for the occasions that I must. My son never spends any time alone with her (he is 2) as I don't trust her to babysit. What I say goes - I over rule her constantly and she is beginning to learn that as his mother, I have the final say over DS. Enjoy that she doesn't see you much - I love not seeing her! Grin and bear her showing off about being a grandma, just let it be and let her play the wonderful grandma whilst knowing she won't be doted on by your DCs as rhey grow and never see her. It's a difficult position to be in and all I can say is be strong, know your mind and take the high ground as much as you can. Keeping your DH on your side is key so make sure you are on the same page and let him stick up for you without getting yourself involved. As for the dog, I have said on and said to her face that I am not happy with it and will renovated DS from the room/the house if it continues. And I've stuck to it, but i have a lovely DFIL who doesn't want to see his grandson leave so will banish the dog. Interested to see what advice you will get as could do with it myself! !
I am glad I am not the only one. She passes him around as if he is a dolly, and when I say he needs a nap, I just obviously want him to myself. I try to be reasonable with having him passed around, however he isn't a toy.
I spoke to my DH about it last night he said as long as I am firm but polite he has no issues with me speaking out. However I have tried being polite about it but she just tells me I am a first time Mum and she knows best (not that any of her children had CMPA or reflux). She says the dog needs to get used to DS which I agree but don't sit cross legged on the floor where you can't escape. The longer it goes on the more I resent her. She keeps saying that it's her turn to babysit over my mum, I wouldn't leave a goldfish with her let alone a baby. We are due to go on holiday with her and SIL in July, I am dreading it, she keeps saying how its Grandma and Grandson time and Mummy and Daddy can leave him with her, I just can't bare the thought of going and I am delaying sending off the passport application
Oh I really feel for you - I think you have to look at the holiday as a chance to show her how well you can parent him and hope that she picks up your routine as she'll be spending so much time with you. I'll be honest, if that happened to me I would be flipping out anf telling DH she was not to have him on her own at any point. I would also tell DFIL who knows his wife is not to be trusted. I am always polite as don't want to cause major family upset so it can be done by being nice but you must be firm and don't let her guilt trip you into feeling bad for your decisions. Mine thinks I'm wrong about having a bedtime as she's had 3 boys snd didn't have a routine for any - why should a first time mum like myself be doing stuff differently when she clearly knows best! DH and I have told her many times that we have our reasons for doing things and that although her way worked for her kids, our way works for our DC. She doesn't respect this but it felt good to make our point. Is she reasonable? Will she have a chat just the two if you where you can get her onside by explaining your rules and why you have them? Then if she goes against what you have laid down, you do have reason to call her out. My son has always been clingy and from 6 months onwards he really was full of separation anxiety. Now he is fine with my mum who he sees a lot but shy with MIL so you might find that your baby takes some of the decisions our of her hands as mine always wanted his mum!
My MIL is exactly the same - possessive about her son (my husband) and now possessive of our daughter:
- snatches her out of mine/DH's arms
- walks off with her into different rooms as she obviously wants time on her own with her
- has been saying since DD was 5 days old (now 18 weeks) that DH and I need time on our own away from the baby
- says to DD "are you going to stay here when mummy and daddy go on holiday?" - NO, if we go on holiday, DD is coming as we are a family
- Grandad is now involved and tells my DD "your first word is going to be GRANDAD"
- wants to "borrow" DD from us for the afternoon
- deseparate to hold her, have her, be the no 1 "nanny" at all times
- brings me a cup of tea in the same mug EVERY time with "I love my grandma" written on it
- said she thought I had PND
Cancel the holiday. Stop visiting grandma so often. She sounds like my Mother. She thinks she knows best and does things behind my back.
Easier said than done. But, you don't need to make a big statement about it but just cit back on visits. Be busy. Book in some swimming lessons or something.
So glad I am not the only one struggling. I am meant to be having lunch with her and her Mum on Thursday. She told her Mum that I don't let her see the baby. I corrected Great Grandma on this and said it's not the case at all she never comes... so the only reason I haven't cancelled is to see whether GG says something.
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