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What kind of mother am I? :(

(33 Posts)
cuddlebug Wed 15-Feb-17 15:18:38

My son (4 months), is currently going through some sort of leap because all he ever does is cry & cry, moody and always fights sleep.

My OH, my son and I went for a meal and he was tired but he just won't sleep in his pram, our food came & every time we put him down he kept pulling a tantrum and arched his back and screamed (he doesn't have reflux or anything like that it is purely a tantrum) so I held him and said that look at us, he has changed our lives and made it a nightmare & I cannot be arsed with putting up with this shit all the time cos its fucking pissing me off and we should not have had a baby.. and my OH was utterly shocked at it. I really did not mean to say it and now I feel guilty and heartbroken that I could even think of saying them kind of words sad I don't know how on Earth I can forgive myself for it! He is my rainbow after losing 3 pregnancies so how the hell can I even say that.. I am a horrible person

ISaySteadyOn Wed 15-Feb-17 15:24:54

You are a sleep deprived human. Everyone says things they don't mean when at the end of their tether with no sleep.

How you felt at that moment doesn't make you horrible. You love your baby, of course you do, but it doesn't mean that they're not hard work or that you are never allowed to feel cross.

So please don't worry. Feelings are normal.

ErrolTheDragon Wed 15-Feb-17 15:26:26

flowersI think quite a lot of us may have felt something like that faced with a screaming 4 month old. (It really isn't a 'tantrum' at that age though. He's not doing it deliberately.)

'This too shall pass' is what you need to hang on to - it will get better. You will become better at knowing how to deal with him, he will become able to communicate.

ScarlettFreestone Wed 15-Feb-17 15:27:14

I'm sure you are a wonderful Mum. Just sleep deprived and a bit overwhelmed.

Don't feel bad. flowers

lilyborderterrier Wed 15-Feb-17 15:29:00

Bless you xx you are tired and emotional it is bloody hard but it does get better xx don't beat yourself up love xx

LaPharisienne Wed 15-Feb-17 15:33:06

Don't worry - everyone has looked for the return sticker at some point!

Arching his back might be a sign of stomach pain though - does he have any allergies/ intolerances?

PumpkinPie2016 Wed 15-Feb-17 15:37:36

You're not a horrible person flowers we all day things we don't mean when tired/stressed.

I remember hating going out for meals when my ds was a similar age as he would often scream/whinge/be generally unhappy and I honestly couldn't stand it sad

I promise it will get better - I thought it would never get better but honestly it has!

In the meantime - what helps during the day? My son was very easily bored, even at that age so I used to go.out everyday - long walks with the pram and to the park/library/shops. I found he likes being out as he could see different things. He would usually nap at some point and it took up a good chunk of the day so it didn't seem like such a drag!

So you have a children's centre nearby? I used to go to the baby weigh and play every week - not to have him weighed but just so that I could go somewhere 'safe' and where I didn't have to worry about ds making noise.

Take care of yourself - babies are hard work, however much they are wantedcakebrew

OvariesBeforeBrovaries Wed 15-Feb-17 15:38:28

What sort of mum are you? A brilliant mum. You feel terrible about it. Do you think a bad mum would feel guilty? Of course not - but you do. That makes you a good mum going through a tough time.

4 months is shit. There's no other word for it, it's been my absolute least favourite stage so far (and she's currently in the terrible twos, so that's saying something!). The leaps are horrendous - they scream because it's confusing and frustrating to develop these new skills but not know what to do with them, if I remember rightly - and you sound exhausted.

It passes. It's horrible and it'll feel like it's lasting forever, but once it passes there's a stage afterwards that is absolutely lovely - they start to develop their own little personality and stop being this little screaming thing that has turned your life upside down; they're an actual, enjoyable little person. You'll get there soon. Hang in there and talk to your GP if you're worried about how you're coping, and Mumsnet is great for support too flowers

BadToTheBone Wed 15-Feb-17 15:43:58

Mine are 15 and 11 now and I'm glad I'm not being judged on some of the things I've said over the years. When I think of some of the things I've said,, oooph!

I'm also glad ds doesn't remember the times I promised to buy him a sports car when he's 17 if he'd go to sleep right there and then, it would be coming up to a very expensive time otherwise.

ineedamoreadultieradult Wed 15-Feb-17 15:51:47

To be honest you attempted to go out for meal that makes you a brave mum. When mine were 4 months I would have had a takeaway in my dressing gown! It is hard work and they do cry and you do feel like giving then back but it will pass and you will cope and you will come out the other side and eventually be able to console other mums of 4 month olds that they are doing ok.

seeingdots Wed 15-Feb-17 16:58:27

*4 months is shit. There's no other word for it
Absolutely this! Go easy on yourself, it's fucking hard and you were just venting your frustration.

pinkieandperkie Wed 15-Feb-17 17:03:04

Go easy on yourself flowers

mimiholls Wed 15-Feb-17 17:03:10

I really think almost every mum has had these thoughts even if they haven't said them out loud. I certainly have. It's not the same for your dp of he isn't with baby 24/7. It's fucking hard! It will get better. I found timing outings for directly after naps worked better so I wouldn't be trying to get baby to sleep whilst out for lunch/coffee and they would be reasonably cheerful for a period.

PosiePootlePerkins Wed 15-Feb-17 17:06:45

Just echoing that it really isn't a tantrum at 4 months old, so might be worth looking into whether he's in some sort of pain, trapped wind possibly, infacol can help with that. You need a bit of a break to gather yourself, if you have anyone to take him for an hour or so, go for it. Deep breath, it will get easier.

wowbutter Wed 15-Feb-17 17:14:44

Four months is awful.
They are not newborns so all the offers of help have gone, they regress sleep wise, they scream a lot and you feel like you should be getting back to some type of normality and guess what... it's worse!?
Saying those things does not make you a bad mum, thinking those things does not make you a bad mum. Acting on those words and thought, punishing and hurting your baby does. You snapped, and your husband should see how at the end of your tether you are.
You are not bad. You are a mum, a tired one.
At four months old, I planned to put one ds into nursery full time from seven am til six pm to get away from the little bugger. I was sleep deprived, miserable and didn't do it, but my god the guilt!

Be nice to yourself.

Cosmicglitterpug Wed 15-Feb-17 17:17:07

I've said millions of times to my OH that we should never have had kids, usually as a result of too little sleep and one of the children constantly crying and/or whining. Don't worry about it.

gluteustothemaximus Wed 15-Feb-17 17:19:03

Ah, OP, you sound nice and normal.

I used to think I was awful when I got tired of DD, never giving me a break. She was a terrible sleeper, and an excellent screamer. DH used to come in from work and pick up DD using happy soothing tones, whilst I was all stressy and not at all 'motherly'. I thought he was a better parent.

However! Now we share childcare of our third baby, he is much more stressed as he has the 24/7 thing going on too!

So, just saying, that although he was shocked, he can't 100% understand the pure evilness that is sleep deprivation and just wanting to eat in peace.

This will pass x

F1GI Wed 15-Feb-17 17:21:26

You got tired, stressed and overwhelmed. Forget about it and forgive yourself.

Coconut0il Wed 15-Feb-17 17:21:39

Agree with a previous post that you were brave to even attempt to go out! My DS2 is almost 18 months and I still wouldn't take him anywhere that involved him having to sit still. DS1 was fine as long as he had a few toys but DS2 wants to be on the go all the time.
You are tired and stressed and having a baby does change the dynamics of a family but you'll soon find your new routine. You know you didn't mean it, hopefully your DH realises how tired out you are.

Harriedharriet Wed 15-Feb-17 17:22:05

You are not a terrible mum. You are a woman who wanted to enjoy a meal out with your husband. You are a woman who (like all mothers) has been hit by a truck for better and for worse.
It Will Get Better. Shake it off. Forgive yourself this little blip.
Don't expect too much from yourself, from DH or your little baby for at least a year!!

Harriedharriet Wed 15-Feb-17 17:24:17

Show your DH this thread. Easier than explaining!!!gringrin

ageingrunner Wed 15-Feb-17 17:29:00

I felt exactly the same and even thought about getting him adopted blush. Things got a lot better at about 20 weeks. I hated having a young baby and hated how it took all the joy out of our lives. But it did get better smile

CatsBatsEars Wed 15-Feb-17 17:31:02

I think lots of parents have felt like that. It's a huge adjustment to your life, it will get better.

Purplebluebird Wed 15-Feb-17 17:42:31

"This too shall pass"
"This is not an emergency"

My two mantras. I've been there too, it doesn't make you a bad mother, just a tired one. Move on and don't let it get you down.

minion246 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:46:16

It's very normal to think that. I have had 5 kids and have said awful stuff as I was so tired. Speak to your partner to see if he can help you have sometime to yourself. Don't ever think your a bad mum cus of this

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