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Help! My partner is turning my 4year old daughter against me! 😓

(26 Posts)
Natasha2285 Mon 13-Feb-17 09:27:51

Hi all,

I've been in a relationship with my partner for the last 12 years, the relationship isn't a very healthy one.. He does what he wants whenever he wants while I'm made to be at home, look after the child and house keep basically all chores and god forbid if this is not done.. He's a very controlling man he controls the money, what I do everything like that.
In 2013 we welcomed our little bundle of joy, she became my life I didn't think that it was possible to love one person so much.. Skip 4 years on and I'm in the same situation only much worse, he tells me I'm a rubbish mum, I can't cope, that him and my child don't love me etc.. I've never felt so alone in a situation, he frowns at my punishments towards the naughty chair when my child is naughty, I tell her off and he rewards her.. He spoils her rotten where I don't do that I wanted to bring her up with values but in this situation hes making it impossible! He loves her with money and things and because she's a child she loves it, he's the best thing since sliced bread and she's started to resent me.. Some days we can all be home and she won't acknowledge me, she says things like 'I don't love you, I love my daddy', if I ask for a cuddle she will reply with 'no I'm gonna give my dad cuddles, I don't want to cuddle you!'.. I'm absolutely mortified that this is even happening, i know I should of left him but I was scared that me and my child had nowhere to go.. I don't want to be in this situation anymore but I'm scared that after four years of his damage it can't be undone.. I need some advice it's ripping me apart sad

Inneedofaholiday2017 Mon 13-Feb-17 09:31:43

Gosh you need to leave this relationship ASAP. I think you know that. Pls work on an exit route.
Don't worry your daughter is still young and as long as you are loving and consistent towards her she'll soon come right again once you leave this man. She's just reflecting his behaviour ATM.
Have you family you could stay with?
Will she be starting school this September? If so could you get a job around her school hours to get a bit of financial indépendance?

Boofeckinghoo Mon 13-Feb-17 09:40:21

That sounds awful OP. He sounds utterly toxic. It is difficult but I think you need to leave for you and your daughter's sake. She is too young to make an informed choice and will realise when she's older that you did the right thing. And you need to look after your mental health. His behaviour to you must be so stressful. How can you continue on like this?
You and your daughter deserve better. flowers

Mottlemoth Mon 13-Feb-17 09:43:29

You need to leave as soon as you can. Start making a plan. If you continue to live in this situation with this man, the damage to your DD will be huge. And you of course deserve much better as well. flowers

AssassinatedBeauty Mon 13-Feb-17 09:43:46

Could you contact Women's Aid? (0808 2000 247) They will be able to give you advice and support with whatever you want to do. This man is abusing you and your daughter too because she is watching it and affected by it.

If you had a normal relationship, it might be ok for a child to say they prefer one parent over the other occasionally. But in the context of your relationship it's more worrying. I'd just say to her, "ok, but I love you" and move on without dwelling on it. She doesn't really mean it or understand what she's saying really.

MalletsMallets Mon 13-Feb-17 09:45:03

Kids are smart, your daughter has realised what to do in order to please her dad and not be on the receiving end of his anger.
This isn't personal, this is about her staying safe.

You know this isn't sustainable, you know you need to do something about this, right? You need to make a plan to get out as its not healthy of you or her.

AnotherEmma Mon 13-Feb-17 09:48:32

First things first, I suggest you get this thread moved to Relationships, as you will get more advice there, maybe from people who have been through similar.

Your partner is clearly abusive. Please please call Women's Aid as PP suggested. You could also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft (there are extracts from it on this thread. But the single most important thing you must do is get support. Women's Aid are the best option. It's also a good idea to talk to your GP (if you feel you can) and a close friend or family member if they will be supportive.

Boofeckinghoo Mon 13-Feb-17 09:48:44

You can recover, OP.
I just want to add that my mum never left her emotionally abusive husband and has no self esteem or self worth. She has obvious mental health problems due to 40 years of it and it is heart breaking to see.
Women's aid can help. At least contact them for advice on your situation.

0800 2000 247
Quote from their website

"Women’s Aid aims to give each woman space to explore her options and support her to make safe choices for her and her children."

Worth a try.

Boofeckinghoo Mon 13-Feb-17 09:49:42

Sorry, many x posts!

Natasha2285 Mon 13-Feb-17 10:25:19

Firstly I want to thank everyone for the supportive messages, I've spent so long in this situation that I had started to think maybe I was doing something wrong.. I have a family that will take me and my daughter in, I'm working on getting out of this situation not only for my sanity but for the sake of my daughter who is seeing things no child should have to see.. I'm currently under my GP as the situation in itself is making me ill physically and mentally, he's fully aware of the situation and has given me some advice about how to go from here.. My main worry was the behaviour my child has because of it all I've been so worried that this is going to have a lasting effect on her life.

Inneedofaholiday2017 Mon 13-Feb-17 10:29:33

There'll be no lasting effect if you get out now. Children are very adaptable and respond well to loving, constant care. Just make it your mission to provide this to her. Don't take her comments personally it's not 'her' saying it.

AnotherEmma Mon 13-Feb-17 10:32:54

So glad to hear you are planning to leave.
Have you been in touch with Women's Aid at all?
Do you think he is likely to want contact with your DD? You may need legal advice on that and Women's Aid should be able to point you in the right direction. There is also the free Rights of Women family law helpline.

WienerDiva Mon 13-Feb-17 10:36:09

I just want to echo what everyone else is saying really.

I think it's a very positive thing that your GP is aware and it's great you have a supportive network around you.

Just wanted to offer some support and cheer you on from the sidelines really.

Natasha2285 Mon 13-Feb-17 10:37:01

I do know that deep down, it's hurtful and it's hard sometimes not to take it so personal.. I have a plan in motion at the moment to get us out of this, I feel like such a failure, in my mind I always had this idea of what parent I wanted to be, I never wanted the life I had for my daughter my mum was in a situation very similar for 16 years with my father and it's obviously stayed with me through my life and I've found myself in the same situation.. It's a vicious chain that I've followed because I went through it and felt that all men were like that.. If I don't leave and she grows up with the same similar upbringing she may just end up with a person like that herself and that is the last thing that I'd want for her!

Natasha2285 Mon 13-Feb-17 10:39:50

I haven't been in touch with woman's aid but I have been receiving help from other sources such as the woman's domestic violence unit at the police station, There's been a situation where he has been arrested for his abusive behaviour.. Just wish that I hadn't let him get into my head at that point because me and my child could of been in a safe haven by now sad

JaxingJump Mon 13-Feb-17 10:42:54

You poor thing! This is terrible. But now you need to understand that he's not just abusing you he's abusing your daughter and she needs to be protected (you do too!). Your daughter is now being horribly emotionally abused and you need to remove her from this situation. You are very vulnerable because he's already worked quite a number on you so it will be very very difficult to see what's going on here but please take a step by contacting women's aid for support and advice.

Libbylove2015 Mon 13-Feb-17 10:44:14

What a horrible situation, I feel for you.

I am no expert but I studied child development at uni and all the evidence says that 4 is too young to form permeant behaviour patterns. The damage done is wholly reversible at the moment, but don't waste any time.

Of course she loves you, and in time she will come to see that you are the one who has her best interests at heart.

Be strong and do what you need to do, I promise if you do you will look back in 6 months time with relief and pride at your strength.

Good luck.

JaxingJump Mon 13-Feb-17 10:44:26

You are NOT a failure and you will be a great mum once you get away from this man. Nobody could be the kind of parent they want to be while living with this abusive man.

Natasha2285 Mon 13-Feb-17 10:52:12

Thank you everyone ☺️.. I think I will contact woman's aid and seek some advice, I have rang my mum this morning and she has room for me, so I think I will pack up mine and my daughters things and get out while he's at work I'll avoid any confrontation with him that way

TheOnlyColditz Mon 13-Feb-17 10:57:52

be prepared for your daughter to throw a shitfit - and just keep in mind that you are doing this FOR HER. She might not want or appreciate it, but she really does need it

midsummabreak Mon 13-Feb-17 11:23:09

Glad you have been able to discuss your controlling husband with your GP and start planning a healthier life living with extended family, where you will be free to be yourself.. You are on the way to the life you deserve. I hope you can seek support from women's aid/rights of women family helpline as others have said. Soon you can share with your daughter the 'you' who is at peace with herself, back to being your true self. Big hugs sent your way for good luck no doubt it's not gonna be easy with Mr control freak, but keep seeking support xxooo

Boofeckinghoo Mon 13-Feb-17 11:30:04

Sounds like you have a good plan.

be prepared for your daughter to throw a shitfit

This^^ It will be really hard at first but stay strong. She's only little and will probably say more things that hurt you but she does not understand the full extent of this situation due to her age. This will pass and you will get through it with supportive people around you both. I believe she will thank you in the long run.

Very best of luck flowers

midsummabreak Mon 13-Feb-17 11:31:59

Can you seek advice from women's aid what you can say/do if he throws a shitfit and manipulates DD

AnotherEmma Mon 13-Feb-17 11:37:14

I think that leaving while he's at work would be very sensible.

This page has some good advice about preparing to leave, what to pack and staying safe:

forfucksakenet Mon 13-Feb-17 11:46:20

Heartbroken for you. Your daughter will one day know that you were strong and brave and thought of her first always. Sending you positive thoughts and extra strength of you need it flowers

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