Separated parents

[EVY1902]

Me and my ex have one child, my little girl. We separated over a year and a half ago and we are both now happy in new relationships and we get on fine with each other.

I work full time and so dd stays at his place while I work as he doesn't have a job and is in no rush to get one. But when I drop her off I have to see the state that I am leaving my dd in. The garden is covered with dog mess, there are toys, some that we had bought together for dd and they are rotting because they have been left there for months in all weathers. I know when having children and dogs it can't always be clean, I have lived it, but the dogs mess is at least 3 months as I have basically mentally noted down where it is. I have sometimes gone into the house to wait for dd to get her shoes on and the stench of dogs and cigarette smoke is awful, they most certainly smoke in the house with 4 children living there. The smell sticks to dd clothes and he's the one that takes her to school in the mornings so she is going to school stinking. He is so very unhygienic (one of the reasons I left him). When I mention to him to make sure she cleans her teeth as they are looking a little yellow, he says I will try my best, it's just not good enough. There are so much more other problems with his house and hygiene but this post is long enough.

I just don't know if it's my place to say, enough is enough, if you are going to share time equally then you must clean up. I worry that dd will get bullied for smelling or being dirty, I do all I can on my part, but I can't help how he looks after her when I am not there. I don't want to quit work full time as I am able to offer dd everything she needs and I am saving for her future. I just wish he could tidy up his life the way I have tidied mine, for dd and for himself.

[pieceofpurplesky]

When do you have your DD? I certainly wouldn't be letting mine stay in that sort of environment. Surely you can come up with a better plan?
In answer to the question - other children will notice the smell and the dirt. As will the teachers. They may refer to SS for neglect. I think you need to pull yourself together and make your daughter's health and wellbeing your priority - it may be a struggle but it is what is needed.
Sorry if that sounds harsh

[pieceofpurplesky]

Saving for her future will be pointless is she is damaged in the here and now

[EVY1902]

No, please tell me what you think. My family tell me I am doing the best I can but I just don't think it's enough. Because he doesn't work, we share time. I have 2 nights e.g. Monday and Tuesday night, then I have her the weekend, then the next week I have her Weds, Thurs, Fri and he has her the weekend so we alternate like that. I see your point about the saving. I think if I told him in front of his partner I might end up with a shiner, but maybe I should take him to one side and tell him that it's just not good enough. Dd thinks its all fine as her step brother and step sisters don't complain, but they know no different. I'm so upset, I feel helpless. He's a great dad and I'm scared dd will resent me if I pull her away from him as she doesn't understand it will affect her health

[pieceofpurplesky]

He's not a great dad though - he is neglecting to care for your DD. He may love her but love is about more than having her roll on the floor in filth.

It is a horrible situation but you need to tell him - maybe you could contact SS over your concerns?