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Heartbroken for DD age 7 - Any Advice offered appreciated

(17 Posts)
ladytrader Sat 11-Feb-17 13:58:01

In short - DD has ADD and has no friends. Only users i.e. when nobody else is around, the girls at school talk to her. When ANYbody else is around, they brush past her to get to someone else.

I just witnessed the girl who played with her all yesterday afternoon at after school club completely ignore her this morning. . .twice. Another girl who played with her at breakfast club yesterday morning completely ignored her this morning (both girls did this because other friends were around). This is getting worse but until now, she was oblivious.

The problem is she is starting to notice this. The look on her face when this morning has broken me. My poor DD was looking forward to this event all week and she is left sitting on her own with none of her 'friends'.

She doesnt have much to say as her communication levels are below her age. She cannot form straightforward sentences and repeats herself. Ive spent years kicking and screaming (metaphorically speaking) trying to get extra help from school. DD gets the odd 2 hours here and there to work on her social skills.

So, how do I help her? I have no idea where to go with this. She is due to go to junior school next year. In truth, she doesnt have anything interesting, new or funny to say. people right her off so quickly.

I can't stop crying. Any advice will be appreciated.

ladytrader Sat 11-Feb-17 14:33:08

Anyone? sad

ChaChaChaCh4nges Sat 11-Feb-17 14:36:31

I don't have any advice, but I wanted you to know that you've been heard.


Have you tried the Special Needs board? You'll find posters with experience there. Which isn't to say that you're unwelcome here - quite the opposite - but I have no experience of this particular issue from which to offer suggestions.

Meffy Sat 11-Feb-17 14:46:03

My DS9 has HF ASD & ADHD. As he's got older friendships have become much more difficult as his quirkiness becomes less endearing and he becomes annoying to them. He tends to play with children younger than him and that works.
You can force them to be friends unfortunately!

ladytrader Sat 11-Feb-17 15:08:08

Thanks guys - I knew some kind MM's would answer.

ChaChaChaCh4nges - Ill try the SN board.

Meffy - Exactly what I thought - the unusual personality becomes odd. Funnily enough, DD has DS (4.2) and has a very strong bond with him. DD also made a friend in reception the other day! Im not looking to force friendships, just hoping to find ways on how to deal with it all and protect DD from endless heartbreak.

All the best to your DS.

Pertie Sat 11-Feb-17 17:59:54

That sounds really tough, I really feel for the both of you.

You've implied that school aren't the most helpful but would they be any use with this? Do they have a playground buddy system or anything?

Does she do any extra curricular stuff like rainbows where you could guide her a little with her social skills?

Fwiw, friends with daughters this age tell me horror stories of the bitchiness that goes on with friendships - I don't think it is limited to your daughter. Though I appreciate that doesn't make it much easier. Really hope things improve for you both.

queenofshihtzus Sat 11-Feb-17 18:12:29

This is really hard and there's no easy answer. My ds 12 has ASD and social situations are a challenge. School is difficult. You need to go back to school and ask for a plan to support her in friendship groups. Does she do any out of school clubs?

My DS finds it hard but juniors was very difficult. His school weren't supportive and we had to move area with DH s job. His next school was much more inclusive and with support he managed to make some friends. He's at secondary school now and has a small group of friends which is lovely for him. It's something I didn't think he'd be able to achieve when he was younger. I also have a DD of a similar age to yours. She's finding school hard at the moment purely from the bitchiness with other girls - it's so hard 😦

Msqueen33 Sat 11-Feb-17 18:21:24

I've got one dd the same age. Her teacher thinks she has add and I agree she has some traits. Her six yr old and 4 yr old sisters have asd and ADHD. She went through a stage of saying she had no friends and no one would play with her (they all went from infants to juniors so bigger playground). I'd speak to the school senco, I'd also look at doing things outside of school giving her a chance to work on her social skills guided by you. Also depending on where you maybe see if you can find any support groups and she may find she clicks with people similar to her. My 6 year old has a good group of friends and is very popular. Some of them have their quirks so there's less expectation. There's a lot of groups online aswell so maybe you could meet people for her through that. I'm in Essex south of Cambridge if you're anywhere near that. Or there's a few good online groups in Hertfordshire - happy to let you know which if you're local to that. I'd also look at social stories to give her a guide on how to deal with certain situations. Heartbreaking isn't it x

Meeep Sat 11-Feb-17 18:56:45

It is difficult. Not sure what the answer is, but sympathy from me!

Jenniferb21 Sat 11-Feb-17 19:01:51

This is so sad. Is it possible to a speak to your GP or health visitor? Wondering if they can refer you to a specialist or support network.

If you could get her going to some form of group with children of similar capabilities and mental capacity perhaps that would help her make friends easily there and build her confidence and social skills before she starts junior school? Can she start a hobby so she's got something in common with other kids? A ballet class? Gymnastics club?

Sorry if I've not even much help have no experience in this just hope you get some help.

Xxxx sending my thoughts

SaorAlbaGuBrath Sat 11-Feb-17 19:09:02

OP my heart broke reading this post, sadly I know the feeling all too well with DS1 (he has ASD) Speech and language therapy really helped him in social situations and with social speech, is that something that could benefit your DD?

harridan50 Sat 11-Feb-17 19:18:39

Very sad. No real experience but school should be doing something. In my daughters old primary year 6 buddies were trained to organise games to include children who had no one to play with. It worked well as did a buddy bench where any one could sit and some one would go and get them to play. Also what about outside school Brownies is very inclusive and may help confidence and social skills. Good luck to you both.

5moreminutes Sat 11-Feb-17 19:25:16

lady it doesn't help yet, but for the future if she remains in mainstream (as she probably will) it's good to know that in the "bigger pond" of secondary children who have been friendless at juniors often find "their people" because there are just so many children... Years ago I taught secondary and as a year 7 teacher heard from multiple parents what an unexpected relief the new friendships had been.

You can't force kids to be friends or play together I agree, and trying to will backfire sooner or later, but some good suggestions from other posters. Poor girl - hope she finds a friend. Nice that she has a good friendship with her little brother though.

ladytrader Sat 11-Feb-17 23:17:15

Well, I stopped crying earlier today but am crying again reading some your posts! Thanks for being so kind.

Thing is, Ive tried to teach DD about kindness, empathy, consideration. She goes to the buddy bench and offers to play with children only to be told by those children the next day that they dont want to play with her! Because other more interesting children are playing with them.

Recently, DD insisted on twin 'friends' in her class going to her birthday party. They came and never invited DD back. . .3 years in a row. Fine until the Saturday after DD's party 2 weeks ago, all the girls from DDs class were walking across the road to the twins' party. DD saw all her class friends with gifts going to their house. How confusing is that when these 2 girls were cuddling DD the week before saying 'you are my best friend forever'.

Its a load of crappola isn't it? Must grow a very thick skin.

Msqueen33 Sat 11-Feb-17 23:59:14

Kids can be bloody awful. Poor kid!

Jenniferb21 Sun 12-Feb-17 00:20:55

Are you able to address this with the headteacher? Perhaps some discussion with these children's parents is needed. I.e explaining DS is feeling sad can we share/ play with her too? I'm sure the school should have some more responsibility for the welfare of its students. Could you consider moving her for a fresh start?


Cassimin Sun 12-Feb-17 00:37:29

My little boy has ADHD, ASD and also no friends in school. It's heartbreaking.
He has joined lots of clubs but ends up getting excluded as the leaders just don't get neurodevelopmental problems.
After lots of research I have found 2 clubs that are ADHD friendly. They also run monthly groups at soft play.
He lives these groups. It's the same kids going who are just like him and they all get on great. The staff understand the children.
Find out if there are any support groups in your area and the other parents will be able to point you in the right direction.
Our counci also have local offer on the internet, you can find details of groups on there.

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