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Am I being selfish?

(24 Posts)
momtobe1 Tue 07-Feb-17 20:30:49

Hi,
I could really use some perspective. My husband and I are expecting our 1st this May. My husband has an 7yr old from a previous relationship, who lives in Cornwall, we live in London. We travel down to see him just about every other weekend, however in the 3 years we've been together we have never had him for more then 24 hours and he has only been up to visit us twice.
We are planning a trip to see my family in New York this August so we can introduce the baby to everyone and my husband has decided he would like to bring his son.
I feel overwhelmed at the thought of traveling with a 2 month old and adding my step son to the equation just amplifies this. He has never been away from his mom this long or taken such a long flight. I wanted to have my husbands full attention and help on the trip since it's my first time traveling with an infant. And part of me also really wanted to introduce my first born to the family and let it be about her. My family has not met my step son in the 3 years we've been together, my husband says it's never been the right time. I don't think this is now the right time, am I wrong?
I suggested we have my step son up to London over the summer to spend time with us and the baby and do family things together, I just think this is a big trip and a lot of firsts for everyone which is a bit overwhelming.
My husband says I'm being selfish. Am I?

Msqueen33 Tue 07-Feb-17 20:32:39

Your step son is obviously part of your family so he should be included but your husband should have him spend a bit more time with you so to blend the family a little better. Does he ever come up in the half term holidays?

smilingsarahb Tue 07-Feb-17 20:39:32

I'm not sure selfish is the right word, I really see where you are coming from. It would be better to have him stay with you for a few days first and it's really hard when you first have a baby. However I really see where your partner is coming from. He is probably really worried about his first born feeling very low about this new arrival and having to deal with lots of emotions around being replaced and is thinking that an exciting trip to New York will make him feel part of this new family too and see the baby positively. Good luck finding a solution as I really can see both sides.

Sweets101 Tue 07-Feb-17 20:41:49

I don't know I can see both sides, and if it was my DS I wouldn't want him going anyway!

momtobe1 Tue 07-Feb-17 20:58:07

Msqueen33 - he has never been up for half term. That's the thing, we have all never spent more than 24hrs together so it's a big step. I understand my husband wants him to be included, and so do I. And a trip to NY is very exciting, but we go twice a year. I suggested he come on our next family vacation and just let us do this trip first so we figure out how to travel with a new born. My husband has never had his son on his own for 2 weeks at a time either, this would be a very new experience for all of us. I just think there is a lot to consider. I know we will have to make the 'first' trip together at some stage, I just don't know that trying to do it with a new born is the right time.

Not to mention my husband has now told me he would chose his son over us any day of the week. And thinks I am beyond selfish for voicing my opinion on the matter.... I was never asking him to choose.

Sweets101 Tue 07-Feb-17 21:37:18

Not to mention my husband has now told me he would chose his son over us any day of the week.
He's probably feeling a little defensive, which is understandable.

Funnyfarmer Tue 07-Feb-17 21:49:07

I feel your husband may be feeling a little guilty about having a new baby. It happens to most parents even when your dc's live with you, you still get this overwhelming feeling of guilt like your somehow cheating on your pfb, how come you never have him for longer periods if you don't mind me asking?
Neither Abu in my eyes. How old is you dss?

GrassIsJewelled Tue 07-Feb-17 22:06:34

If it is important to your husband I think you need to include your step son. He's your family too and this could be a good opportunity to spend more time together.

With regards to travel with an infant and child - you'll survive!

GeillisTheWitch Tue 07-Feb-17 22:10:21

Not to mention my husband has now told me he would chose his son over us any day of the week

Your husband is a massive twat, what an awful thing to say to your pregnant wife. He needs to catch onto himself before this baby gets here or he's going to cause all sorts of issues between the half siblings.

momtobe1 Tue 07-Feb-17 22:38:02

I don't know why we've never had him for longer. My husband says he was too young. Which I don't really follow. We have had loads of opportunities to have him in London or on family trips before and my husband has just never done it. That's why I am having a hard time understanding why he thinks this is the right time. Having a new born is hard, especially traveling with them for the first time. And jet lag and everything else that goes with it.
I'd love to have my step up to visit, it would help me to get closer with him.

Trifleorbust Wed 08-Feb-17 07:09:33

Not to mention my husband has now told me he would chose his son over us any day of the week

Well there is your problem, OP.

Is this your first baby? I have my doubts about whether you will want to make the trip at all with an 8 week old!

saladsmoothie Wed 08-Feb-17 07:16:36

Well, YABU if it's because it's too overwhelming to have another child on top of the newborn - how do you think families NOT having their firstborn do it grin ? It is perfectly possible to get on with a newborn whilst looking after other children.
Not sure I'd voluntarily go to NY with a new baby, but maybe that's just me.

But YANBU to be concerned that this might be pretty stressful for the 7yo. My 8yo wouldn't cope well on 2 weeks away from me. It doesn't sound like his dad is a massive part of his life, so it's not like being with a primary caregiver. He'll be homesick and miss his mum I should think. Your husband is being the selfish one here. If he suddenly wants to bond with his son (and he bloody well should want this) he needs to do it with the little boys interests first and foremost. Hurtling off to NY for 2 weeks with a new stepsibling is not the way to do it.

MrsEricBana Wed 08-Feb-17 07:16:45

Oh gosh that last bit of info is very upsetting. I guess he said it in the heat of the moment (hopefully) as it sounds like he very much has chosen you if he lives 4 hours or so drive from his son and only sees him for 24 hours every 3 weeks. Perhaps agree to it, which is probably right though I think I might feel the same as you, and in all likelihood his mum will say no to the trip anyway for the same sort of reasons as you.

AreWeThereYet000 Wed 08-Feb-17 07:17:10

I'd probably suggest getting your family to visit you instead for a week or two and have your step son to stay a couple of days in this period so he gets to meet everyone - whilst still been relatively close to home.

When my first born was 8 weeks I was just about managing to get dressed and go out for the day on trips other than 'have to' trips like check ups etc - I really wouldn't have wanted to go on a long haul flight. Each to their own but I would honestly think about re arranging and going later in the year/early next year and having family and sds come to stay with you after the birth. X

MrsEricBana Wed 08-Feb-17 07:18:02

Yes to everything salad said

PigletWasPoohsFriend Wed 08-Feb-17 07:21:33

Not to mention my husband has now told me he would chose his son over us any day of the week.

I am guessing he ment over his relationship with you and he was feeling defensive.

Tbf however your new baby shouldn't be any more important to him than his DS.

momtobe1 Wed 08-Feb-17 07:52:19

Taking the trip wouldn't be my first choice but half my family are in NY and the other half in Hong Kong so don't get much time all together.
As for choosing me... when I met my husband he lived in London and his son in Cornwall, I was not a factor in that decision.
And in the past 3 years he has never taken him on a trip or asked to have him stay with us for more then a day and now I am the bad guy for feeling overwhelmed at the thought.
I know people have multiple children, usually though you have one and learn to travel and things together and then along comes the 2nd. My point was just that we have never traveled with my step son, and obviously not the newborn, so I just felt doing it all at once was a lot.
And I will be honest.... just like my husbands family met my stepson when he was born and 'oohed and ahhhd' over him I wanted that moment with my first born too. We had 3 years to introduce him to my family and didn't so why are we now trying to do it all at the same time. I want to make sure my step son feels included and like part of the family I just didn't think this trip was the best time. Especially with the risk of him being homesick etc.
I wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings though and now I know how important it is to my husband I feel bad. I wish he had tried talking to me instead of getting mad at me for not seeing it right away. Now he says he will never forgive me.

archersfan22 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:18:49

I think the newborn is actually a bit of a red herring in the decision about the NY trip with the 7yo. Taking a 7 year old that has never spent much time with you on a long haul trip involving jet lag etc seems quite a strange thing to do, even without the fact that the baby may well be crying at night and waking him up etc.
I used to help with Brownie holidays and there was usually at least one 7 year old that had to go home homesick and that was just for 2 nights less than an hour's drive from home...
Because of the geography you aren't always going to be able to include 7 year old in absolutely every family event/trip you have in the future, so I think that's something that your other half needs to get his head round, while obviously thinking of ways to make it clear that 7 year old is still very much part of his family.
Personally I also think you're crazy to (presumably) book it in advance with an 8 week old - it may well be fine if neither you or baby have any complications but you can't predict how the birth is going to go. I had no risk factors in advance, was very fit and well throughout pregnancy, but ended up with an emergency Caesarean. Hopefully that won't happen to you and you will be in and out very quickly with a fit and well baby, but just in case you should consider how much of a problem it will be financially if you have to cancel at the last minute and lose the flight money. Also you will have the hassle of getting a passport for the baby with a tight deadline.

annlee3817 Wed 08-Feb-17 17:19:21

Would the step sons Mum be happy for him to be away for that long? sounds like if he hasn't spent longer than a day with your DH before, then it might be something she would say no to? I certainly would, not that I don't trust my DH, but I would be worried about my Son being away for me that long if he's not been away from me for a couple of days before... worried about how he would be that is. I could be being a bit precious though...

momtobe1 Wed 08-Feb-17 17:39:42

No I agree with you. Which was a concern of mine as well. But apparently she is ok with it.

WipsGlitter Wed 08-Feb-17 18:04:21

How is the seven year old when he is with you and his dad? Does he seem happy or pine for home? How old was he when his parents split?

I think you would all need to spend more time together before embarking on such a big trip.

Are you married?

momtobe1 Wed 08-Feb-17 18:38:44

My step son is very happy when he is with us and well behaved. His parents were never together, they were really good friends and it was the result of a one night thing.

He doesn't pine for his mom when he is with us just the normal call before going to bed. But he has never been away from her for more then a weekend, so who knows how he will react.

I think we need to have him up to our house more often and for longer periods of time, to ease him into everything. My husband just thinks I'm being selfish and that I just want it to be about the new baby. It's all really upsetting. It's like he thinks I'm a monster and hasn't spoken to me in days.

Funnyfarmer Wed 08-Feb-17 23:04:22

After reading a bit more I feel it is your dh who is being selfish on his D's. What if his D's hates it? He can't just run him back home. I think your dss is at an age where he would feel terribly uncomfortable. He will basically be staying with strangers so will instinctively cling to your dh which could then put up a divide up of you, baby and family and them two iyswim?
But as I said before his emotions will be all over the place ( men have them too) so try and cut him abit of slack. He's either terrified that his son will be pushed out or his D's will feel pushed out and neglected.
Also fwys it seems so far his parenting hasn't been very hands on and now shit's about to get real. Also men sulk! Like big baby's I'm sure he is just sulking that's why he hasn't spoken to you. He's probably sulking because he knows your right, otherwise he would still be trying to back up his argument. Maybe try and find some happy medium maybe a seaside weekend trip away with them both after Newyork or book them something nice to do together?
Stand your ground but try to be understanding. Hope it all works out with you all and good luck with the new one 😊

momtobe1 Thu 09-Feb-17 08:06:25

Thank you funny farmer!

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