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What would you do in my situation?

(8 Posts)
janine1156 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:27:51

Please help, I am really struggling. DS is 8 weeks old, he was 6 weeks prem and feeding took a long time to establish. With the help and support of my wonderful DH, DS is now exclusively breastfed and growing well.

He takes a VERY long time to feed each time (1.5-2 hours!), and he usually feeds every 4 hours at night (e.g. start feed 1am, finish by 3am, next feed at 5am) I am convinced he has tongue tie but midwives say no, I have an appointment with lactation consultant next week so hopefully may give some help.

He has started making VERY loud grunting and shuffling noises at night when he is fast asleep - literally I can hear them through the wall in the next door room even when I'm wearing ear plugs! I have tried EVERYTHING to be able to sleep in room with him but I can't.

He generally also will only sleep when either held on mine or DH's chest, or sometimes will go down in basket if one of us keeps their hand on his tummy the entire time - if we remove the hand then he wakes up! I am not worried about this as I know he is so tiny and right now he needs comfort, but I find it impossible to a) sleep with the noise, b) sleep sitting upright and c) sleep with my hand on his tummy all night. I have tried co-sleeping but being prem he is still tiny and it's not recommended in prem babies, also he is still too small to reach the boob lying down.

I am really, really struggling with this specifically with lack of sleep. I'm a terrible (anxious) sleeper and need to be lying down in a dark quiet room (with my hand not wedged inside a moses basket to get any sleep). It feels like such a desperate situation as even if we get him down in his basket, he is then so noisy and needs a hand on him all night. Plus the long feeds mean literally I would be up all night.

I am struggling also to find the patience to settle him after the long marathon feeds.

DH says he can sleep through the noises, can doze upright better than me and can also sleep with his hand on DS tummy. I'm not sure how much of this is true as I think he is worried about me and is trying to do as much as he can, I just can't believe anyone could sleep through the noise!! He is wonderful and supportive but if he does all this then I feel like he is getting the raw end of the deal (i.e. sleeping with a grunting baby, sleeping upright etc) even though he is not doing the feeds I suppose and can sleep soundly whilst I'm doing this.

In this situation - what would you do? Re sleeping, where to sleep, who does what, who settles baby, how you would feel etc. etc? I have not said what we're doing at the moment to manage this situation as I am really interested in MN'ers opinions as to how you would manage it - having just had a real "telling off" from my MIL I am feeling really, really low and want to figure out whether I'm being unreasonable in the working situation DH and I have found.

Thank you x

janine1156 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:29:01

I should also have added that I'm on mat leave, DH works full time in an office job, I can't sleep in day owing to above problems!

PeachBellini123 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:50:40

Does he have problems with wind/reflux? The only reason I say this is my 4 week old makes awful sounds at night. We tilted his cot and I spend a lot of time winding him which has helped massively. He also sleeps better upright on us!

For DS we did these things:
Hot water bottle in his bed (taking out when we put him in there)
White noise app
DH's t-shirt as a blanket so he could smell him (not recommended to put mum's clothing in there as we are the milk suppliers!)

I'd be tempted to go to the GP if you think it's tongue tie for a second opinion. As that's a long time feeding. Poor baby and poor you!

Sorry but why did your MiL tell you off?! Parenting is bloody hard. Especially with sleep deprivation. You sound like a loving mother, you are doing great.

BendingSpoons Mon 06-Feb-17 10:54:45

If DH says he can sleep better, take him up on it! You can see how it goes for a few nights and take over if he is getting too tired. I had a similar thing with the noise. DD would sleep in one room with DH and I would often still get to her first with earplugs from another room! I've always been a poor sleeper and my body seemed primed to respond to any noise. I found it hard to not be the one immediately responding to DD and felt guilty DH was being disturbed before work but it's not feasible for you to carry on not sleeping. If you work as a team and look out for each other, you can (and should) take over when the other is struggling so let DH do this for you. You are still up half the night feeding anyway so he is getting proper sleep half the night and dozing the other half!

BendingSpoons Mon 06-Feb-17 10:56:52

Also ignore your MIL. Your solution only has to work for you two, doesn't matter if someone else was a saint and let their DH have 10 hours uninterrupted a night!

Heirhelp Mon 06-Feb-17 16:46:27

Don't let DH asleep up right with baby in his arm as this is very dangerous.

Babies are noisy little things.

Heirhelp Mon 06-Feb-17 16:47:11

You may find this helpful

lalalalyra Mon 06-Feb-17 19:20:59

If you are convinced he has a tongue tie then speak to someone at la leche league and ask if they know of a MW or doula in your local area with a speciality for tongue ties. 6 MW's & HV's missed my DS's tongue tie when we were seriously struggling with feeding. It was only at a NCT meeting that a BF specialist who happened to have a DD the same age pointed it out.

Don't let your husband sleep holding the baby, that's not safe, but if he's happy to have a couple of disturbed nights by being the one sleeping with the hand in the basket then let him. Catch up on your sleep and then he can catch up on his if needs be.

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