Please help me help my 7 year old :(

[AuraSuavis]

My 7 year old little girl is wonderful. I absolutely love her to bits. I'm a single mum (I think?) but her dad has her 2 times a month, so not really a single mum.

This might be quite long, so I really appreciate if you read this :)

She has always developed very late... I do often blame myself for this. I work full-time (I know lots of mums do) and she was 'passed around' WRT childcare :( to be honest, I'd have found her a good nursery if I could turn back the clock (but then I might not have been able to afford the fees, so who knows?)

She didn't go to nursery, but was with a childminder for 3-4 and got that free as she accepted the funding. A really lovely woman and I got reports about her day. There was always trouble with toilet training, struggled to speak and often hit the 2 other children she was with. She was very good at home so I didn't really know what to do or say.

When she started school, she had major trouble fitting in, she is overweight and a lot of the children wouldn't play with her. She was locked in the toilets by children and was extremely unhappy, I got it sorted and she's happy at school now. She had an amazing teacher who is very nice (she is really well behaved at school and this is why I think I have a massive struggle). She has confirmed development delay and she has a TA part-time.

Her dad often lets her down, says he is coming, but then tells me he has met a girl and brings her back to his flat (he used to do this when she was there). Then had major issues with DD (lots of inappropriate touching of herself and then getting frequent urine infections) as soon as I stopped letting her go if he has women over, that stopped I still feel sick about that, but she is very happy and I didn't feel the need to do anything apart from remove her from him when he wants to do that. I don't even know if that's relevant.

Her behaviour is awful at home. She just doesn't understand things, so gets frustrated, she is violent and verbally abusive. I do discipline her, but she gets in such a state (major panic attacks where she then begs me to help her because she thinks she's going to die :( and I can't just leave her when she is having an attack). She has really bad asthma and that on top of it causes her to then get really wheezy. I hear it from all my family and friends "she just needs discipline" and "you need to leave her to strop" it isn't just a kids temper tantrum, she is making herself physically ill from it. After a panic attack, she always throws up. She gets her self so frustrated that's how it ends up. I can't leave her like it.

She has an obsession with bums and other toilet related things and I don't understand why. Nothing like before, just very interested in it and at 7, she probably shouldn't be. I do my best to stop engaging with that, but I'd really like her to stop. She will want to go in the bathroom when people use the loo (asking to go in public ones) and it's really embarrassing to distract her with something else.

None of our family want to be around her, she feels really crappy about herself. We are awaiting an Educational Psychologist review but how long will that take?

She gets let out of school now without a parent needing to be there (KS2) and she is just a danger to herself, she won't wait, she will walk in the roads, etc. so they now have to keep her inside (I am always 5 mins late, I can't get there early because of work). She now goes to the after school clubs and is very active and happy at school.

Why is she like this? It makes me so sad that her family don't even want to see her "because they can't cope" and all the other grandchildren get time spent on them :(

Any advice? Thank you.

[Skooba]

How miserable of your relatives not to want to spend time with DD, that is so unfair. I hope things will improve when she is older. And being let down by her DF is bound to affect her.
Sorry I don't have much to suggest but perhaps you might get some more useful information on the Behaviour thread or SEN as there there will be more knowledge of psychologists reports etc. on those.

[Isadora2007]

Oh bless her, and you.
I would actually want to see the GP and ask for some paediatric input as she sounds like she could have some kind of developmental delay.
The toilet thing sounds very young too like many 3/4 years olds being poo obsessed and having few social boundaries etc. I'd also be worried about what she has seen sexually withbyour ex as this too could cause some confusion and fascination with bums and such activity...
it sounds like you are doing a lot for her alone and it sounds like she needs some other peoples input now to support you. So maybe hv as well as GP could be a route for help?

[MockTurtleSoup]

Some of her behaviours, anxieties (panic attacks are likely extreme anxieties) and developmental delays are similar to my DC who has been diagnosed ASD. Have you taken her to the GP? It sounds like you need to push for a referal to camhs or community paediatrician for assessment. Look at the SN board on here, lots of understanding and advice on there, also its a relief to know you're not alone trying to parent in these difficult circumstances

[AuraSuavis]

I'm actually frequently at the GP/dietician with her and she was tested for genetic disorders. Our GP is lovely but says that a referral through school is what needs to happen and he can't do that.

Thank you 3 x

[MockTurtleSoup]

You can also put in a claim for DLA and could be awarded extra tax credits depending on what rate they award you, be brutally honest and write down how extreme her behaviours are, especially how she is a danger to herself, walking off and going into roads etc. She could be entitled to both the care and mobility element. Cerebra have a good website on how to fill the forms in and get the school to support this wrt to them having to keep her inside to keep her safe. You don't need an official diagnosis to claim.

[MockTurtleSoup]

Also look into PECS, visual timelines to help her communicate her needs. I've found these really helpful in minimising anxieties around routines, times, expectations etc. I also use social stories, my DC has less 'meltdowns' since I've introduced them.

[MaryMargaret]

Just to say, I'd be very surprised if her early years childminding would have had anything to do with this. I have to stress I'm not any sort of expert , but it just doesn't sound likely that a minor difference as between childminder vs nursery would have had an impact on this one way or the other. Please don't beat yourself up, you are seeking help for her, which is the right thing to do, hope you find what you and she need