My partners family have never met dc, AIBU?(4 Posts)
It's a long post but it had to be to give you some detail. TIA if you make it to the end!
My partners family all live away from home and the parents spilt not long before me and my partner got together. I wouldn't consider them close but they do make an effort to have dinner out together on occasions. In the beginning they invited me along to a few which I found sweet. They didn't make an effort to speak to me, whilst I was there so I came to the assumption that, they were just being polite but they were indifferent about getting to know me.
My partner still lived with his father so I would often go round there and cook dinner and all socialise together in the evenings. He'd been a little lonely since my partners mother left. We got on well and he enjoyed having a female around the house again.
I found out I was pregnant a year into our relationship. She was a surprise. We told his family when I was 12 weeks and the reaction wasn't great. His dad didn't know what to say at first and then started belittling some of the ideas I shared with him. I cried that evening and it all started from there. He came up and hugged me later that evening and said he was sorry if he'd upset me and would like me to move in. I was really happy but later realised it was to benefit him because he has disabilities, that make it difficult for him to get around. He relies on my partner for support so didn't want him to move out.
No one in the family made any effort with me throughout the pregnancy. I shared scan photos with them at 20 weeks and they made jokes about what objects they could see in my scan pictures. Once again I was upset because it was a really special moment for me that I was trying to share with strangers. I live 40 minutes away so I didn't see them often. No one messaged me to see how I was getting on and they'd only ask my partner how things were going if they seen him in passing.
It all become too much when I found out they'd been bitching about me behind my back. I'd ask my partner to speak to his dad about his smoking and some other bits the midwife and told me about when preparing for a baby. My partner doesn't like to rock the boat so I had to nag him to ask his dad, if he could facilitate the baby's needs. His dad got his back up and perceived it as me demanding changes. I.e. no smoking. He was also angry that we didn't buy them anything for Christmas. We told both families that we weren't buying anything for anyone as we were saving for the baby and clearing our debts. He said 'you could of bought us a chocolate bar each' I was gobsmacked.
Towards the end I stopped going round as I no longer felt comfortable. I had our dd and that's the first I'd heard from some of his family in months. My partner came to stay at my family's house for the week and we kept it just us 3 for the week. ( I live with my sister but stayed out for the week) By the end of the week they were outraged that we hadn't sent a photo. He was planning on showing them one when he got back. I was so stressed towards the end of pregnancy because of their actions that I wanted to have a week before everyone started descending. His mother and sister didn't congratulate me on the birth. I replied to a message from his mother sent a week later explaining why we hadn't sent one and that I wasn't playing games as she'd suggested. I never got a response. His dad then messaged me saying the whole family is 'done' and that 'he's resigned to never meeting his granddaughter anyway'. He changed his mind a week later and said he would like to meet her but I told my partner it's too late - I'd finally had enough.
That's the way it's been left. He sent a gift at Christmas for dd. I messaged saying thank you. I don't want gifts I'd rather him make an effort like suggest meeting up to try and clear the air. I wanted them involved as my dad lives in a different country and I don't speak to my mum. I wanted her to have grandparents. It's been 10 months and no one has done anything to try and make amends and meet their new family member.
They sound really horrible, tbh. So does your partner still live separately from you? What's his take on it all?
Yeah whilst we're saving for our own place. Moving out soon. He's upset with how they've behaved but didn't feel it as hard as I did. He doesn't speak to one of his sister and rarely speaks to his mum - they choice. He's very laid back so I think he'd go with whatever I decide. The reason I posted this is because his cousin has always made an effort. She texted my partner throughout the pregnancy and still does and has sent gifts. I would be happy for her to meet dd but my partner would want his immediate family to meet dd first. I understand that but there has been no change- no effort
Definitely let his cousin meet the baby! Immediate family should be family who care about you and the baby! Don't get caught up on the 'right' order of things if someone is actually making the effort and would like to meet the baby.
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