I may have to drip feed this a bit, sorry. Have to do school run in a bit, but I need to get this off my chest now because it's on my mind all the time, but will probably have more to add later.
I have always found my eldest to be hard work. Not particularly naughty, but always needing attention. I didn't realise that other children weren't like this until he got a bit older. I tried many different strategies while he was younger, things involving timers, rewards, sometimes shouting out of frustration, refusing to do anything in an attempt to bore him into doing things by himself. None of it worked. He is now nine and doesn't ever go into his bedroom or play. Doesn't read or do anything without prompting. Everything is a battle. Added to this is the fact that he is terrified of the dark/being alone, so even getting him to get ready for bed is a hassle. Nothing I say or do makes a difference, lights are always on in the house, he sleeps with a lamp on at night, i weaned him off me going upstairs with him when he brushed his teeth by moving down a step every night and within a few nights he was back to having screaming tantrums because he didn't even want to be in the bathroom without me.
I have a horrible feeling that the issues I have with him are actually just a part of his personality, so I'm basically telling him that his personality is wrong 
I get so fed up with the constant battles that I am very quick to snap and he shouts right back at me. I think it is really quite minor stuff, but the same stuff over and over again, iyswim. The attitude with which he speaks to me makes me feel very angry. I feel that he is sometimes asking questions just so that he can have a tantrum because he will do it no matter the answer. An example of this is asking what he is having for tea. I hate answering this and try to put it off for as long as possible. Unless it is junk such as a takeaway or pizza, he will have a tantrum. His useless dad (who I feel is a cause of some issues) only ever feeds him junk, so I end up having to give him all of the 'healthy' stuff he complains about. Nothing fancy, just anything which isn't McDonald's or chips or pizza.
I have tried many different strategies over the years with many issues, but feel I just don't have the energy to put into every aspect of our lives anymore. I now also have a fifteen month old and I get so tired and fed up of having to have ways of dealing with such normal, every day things because they are a problem. Will post some more once back from the school run.
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Parenting
Really struggling with my nine year old son. Seem to constantly be arguing and feel like the world's worst mom.
Splandy · 30/01/2017 14:57
Back now. It feels as though I am stuck in a rut of feeling irritated with him and shouting at each other, but I'm not sure what to do. I've just had the usual saga of getting him to take off his school things and put them where they belong. It's a routine he's had since starting school, has his own hooks, places to put everything and it should only take a few minutes. It is always me telling him over and over and over. He'll walk to the other side of the house, then manage to chuck things around on the way, then often throw himself over he arm of a chair and claim to be stuck so he can't go and do it. It's so tiring and tedious to have to tell him to do every single little thing every day, especially when he's been managing just fine for years and it's only the last year or two that he 'forgets'. This extends to forgetting to bring things home from school. He will come up with all sorts of excuses. He frequently tells me how much he hates school, and will intensely tell me about every single bit of unfair treatment he has received at school that day. I think intense is the best word the describe him, he's very intense in the way he deals with things. I worry about him, to be honest. I worry that he'll turn into an unhappy adult if this is how he is when he should be happy and carefree. I had to mention the homework and forgetting to his teacher, and his general attitude, and she was amazed. All of his teachers have been amazed when I describe the strength of his feelings towards school because he's apparently so happy and involved when he's there. I felt so disloyal to be talking about my son like that and almost grassing on him.
If he falls over, he reacts with anger. If he is ill, he's angry. If somebody falls out with him, he's angry. If he's caught doing something he shouldn't be, he's angry. He seems to feel angry about everything and I find it worrying. This is the point where I start to wonder how much is his personality and whether im giving him the message that his personality is wrong. His dad is an exceptionally angry person. You can hear the anger bubbling underneath even the most benign of exchanges. He sounds as though he is constantly on the verge of exploding. His dad will also rant and talk and talk and talk non-stop. Has a need to be entertained all the time, usually by spending money and going for meals, which has caused him to be in debt. His dad has lies rolling off his tongue like it's nothing - most of what he says is a lie. If you confront him with evidence of a lie, he will go as far as to claim that he doesn't understand the meaning of the words you are using rather than back down or admit that he is wrong.
This is where I don't know whether my son is just like his dad, and whether I should accept some things as his personality or change it. Or, as I suspect, whether I am being influenced by the fact that my son really reminds me of his dad and I struggle with that because his dad has so many terrible qualities. My son refuses to take responsibility for anything and will always look for somebody else to blame. He has recently started to lie about things, mainly to get out of doing things. I have to be quite matter of fact with him when he tells me he is feeling ill, because at the slightest hint that I believe him, he really ramps it up and I struggle to tell whether he is lying or not. I don't want to tar him with the same brush as his dad, but they have very similar personalities and I'm not sure what to do for the best.
He frequently tells me that I'm a horrible person, that all of his friends moms are better, that he can't wait until he doesn't have to live with me anymore,he'd rather live on the street than with me... often over things such as me making him put his clothes away after two days of asking and two days of excuses.
I feel that our relationship is so rubbish now, and we have no bond I don't understand how it got to this. I was a single parent to him for years and we were so close because it was just us. I look at him and don't understand how my relationship with my beautiful little boy has come to this. I know that he feels constantly hRrassed and nagged and I suspect all children need reminding of some things and I should pick my battles. I think that really he feels like I don't have his back. I desperately want to have his back and for him to know that I am on his side, but i can't agree with him when he tells me that he was unfairly told by his teacher to stop talking and then goes on a big rant about it when I know full well that he constantly talks. All he hears is me siding with other people all the time.
OP, I really feel for you.
My DS was like this, intense, angry and very emotional. I arranged for him to see a counsellor in school, which did help. Following this, the school called me in and suggested they refer him to the ed psych. He was assessed and diagnosed with ASD. Since then he has improved immensely wrt his emotional regulation and self management. And I have become much better at dealing with him.
Can you get him some counselling?
I can remember going into a meeting with his reception teacher and telling her that I was very concerned he didn't have an imagination since he is incapable of playing alone. She was amazed and told me that he was very imaginative, in fact regularly came up with ideas for games to play with other children and invited me to go and observe him. I could see that he was fully engrossed. He just won't do it by himself. He's just been to brush his teeth as quickly as possible and has now come down and is literally on me, argh! I think typing all if this out is making me feel annoyed because it's making me think about it all.
I feel utterly drained by having raised him for 9 years though, and the fact that I even think that makes me feel guilty. I know other parents have it much tougher. Being a single parent to him was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had depression and anxiety at the time and we rarely left the house. It was a tiny house. I sometimes felt like I couldn't breathe and was trapped in a box with a child attached to me at all times. I sometimes wonder whether I subconsciously blame him for me feeling like that? I know it's not his fault. I've just never known anybody be so suffocating. I'd love to be able to freely walk around the house or read a book when he was awake or something. Other people talk about pottering around and joining in with things and naturally having fun. That would never happen in my house. Ever. I feel so suffocated and stifled all the time Saturdays are absolutely terrible because my husband usually works and 13 hours of it pushes me to my absolute limit. The only thing he does alone is sit in front of a screen and I have to put time limits on that because he'd do nothing else if he had the choice. I feel so crap and guilty saying this kind of stuff. But I also feel drained at the thought of continuing to find ways to deal with him. I've done so much reading and research and tried loads of different things over the years to try to help him be alone but nothing has worked. I feel so drained and like I don't have the energy to devote to just that and to dealing with him without getting annoyed. But that's my job, as his mom. Just feel useless.
I didn't think DS had ASD and was a bit 
when the school initially discussed a referral. But I'm not saying that your DS has it too OP. Have you ever thought about getting him some counselling?
I'll try to summarise what DS1 is like but I'll forget lots of stuff.
He's always been high maintenance (became much more obvious once we'd had much more easy going DD and DS2). Wouldn't be left alone as a baby and toddler. Lots of sleep battles. Used to wake up as a toddler in the morning and run through to our room screaming.
He too is scared of his room (we have moved house recently and he's scared of his new room too). Won't go upstairs to brush teeth by himself. Happy in his bed with his cover over his head but that's it.
Can't/won't play on his own. Flops about saying there's nothing to do or he's too tired. Needs constant 1:1 unless he is in front of a screen which like yours he would happily do all day, zombie-like. Plays happily with a couple of friends now but this is relatively new.
Transitions are a nightmare; countdowns don't work. Wailing, screaming, avoidance tactics.
Never seems happy - days out often a nightmare of expectation versus reality and he can and does often ruin it for everyone.
Recently has started being verbally aggressive especially towards me; I hate you when things aren't going his way. No I won't do that - really pushing boundaries.
Tons more which I will remember in bits and pieces.
We've never gone down the diagnosis route but suspect anxiety and demand avoidance. Like yours he does OK with social and empathy etc so not classical ASD.
How do we cope? Badly I think. We've tried all the tactics, try our hardest to be calm and consistent but oh my fuck it's hard. There have been tears, ends of tethers and despair. I've stopped looking at facebook now because all the pictures of people having lovely days out with their kids just makes me sad.
Feels good to get it off my chest tbh 
Thanks everybody, I've only just come back to the thread and seen these respondes. I shall have a look at that book. I'm just not sure that it's serious enough to warrant a trip to the gp. I don't think there would be anything they could do because I don't think there is anything 'wrong' as such. Some of what other posters are describing sounds much worse than the behaviour my son exhibits.
I don't actually think he's attached to me in particular, he just can't be alone or do anything alone. If we go out somewhere he is fine because we are out doing things with him. If we go to a group or see other people he's off without a backwards glance. If I attempt to do an activity with him while my husband is around, baking etc, he's constantly going back into the living room to just see what he's doing because he'd rather be doing it with him as he's more fun in his mind.
He definitely can control his reactions, but it seems to take a lot of conscious effort for him to do it and lots of talking beforehand about how he is going to react. I had a throwing himself around tantrum the other night because he had to turn off his computer game. I started doing a countdown fifteen minutes before and reminded him every few minutes, after agreeing on a time a bit earlier. He ended up being able to stay on slightly longer because I had to change the baby. He still refused to do it, threw himself around and shouted that he hates his life, but it was over quite quickly. Do you think other nine year olds are able to deal with things like that now? He will do it in front of friends at times, even crying, about things like being told to keep his coat on. I would've thought he'd feel a little embarrassed to cry about things like that now. Actually, I can tell that he does feel embarrassed because he tries to hide it a bit. He's definitely embarrassed if he falls over or something and tries his best not to acknowledge it.
Would you really take him to the gp for this? He is capable of not doing it around other people. His teachers have never seen it. His dad had some sort of anger counselling as a child. I've never fully understood what it was, because his mom isn't quite 'right' herself. She's often hysterical and neurotic but doesn't deal with things in an adult way. She wasn't allowed to have my son alone as a younger child because she couldn't be trusted. Their whole family are quite unusual in many ways. I think they're emotionally immature and selfish, but there's possibly more to it than that. My ex's childhood wasn't the greatest. She mentioned in passing that his friend died as a child because his dad pushed him down the stairs, and my son's dad had to see somebody but the therapist told him it was his fault so she never took him back. It wasn't mentioned as a serious incident but as a funny bit of gossip. I knew his dad as a child and he was very angry and naughty, though not horrible. This is why I wonder whether it is just his personality. I am desperate for him not to turn out like his dad. They are very similar which surprises me because he hasn't spent much time with him throughout his life when you add it up.
He's cried about going to school again this morning and I can't even work out why. There is nothing going on at school to put him off. He's said it since nursery, though goes through periods of it being much worse with crying and begging or having tantrums instead of it just being a little comment.
I look forward to seeing him every day in the playground but he often seems to find some way to spoil things. He went to a school disco last year and my sister picked him up. I opened the door, excited to hear what he'd been up to and he stormed in saying 'well THAT was a waste of my time 
'. Turns out that at the very end of the night a girl had drunk some of his drink and thought it was hers. He didn't get the drink back, though I think he'd had most if it and was about to leave. He went on a rant about it for quite a while, asking what the point of even going was. He didn't mention anything else about the disco, the entire thing was shadowed by that event. When I was a child, I would have been annoyed about the drink but not to that extent. It wouldn't have been the only thing I mentioned about the whole evening and I wouldn't have been storming around and shouting about it.
Does anybody else have a child like this??
yes, I am going mad with worry about my 8 year old DS, and I am marking place to read this properly later
I have only sped read but feel quiet teary as I am clearly not alone
I''l be back
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I hope I'm nut being offensive by saying that his mom isn't 'right' but I'm unsure how to describe her behaviour. I think she may be on medication for anxiety? She used to refer to medication for her nerves. She phones her children multiple times a day and goes on and on and on about things such as not understanding why the tv hasn't come on. She isn't able to deal with it herself and goes into a panic and calls them in hysterics. She walks around the house chewing tea towels and was for a time convinced that she had a beard so should be signed off as disabled and never have to leave the house again. She was always very needy with her kids - would tell them they didn't have to go to school and could just go shopping with her instead. She hasn't had a single healthy relationship or ever been single and my ex was around abusive boyfriends at times. I think he mainly tried to stay out of the house as much as possible but my son hasn't had any of that and I hate to think that some problem could have been passed onto him.
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